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NSA Director Announces Purchase Of All Four Major Cell Phone Companies

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This week Duffel Blog sat down with Gen. Keith Alexander, Director of the National Security Agency, for an exclusive interview about Edward Snowden’s defection and the Agency’s relationship with Congress. The following are some of the highlights of that interview.

DB: Gen. Alexander thanks for taking time for this interview today. I know you’re very busy so let me get started. I can imagine it’s been a very difficult few months. What are you feeling right now? Angry? Vengeful?

Gen. Alexander: You know not really. A lot of people are surprised when I say I’m more frustrated and confused rather than angry.

DB: Confused? Over what?

DIRNSA: The first thing I want you to know is that everyone who works at NSA, be they military, civilians or contractors, are all US citizens just like you and I. Well, except for the Brits, the Canadians, the Aussies and the New Zealanders, but don’t mind them. We wouldn’t want NSA gathering intelligence on us any more than you would.

I know people are angry when they hear we’re “collecting metadata” on people but I look around at our society and I just say, “Jesus Christ! Come on people!” We live in a country where it has become the norm to share the shape, consistency and odor associated with you last bowel movement on multiple social networks. You really shouldn’t bitch that I’m invading your privacy by checking to see if you calling terrorist on your cell phone. Should you?

DB: Well, that is a good point if maybe a little overly graphically made.

DIRNSA: Here’s another one. I have this friend on Facebook who just about every freakin’ day posts an article to my wall about how NSA is invading America’s privacy and using our advanced technology to track US citizens using their cell phones. I don’t have to use advanced technology to track Dave because this asshat updates his GPS coordinates from his iPhone every 15 minutes. Sometimes I log on and all I have is, “Dave is at the Burger Barn.” “Dave is at the dry cleaners.” “Dave is at the drug store.” You know what? Screw you Dave.

DB: Wait, you have a Facebook account? You have friends on Facebook?

DIRNSA: Yeah, Dave sent me a friend request a few years back and I remember him as a pretty cool guy in high school. Now he’s just a dick.

DB: Sir, we seem to have gotten a little off track. Let’s get back to Snowden. How is NSA responding to this monumental intelligence leak?

DIRNSA: That’s a good question and one the American people should be asking. When we first learned Edward Snowden had disappeared and was likely in the People’s Republic of China we began an intensive review of his background, his work assignments and professional behaviors and his lifestyle to determine what we missed that would have indicated this was going to happen and to identify key indicators to help us prevent this type of thing from happening in the future.

DB: Can you tell us what you discovered?

DIRNSA: Absolutely, after a great deal of research we’ve determined the primary issue is that he’s a ginger.

DB: Excuse me? A ginger?

DIRNSA: Absolutely, my grandmother always told me that people with red hair are the children of the devil and they get a freckle for every soul they steal. It looks like Memaw Jenkins was right.

DB: So what actions are you taking in response?

DIRNSA: I have asked the Deputy Director to begin a review of all security files of every Agency affiliate who meets similar criteria. Let me stress, we’re not just talking gingers. We’re going to be investigating everyone from the strawberry blonds all the way to the fiery red heads. I’ve also directed that anyone with more than 15 visible freckles should be polygraphed immediately in case they have dyed their hair or tried some other subterfuges.

DB: Have you had any complaints about your new program?

DIRNSA: I got a late night call claiming to be from the Hibernian Society of Baltimore saying I was discriminating against Irish-Americans. They sounded drunk so they probably were Irish but I want to stress this is not racial profiling. NSA is not prejudiced based on race or ethnic background. If a person of Asian or African ancestry comes in here with red hair, they’re going to get treated the same as the Paddies.

DB: But sir, I’ve seen pictures of you as a young officer where your hair was brown but it had definite red tinges in it.

DIRNSA: I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about but if you bring it back up I’ll make damn sure you don’t complete another cell phone call until you’re 60! Any questions?

DB: Umm, no sir. Let’s move on to the fallout from the Snowden defection. You’ve been hauled before Congress on several occasions. You have spoken to the media more than once. The American people have expressed deep concerns about a court-sanctioned relationship between NSA and several cell phone providers. How is this going to effect NSA intelligence collection mission long-term?

