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New Army Policy Makes Fraternization Mandatory

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Army SHARP Training
The new poster for the campaign was hastily put together.

THE PENTAGON — Ahead of an October 1st publishing, details have been leaked of the Army’s new policy to prevent sexual assault within the ranks.

The military has recently experienced a massive surge in reported sexual assaults and top brass has seemingly been helpless to address the problem—until now. In a departure from longstanding tradition, the Army has decided to attack the problem of sexual assault by making it a regulated part of military life.

“I can see how some would be confused about this,” said Brig. Gen. Lilith Heisenmeiser, a Pentagon spokesperson, “but we realized something last year when considering how to deal with this problem. It is a cultural problem, not an institutional one. That is to say, it is an American problem, not an Army problem.”

Heisenmesier believes the problem can only be solved if the “culture of America changes.”

“If we can’t solve the problem, we can at least regulate and quantify it; essentially, make it as safe as possible,” she added.

Guidelines from the forthcoming AR (Army Regulation) 600-19.45, titled Mandatory Fraternization Standards and Reporting, will be a shock to some traditionalists. Chapters have names such as “On Your Knees, Private,” and “Rank Hath Its Privileges,” and “Explaining your New Duties to your Spouse or Significant Other.”

Leaders now have the authority to demand sexual gratification from any subordinate, regardless of marital status or sexual orientation. Soldiers new to a unit must perform a “welcome” act on the commander or senior noncommissioned officer, and upon every leader in his or her chain of command. And similar to the “Virtual Family Readiness Group” websites that most commands maintain for family and spousal support, each Army soldier must now submit nude photos of his or herself, in nine different poses, to the under-construction “Army Leaders’ Fraternization Asset,” or ALFA.

“Oh yeah,” says Capt. Benjamin Jizinpans, one of the ALFA beta testers and commander of Bravo 3-345 Forward Support Co. “We’ve implemented this in our unit.”

“Before the new policy, I had two lieutenants and seven enlisted soldiers who wouldn’t put out. It was harmful to morale, and affected everybody’s attitude. Since it’s now mandatory, morale has skyrocketed, and productivity is through the roof. It’s kind of a relief to be able to call my XO in for a quick beej before the weekly training meeting. Kind of puts everybody’s mind in the right place, you know?”

Similar to the 2011 repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” the new policy will be gradually implemented, from the top down. General officers will fall under the new guidelines first, with field, company, and noncommissioned officers to follow once top Army leadership decides sufficient awareness training has been completed.

“It’s kind of [expletive] that generals get to do it first,” complained 1st Lt. Ashley Combromson, a general’s aide, as she removed her blouse en route to service her boss, “but I’m looking forward to when they implement it for the lower ranks. There are quite a few of my junior enlisted guys that I’m thinking about applying the new policy to.”

“It’s kind of genius, in a way, although I disagree with it personally,” opined noted military psychologist Dr. Jamiroqui Smith. “Think about it: what is sexual assault, really, except involuntary sexual contact? You can’t stop sexual contact — it’s just not going to happen — so they’ve decided to attack the other aspect, the involuntary part. If sexual contact is mandatory, then it’s all voluntary, by light of the fact that we have an all-volunteer military. It’s brilliant.”

Military spouses are also relieved by the change.

“I used to worry about my husband bringing home diseases, you know? But now that the new regs cover hygiene and cleanliness, I know that the deployment queens that my husband takes to pound town on the reg will be safe and healthy,” said Penelope Williamston, who also noted that she had the toughest job in the Army.

“Oh, and they’ll be on birth control as well. We don’t want a repeat of OIF IV,” she adding, pointing to her second child who looks nothing like her.

Still, not everyone is a fan of the new policy.