DIRNSA: First let me say this. I have nothing but respect for our Congressional leadership. It is a basic principle of our nation, enshrined in the Constitution, upheld in the Courts and proven by history to be the greatest and most robust bulwark against tyranny in the long narrative of mankind. Sure they will bang any cocktail waitress in the District of Columbia and some of them like to send snapshots of their man parts to unsuspecting women. God only knows they haven’t passed a serious law in around eight years, and if they could pass a budget I wouldn’t have to furlough a big chunk of my workforce but they are there for a reason and we have to respect that.[pullquote position=”right”]That is not what I said. I said we’re buying four cell phone companies: Verizon, AT&T, Sprint and T-Mobile.[/pullquote]

And in the Executive Branch it could be very easily said that these people are nothing but political hacks that got their jobs through campaign contributions, favors and cronyism but these are our leaders. I have to respect their authority and their responsibilities. And let me makes this perfectly clear, when I say, “I have to respect their authority,” I’m saying I am legally obligated to. It’s the law. It’s not like I have any choice in the matter.

DB: So what are you telling Congress about the future of NSA?

DIRNSA: Great question. As you know we’ve been taking a lot of flak in the press for our court approved relationships with several cell phone service providers. As I have said on many occasions we have court orders approving the data mining. We briefed Congress on the program many times and we brief the President on our findings regularly. We’ve also briefed Congress regularly on what we’ve discovered from the data we’ve retrieved and the terrorist plots we’ve uncovered. So we’ve done our best to do our due diligence in order to ensure the American people we’re staying within the limits of the law but still, that hasn’t made people happy. So we’ve decided if they’re going to hate us anyway, we might as well do something big. So I can announce today that we have Congressional authorization to buy the four biggest U.S. cell phone companies.

DB: Excuse me; did you say NSA was going to buy a cell phone company?

DIRNSA: That is not what I said. I said we’re buying four cell phone companies: Verizon, AT&T, Sprint and T-Mobile.

DB: Isn’t that kind of a bold move?

DIRNSA: Not really. We had this idea a few years ago when through a front company we bought MySpace. That was a dead end. Who knew there wasn’t any information of any sort on MySpace anymore? Then we thought about Facebook. It was going public, we could suck up most of the stock and make sure nobody knew it but like I said earlier, any jackass with a computer can log on there any find out anything he wants about anyone with an account. We looked at Google but it turns out they’ve already been picked up by the Chinese or Satan, assuming there’s a difference.

Then this whole Snowden thing happened and we were out of the closet so to speak. We don’t have to skulk around any more. So we’re picking up the four largest cell phone providers overtly. It will cost a little more up front but those guys make huge bank, I’m telling ya’ and it will save us a ton of money on lawyer’s fees.

DB: So let me clarify my earlier question. When I said this was a “bold move” what I should have said was, “Isn’t this patently illegal.” Will the American people stand for this?

DIRNSA: Illegal, as in against the law? Since Congress writes the law, they decided to write this into it. And will the American people stand for it? No they won’t. I’m sure everyone will turn off their cell phones and do without… NOT! We’re a country welded to our phones. Listen, people are so stupid about their phones we have to spend millions of dollars to tell them not to text and drive. Do we tell them they shouldn’t read a novel and drive? No, or wear a blindfold and drive? No we don’t because people know that would be stupid but we have to tell them not to text and drive. Why? Because cell phones are like electronic crystal meth. Once someone gets a phone they have to have one all the time. And what are they going to do if the decide to leave Sprint or AT&T? Go to Cricket or Tracfone? No, I don’t think so.

And yes, I know what you’ll say next. We’re the government and the government screws up everything it touches but the amount you’re paying for that smartphone in your pocket makes a $300 ashtray on a submarine seem like good fiscal planning.

DB: And it’s not like you would make customer service any worse.

DIRNSA: Exactly.

DB: Gen. Alexander, thank you for your time. It has been very informative.

DIRNSA: It’s not a problem. My Public Affairs Office will be available if you have any follow-ups. Oh, call your mother. You blew off those two voicemails last night. I didn’t want to say anything but your dad’s drinking again and she needs someone to talk to. Have a good afternoon.

Sandy is a guy who enlisted in Army Intelligence when he realized his Liberal Arts Degree wasn’t going to get him a good job. When he got out of the Army he was still saddled with the same degree so he just went to work for the Department of Defense.

News

Trump Cancels Afghanistan War Due to Weather

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WASHINGTON — A light drizzle in Kandahar has prompted the president to cancel the war in Afghanistan, according to a white house press conference.

Weather forecasts were optimistic at first, saying that the rain was going to pass within a few hours, but it soon became clear that the inclement weather wasn’t going anywhere.

“At first, we thought about just postponing it,” White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters. “But ultimately, we got together and decided that you really can’t predict the weather, so we felt it was best to just cancel the whole thing.”

“Nobody was going to show up anyway,” Sanders continued. “Most people didn’t even know it was going on in the first place. Hell, Ezra Klein didn’t even know we were at war five days ago.”

A redeployment effort began immediately, with members of the Army striking tents at all forward operating bases and organizing airlift back to U.S. and European bases. Air Force bases throughout the middle east have already set their Nest thermostats to “vacation” mode to save energy. Approximately 8,000 U.S. troops have already begun packing their bags, though even that has been difficult due to the rain.

“I’ve got all these first edition comic books that I brought with me, and I’m really scared about what all this moisture is going to do to them,” said 2nd Lt. Michael Skewski. “First edition, man.”

Although the decision has drawn criticism from many who say that the Taliban will exploit this opportunity to regain power in most of war-torn Afghanistan, members of the enemy forces have shown equal reluctance to fight in such dreary conditions.

“We’re in agreement with the decision to cancel the Afghanistan war,” said Salah bin Sadiqi, representative of the Taliban. “Have you ever tried to plant an IED in wet ground? You just keep digging, and the mud keeps flowing back into the hole. It takes, like, infinite time. Total mess.”

“Trouble is,” said Khalid al Akhtar, a suicide bomber, “I had already pressed the button when I got word that the war was cancelled. Now I’ll have to keep my finger on this trigger right here for the rest of my life if I don’t want to blow up. Seriously though, who wants to die in the rain?”

President Donald Trump has declared that the war is to be canceled immediately and has been looking at weather reports for the last several days. Some gathering clouds over Seoul, South Korea, have sparked talks about closing all U.S. bases in southeast Asia.

Dirty contributed to this post.

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Coast Guard

Marine recycled in Coast Guard sniper school for the fourth time

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JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – A reconnaissance Marine who graduated at the top of his Marine Corps sniper class has found an insurmountable challenge in the most unexpected place – Coast Guard sniper school, sources confirmed today.

Sgt. Charles Handcock, a 28-year-old Arkansas native, failed to successfully complete the school for the Coast Guard’s Precision Marksman Observer Team (PMOT) a total of three times and is now being given a fourth opportunity to complete the program.

“I know I have what it takes to measure up to these guys,” said Handcock. “But this course is the most challenging thing I have ever experienced in my entire military career.”

During the intensive 3-day course, trainees are taught basic precision techniques, including shooting from a prone position inside of a helicopter and how to shoot engines on maritime vehicles.

“It’s highly unusual for anyone to have difficulty with this course,” said Lt. John Ellsworth, commanding officer of the precision marksmen training program. “It’s clear that little fella is trying really hard, so we take pity on him and let him keep trying. But we just don’t compromise on standards in the Coast Guard. This isn’t the Army.”

Handcock reportedly had 93 confirmed targeting failures, which disappointed his classmates.

“All we really do is practice shooting boat engines,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Emmitt Jones. “It really just ain’t that hard. This guy is simply not ready for dangerous missions close to shore. We want the guys who are ready to risk it all in U.S. ports and on calm territorial waters. We just aren’t seeing that level of dedication from this Marine.”

School officials announced they will allow Handcock to make another three attempts to complete the program. He will be sent back to his unit if he fails those attempts but can reapply after a mandatory one-year waiting period, which will provide him an opportunity to bring his skills on par with the Coast Guard’s high standards.

“Maybe he would do better sticking to Marine Corps spec op schools,” Lt. Ellsworth added. “They are more in line with his abilities and skill level.”

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Veteran with PTSD can’t believe he never thought to murder innocent people before

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BOULDER, Colo. — A local veteran was seen shaking his head in disbelief at the number of years that have passed before he reached the crystal clear conclusion that he needs to murder the shit out of some innocent civilians minding their own business, sources confirmed today.