“This is ridiculous,” Specialist Jayssica Wrentraub told Duffel Blog. “I spend a lot of time and effort putting out subtle hints to my leadership that I am good to go. Not wearing a bra under my coveralls when we’re doing company motor pool day. Getting a popsicle from the shoppette and eating it like I’m giving head. Making lots of arm and shoulder contact in conversation. Leaving my barracks room unlocked, or my CHU on deployments, and sleeping without underwear on. Pre-roofie-ing myself before a night at the club. And that was great. It worked.  I got laid a lot, from my platoon sergeant up to my battalion XO. But now all the fun is gone. It’s moved from something fun and private to this regimented, sterile thing.”

She sighs.  “Man. The Army ruins everything.”

Army

Trump asks new secretary of defense to get Don Jr. job as an “Army guy”

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Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons

WASHINGTON —  President Donald Trump pulled aside Patrick Shanahan, the acting secretary of Defense, following a cabinet meeting to ask him about finding employment for Donald Trump Jr. as an “Army guy,” sources confirmed today.

“Pat, question for you,” the president began, “There’s my son, Don, you know him, Don Junior. He always wanted to be an Army guy when he was little. I mean, I think he did, I heard this from his nannies. They barely spoke English, so who knows? Anyway, so I thought, why don’t we get him a job as an Army guy?”

Sources report that Shanahan, who until the end of December had worked as the deputy under then-Secretary of Defense James Mattis, stood smiling politely as Trump continued explaining his request.

“He could be a great commander, a very, very powerful military leader,” said the president. “I’ve got a great eye for it — I went to a military prep school, it was just like the Army. So, I know what I’m talking about, and believe me, Don has what it takes.”

“So let’s make him a big shot,” Trump added. “Maybe not a general to start. He’s gotta work his way up. It’s the military. I understand, believe me. But start him at something higher than a colonel. Colonel sounds low, too low. Reminds me of Colonel Sanders. What about marshal? That’s a rank, right? Doesn’t matter, we’ll make it a rank.”

Continuing his unbroken monologue — during which Shanahan stopped smiling and began slowly rubbing his forehead — Trump also ruled out the possibility of commissioning his son in the other branches of the military.

“You might ask, what about the Navy? But no, we dressed Don and Eric up as sailors when they were kids, age 15 or so, and it was no good, they looked like sissies. Or Marines? But they’re the same as the Army, no difference, I can’t see much difference. Why don’t we merge them, by the way? Has anyone thought of that, merging the Marines and the Army? Would save a lot of money. Anyway. Air Force? No—Trumps don’t fly planes, we pay other people to fly so we can sit back with first-class service. Only the best service on my planes, believe me. Air Force One is decent, but it’s not the best, believe me, I’ve had the best.”

Sources confirm that Trump admitted this was not the first time he had made this request.

“I ran this by the guy who came before you [Secretary James Mattis], and I gotta say, he wasn’t thrilled,” the president said. “That’s part of why I fired him.”

“Because I did fire him,” Trump clarified. “He didn’t resign, I fired him after he gave me his letter of resignation. It was a firing.”

At the conclusion of their meeting, sources report, Shanahan told the president that his new duties were keeping him “quite busy.” He then suggested revisiting the president’s proposal on February 30th, and walked briskly out of the Oval Office before the president could look at a calendar.

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Army

Opinion: General standing in front of us with hands on hips isn’t really making an impression

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(Photo: Defense Dept.)

By a grunt

I don’t mean to be disrespectful. I’ve been in for three years, and I understand the chain of command as well as customs and courtesies.

But who the hell told general officers to always put their hands on their hips whenever they open their soup-coolers?

What does that signal? When I put my hands on my hips, I’m usually contradicting something a barracks lawyer just said, or else I’m fighting my bar tab at the Buckhorn Saloon. Which general has to fight a bar tab? They make so much money they just fart rainbow-colored fifty dollars bills and the bar staff run around picking them up like looters after an earthquake. Those generals leave the Buckhorn like nothing happened. Me, I’m talking to the cops.

So what is it with hands on hips?