“It’s so obvious now, I’m really actually quite embarrassed,” said Trevor Hernandez, a Colorado native who completed two tours in Afghanistan and was sent home during his third deployment for traumatic brain injuries suffered from an IED blast.

“I can’t begin to even describe the catharsis I’ve yearned for since being thrust into the horrors of war,” he added. “The simple notion that the closure to my living nightmare may be waiting at an ice rink, or perhaps a happy family venue like a Chuck E. Cheese’s, has really lifted my spirits.”

Hernandez was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in 2012, and has lived with his parents since getting divorced in 2015.

“I always told him that he needed to find a healthy outlet for all of that pain,” said Hernandez’s mother, Gloria.

“Something that provides a sense of purpose and community,” concurred her spouse, Javier.

Hernandez’s parents were elated to hear that their son might at long last find peace.

“We were terrified that he might become another statistic,” admitted Gloria.

At press time, Hernandez was allegedly floored by the novelty of suicidal ideation.

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Marine Corps

God forgets to capitalize ‘Marine’

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HEAVEN — Sources reported today that supreme Judeo-Christian deity God allegedly forgot to capitalize “Marine,” adding that the blunder was His “most egregious oversight since the creation of the mosquito, or maybe the e-cigarette — who knows — they’re both a blight on humanity.”

His Imminence had commanded the baking of a birthday cake for the Marines guarding His ethereal gates in order to commemorate their birthday as a Corps, according to celestial spokesangel, Metatron, Voice of God.

“Our Father, King of kings, seems to have had a most uncharacteristic lapse of divine judgement when leaving instructions for our heavenly baker,” Metatron stated.

“Far be it from me to cast the first stone, but I suspect some recent, heart-sundering events to be at fault,” he added. “No doubt the work of Lucifer.”

Indeed, according to correspondence between God, Holiest of Holies, and Betty Crocker, Divine Confectioner of the Cosmos, instructions to craft a celebratory dessert for the guardians of Heaven’s scenes included the painfully erroneous pronouncement, “Happy Birthday, marines!”

“Now, I know [God] has a lot on His plate, and we’re taught to forgive those who trespass against us, but I sure as heck am gonna have a hard time explaining this to Chesty,” said Reggie Sanford, Vice Commandant of the Marine Corps League, Eternal Division.

“Everybody knows that ‘Marine’ is a proper noun,” he nervously added.

While scholars tend to disagree on whether or not “god” should or should not be capitalized, there is unanimous consent within academic circles regarding the proper declaration of “Marine.”

“Jesus Christ, capitalizing ‘Marine’ is one of the most fundamental rules of grammar,” said professor emeritus Quincy Stacy, the Blissful Afterlife’s resident English expert.

“I have no comments for the record,” said Jesus Christ, begotten Son of God, washing His hands.

At press time, Chesty Puller had reportedly forgiven God, the Almighty, saying, “Yea, I am a kind and forgiving Legend, but lest none forget that the fist I wield is cast from the same iron as mine balls.”

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Duffel Blog Presents: 26 mythological creatures the troops have heard of but never seen

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If you’ve spent any significant amount of time in the military, you’ve no doubt heard some urban legends and rumors related to the service. These might include sightings of various mythological creatures associated with the military and veteran communities – ones we suspect may exist, like Bigfoot or Nessie, but which have never been confirmed by science. Duffel Blog’s cryptozoology team has compiled a list of the top 26 cryptids we all suspect might be lurking in the wild.

1. A living, breathing chief warrant officer 5
2. A Marine veteran who doesn’t post moto memes on his/her wall after transitioning
3. A retired general/flag officer who doesn’t work for a think-tank or defense contractor
4. A military spouse who legitimately runs a small business
5. An infantryman with a middle-class job lined up after ETSing
6. A special operator who votes Democrat
7. An intelligence analyst who votes Republican
8. An active duty serviceman who keeps going to church after basic training
9. A veteran who is actually well-adjusted to civilian life
10. A Hispanic drill sergeant who isn’t fucking terrifying
11. An Asian infantryman
12. A white equal opportunity advisor
13. A black Navy SEAL
14. An officer who makes PowerPoints with an optimal length and amount of content
15. An MP who knows they’re not a real cop
16. A mustang 2nd lieutenant who doesn’t bring up having been an E-5 in every conversation
17. A Navy SEAL who doesn’t plan to write a memoir
18. A well-endowed service member who also has a lifted truck
19. The guy who put saltpeter in the eggs at basic to stop you from getting a boner
20. An effective chaplain
21. A first sergeant who makes you want to re-enlist
22. An officer and a gentleman
23. A safety briefer who actually starts on time
24. A staff NCO who doesn’t ask questions at the end of a brief
25. A lance corporal or specialist who actually sticks around for police-calls
26. A quiet professional