I can see Adm. Halsey with his hands on his hips, directing naval combat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean — there was a real war on back then! But mostly, I see my grandmother with her hands on her hips, scolding me for doing something wrong right before she spanks my hide.

So, to me hands on hips equals a paddling a’coming. I’m PTSDing here watching this general move his hands from his hips to putting his thumbs just inside his trouser pockets, and back again while using words I never heard before.

Does he want to inspire me or punish me? I don’t know. I don’t even know his name. Maybe it’s Gen. Grandma.

I bet there’s a course in that knife-and-fork school that I heard new generals go to. I bet it teaches them to appear confident whenever they talk. I think that whole course is about how to properly put their hands on their hips. Lord knows the field graders I see can’t do it because when they talk they don’t inspire a damn thing in me except to not become a field grader. They constantly move their hands from their hips to the inside of their trouser pockets where it’s like they’re jiggling change or wangs. Generals and grandmothers are a lot better at this, but still.

Honestly, general, would you please take your hands, your hips and your entourage of POGs and just get the fuck out of my battle?

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Army

Meet the ‘servant leader’ who’s serving Christmas dinner at the chow hall to avoid his in-laws

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FORT BLISS, Texas — Soldiers eating at the Bamford Dining Facility on Christmas Day were awed by a display of “servant leadership” when Col. Ted Murphy, Fort Bliss Garrison commander, surprised the ranks by showing up to serve Christmas dinner unannounced.

“For the first time in three years, I thought I’d have him home for the holidays,” said Karen Murphy, Col. Murphy’s wife of 24 years. “Then as soon as I asked him to pick my mother up at El Paso International Airport, he suddenly had to be at work.”

Sources close to Murphy told Duffel Blog that he always leads by example and eats last, especially when his in-laws are in town.

“I can relate to the lonely soldier, stuck on post for the holidays because they have to pull a CQ shift or left the vehicle inspection sheet out of their packet and got their leave denied. I’ll be here until the last Soldier is fed, happy, and can go home knowing that their leadership cares about them, even if it keeps me here until long after my wife’s family is gone,” said Murphy, scrolling through his fantasy football scores in the latrine.

Mrs. Murphy has stated that although she was looking forward to a family Christmas together between deployments, extended training, last-minute TDYs, soldier emergencies, inventories, accountability formations, and lost boxes of grid squares, Murphy has missed 16 of the 24 Christmases they’ve been married for, and 100% of the Chirstmases they’ve hosted for Mrs. Murphy’s family.

“Col. Murphy is an inspiring leader,” said Spc. Trayon Collins, an armored vehicle crewman waiting out Christmas away from his wife and three kids. “I’m sure there are other places he’d rather be, but here he is, serving us ham and seeing if anyone wants to stick around to play some Madden. What a soldier’s soldier.”

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Army

OUTRAGE! This Green Beret may get in trouble just for MURDERING someone!

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golsteyn

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The bleeding heart liberals in the Army’s Criminal Investigation Command are at it again! They’ve reopened an investigation into Major Matt Golsteyn’s execution of a suspected Taliban bomb-maker back in 2010. According to news reports, Golsteyn killed the man because a friendly tribal elder feared the detainee would seek vengeance if released.

Army investigators closed the case back in 2014 for “lack of evidence,” and aside from Golsteyn going on national television and admitting to it, they still have no proof! Can you say “witch hunt?”

This is what happens with snowflakes in charge! The LIBERALS would like you to believe that our WARFIGHTERS aren’t supposed to “kill people, bury them, then dig up their bodies and burn them,” but that’s EXACTLY what this hero did. Seems like he must have been trained to do that, right? Let he who has never executed someone on a hunch cast the first stone!

Army special forces

On the hunt for incapacitated locals to kill, I guess

Snowflakes will never be happy until OUR TROOPS are forced to ONLY kill people they are FAIRLY CERTAIN are enemy combatants.

First they complained about drone strikes accidentally killing innocent women and children at weddings, and now they’re whining about about a good, old fashioned double-tap to the back of the skull!

The truth is, if this TALIBAN monster was released, he MAY have gone back home and not done anything OR HE COULD HAVE ATTACKED U.S. TROOPS! Golsteyn HAD to take matters into his own hands, since his LIBERAL commanders wanted this guy released. Whose side are they on?

Believe it or not, the highly restrictive Law of Armed Conflict (LOAC) actually makes it illegal for our brave men and women in uniform to kill prisoners of war. Luckily, Maj. Golsteyn isn’t the only warfighter to protest this law by brutally murdering an unarmed and helpless prisoner.

War is hell, and true patriots know that being in a war zone means you can kill whoever you want so you can brag about it on Fox News. Please pray that OUR PRESIDENT Trump will step in to save Golsteyn from being held accountable for this so-called “crime!”

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Army

Afghans request US take action on growing feral drone problem

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KABUL, Afghanistan — Afghan President Ashraf Ghani issued a public call today for the U.S. to take action on the feral drones marauding the skies of eastern Afghanistan.

“When they escape these drones roost in our mountains and attack our vehicles and machinery,” Ghani said. “If the U.S. is serious about rebuilding the country for the future, they will act on this problem before it gets out of control.”

Abdul Jabbar Naeemi, the governor of Khost Province, claims that feral drones have destroyed over three hundred vehicles, essential infrastructure and some of the swankiest bed down locations in his province.

“It is becoming an infestation,” he said. “The Americans introduced these things to our land, they must do something about it before it is too late.”

Kabul University’s top Dronologist, Dr. Feroz Sherazi, said the problem has grown worse over the years because of the isolation of the Hindu Kush Mountains.

“There are no natural predators and tons of poppy and scrap metal,” he said. “It’s a perfect breeding ground. That’s why we are seeing entire nests develop hellfire missiles.”

Ghani’s cabinet has a proposal that asks for $8 billion over four years to wrangle all the drones onto a preserve in Badakhshan Province. Local aide workers will neuter the drones once they reach full maturity then administer a vaccination program to prevent rust accumulation.

The Taliban have also made action on feral drones a precondition for peace talks with the Afghan government along with the withdrawal of all foreign troops and the transfer of Justin Bieber into their custody.

For its part, the Pentagon maintains that it has complete control of every drone it has ever brought to Afghanistan, and the CIA issued a rebuttal that was completely redacted.

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Army

Troops on border continue winning hearts and spades

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1-8 Inf. Regt. works to bring security to east Mosul

NOGALES, Ariz. — U.S. service members deployed to the U.S.-Mexico border are winning Hearts at an unprecedented level, embedded journalists within the task force have learned.

The troops, who have been on the mission since October, have now won hundreds of Hearts — and Spades — one round at a time.

“We’re trying to take the lessons we learned in Iraq and Afghanistan to heart,” said Task Force Commander Col. James Fisher. “As Americans, we’re used to holding all the aces. But sometimes you have to give up a trick to win the game.”

Between their duties walking around, poking at concertina wire, checking for cell service, and talking about when the best time to get lunchtime chow is, service members taking part in Operation Faithful Patriot have won an estimated 987 games of hearts, 1,289 games of spades, 18 house of cards building competitions, and one half-hearted emergency game of Go Fish!

“Echo Company has always been the best at listening to locals, building alliances, and then taking their tricks,” said Spc. Travis Keller, a light wheeled vehicle mechanic. “We used to play to 100, but at this point in the deployment, we’re playing to 1,000.”

While many pundits have publicly debated if the estimated 5,000 troops still mobilized to the border are a good use of government resources, the estimated 5,268 decks of playing cards have received so much attention and mentorship at the border that many are saying they’ll be ready to take on the operation for themselves in the next three to six months.

“Even if we never have to stop migrants at the border, our troops’ time will not be wasted,” said Fisher. “Just today, I’ve seen some of our military police learn pip hearts, shoot the moon and even schwartz kartze. These are valuable fieldcraft skills our brave men and women will use in field exercise, National Training Center rotations, and future deployments.”

Defense analysts are concerned that if the troops aren’t deployed by Christmas, they’ll be forced to turn to Bridge — long a weakness for ground troops, particularly combat engineers.

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Army

Caravan of strippers stopped at Mexican border by soldiers with engagement rings

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TIJUANA, Mexico — A massive caravan of illegal strippers heading to the U.S.-Mexico border was stopped at the border by a deployment of U.S. soldiers with engagement rings, sources confirm today.

The strippers, most of whom were from South America, had joined the annual march to the U.S. border seeking asylum at one of the many strip clubs outside of 29 Palms. Most had been walking for months with little food, water, or shelter. The drastic conditions resulted in the perfect storm of losing a bit of weight, tightening up c-section scars, and weakened judgement, which made them the perfect target for a third marriage.

“We met them in a three to one ratio, so we knew that it was critical to engage them immediately,” said Col. Todd Richardson, Task Force Lonely Patriot Commander. “Then they started throwing rocks. By our Rules of Engagement, that meant we could throw rocks back at them— and by that, I mean cubic zirconia.”

“Tear gas? Oh, that’s not tear gas,” said Richardson. “They’re crying because they’re happy. This will be the best 3-6 months of their lives.”

At last estimate, 30 percent of the strippers, which arrived just today, are pregnant with military dependents to be born in six months.

“It’s hell out there,” said Chaplain (Maj.) Bobby Weatherly. “I’ve never been under so much strain to pull together so many marriages so quickly. We’re out womanned out there. I had to call in close pair support.”

The troops have been stationed on the border since October to stop any illegal immigrants from entering the country. By the end of the month, 100 percent of the stripper caravan is expected to enter the country legally as military spouses and build their own businesses selling essential oils.

“This has been a glorious military exercise,” said Richardson. “From the second they started throwing those rocks, I told the boys the penguins threw rocks as a sign of affection and that they were weapons free with those rings.”

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Air Force

Charles ‘Wide Neck’ McDowell leads USO Tour request voting

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ARLINGTON, Va. — After weeks of neck-and-neck voting, Charles “Wide Neck” McDowell has pulled ahead of adult film actress Riley Reid as the most requested USO star for an upcoming international tour, sources confirmed today.

Service members from throughout the military placed more than 645,000 votes for McDowell and 320,000 for Reid this month following McDowell’s fame after his mugshot went viral.

“This is the kind of guy that everyone has necks-level love for,” commented Andrew Green, a specialist with the 82nd Airborne Division. “Soldiers across the world are coming together and neckworking to bring this god to bless our troops and potentially end racism.”

Though the voting does play a large role for the USO in selecting and funding the star, many more factors come into play before booking can actually begin.

“We sent someone down to Charles’ neck of the woods in Florida where he is currently training for his MMA debut. But despite his schedule he seemed interested, and we will discuss more necks week,” said Robert Hales, booking agent for the USO.

Hales did show some hesitation about bringing McDowell along for the European and Middle East tour starting next March.

“I want to give the troops what they have requested, but they’re in for a shock as soon as they see his neck is normal and his head is just tiny,” he said.

Reid volunteered to go on the tour for free if McDowell decided to attend.

“No lie, wide neck, a go pro, and me could trade his 15 min of fame to 15 min of bliss,” she tweeted.

Florida authorities have also voiced their full-throated support for McDowell to give back to the troops, offering to count it as community service and allowing him to travel internationally. Currently out on bail, McDowell has been capitalizing on his fame by appearing on MTV’s show “Necks,” singing in a feature of Ariana Grande’s “Thank You, Necks” hit song, and swallowing watermelons whole for five dollars in Orlando. Hopes are Ol’ Saint Neck could travel by Christmas.

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