If you spot one of these fantastic beasts and know where to find them, please inform Duffel Blog so our actual zoologists may go out and document them for science. Thank you for your service.

Duffel Blog reporters Epic Blunder, Dirty, Justin Coates, Dirty Harry, Maxx Butthurt, and The Leg Ranger contributed to this article.

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Dan Crenshaw stabs Pete Davidson in the eye, or whatever

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In celebration of winning the Texas 2nd District congressional seat, former Navy SEAL Dan Crenshaw stabbed comedian Pete Davidson in the eye today, which is no big deal.

Many see the response as fitting because of Davidson’s recent casual jokes about Crenshaw’s eyepatch, which he wears for a combat injury, on Saturday Night Live.

“I wasn’t personally offended even though we don’t see eye to eye,” Crenshaw told medical professionals who were rushing to stop Davidson’s skull from bleeding out. “I just wanted to create a spectacle in honor of my win, and I knew that Pete wouldn’t mind losing an eye because like he said, it’s just whatever.”

Davidson defended his views to reporters in his hospital room.

“I made fun of Crenshaw because I didn’t want a Republican to win that race,” he said. “Conservatives are always treating people disrespectfully because of physical traits they can’t change, and that’s not a behavior I can overlook.”

Davidson, who believes that his highly publicized breakup with Ariana Grande should be off limits but that Crenshaw’s literal self-sacrifice is perfect material for weak jokes, has a new vision for his comedic future.

“I’ll be back on SNL next week for the ten to fifteen people still watching the show,” said Davidson, “and I promise not to lose sight of what really matters — stoking right-wing fears of media bias.”

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Army

Drinking eight Rip Its a day could help you live longer, study by specialist with no teeth says

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FORT CAMPBELL, Ky. — An intensive 10 year study completed by a U.S. Army soldier with pus-filled abscesses where his teeth used to be suggests that drinking in excess of eight Rip-Its per day may help humans live longer, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Brett Luers, who was both the subject and administrator of the study, told reporters that he estimates he could extend his life indefinitely by simply drinking the patriotic energy drinks in lieu of food and water for the foreseeable future.

“I think the results speak for themselves,” said Luers struggling to stand at the dais while addressing reporters. “Only Rip Its have touched these lips for the past 10 years, and I feel amazing.”

Luers told members of the press that there were times he should have rightfully died, but he credits the heavily caffeinated “wonder serum” with saving his life.

“There was that one time when [Pvt. 1st Class] Peters stabbed me after I bet he couldn’t,” said an emaciated Luers, wheezing into the microphone. “And that other time when I jumped off of the roof of the barracks because I huffed too much starter fluid from the motor pool and thought I was covered in camel spiders. Both times I should’ve been dead.”

“But here I am,” said Luers pointing two sore-ridden thumbs at himself. “Fit as a fiddle.”

While some say that the study’s results are skewed based on the singular sample size, there are those in the scientific community who believe there is a kernel of truth to the research.

“I peer reviewed [Luers’] results and have no idea how he has lived this long,” says Dr. Lydia Brownfield, chief of epidemiology at the University of Michigan’s School of Public Health. “He has been in renal failure for the past eight years and developed scurvy, yet his virility has increased over 500 percent.”

Brownfield gestured to a cork board that contained the information of over a dozen illegitimate children that share Luers’ thirst for dangerously caffeinated energy drinks.

“I have no idea how his reproductive system is functioning,” said Brownfield. “He is a truly a medical miracle, and the only thing I can attribute it to are the Rip Its.”

Luers is currently preparing for a press tour to promote the revolutionary study but will have to delay until his barracks is removed from quarantine. Authorities reported numerous cases of the once-eradicated yaws — a chronic bacterial infection — after a recent inspection of Luers’ room.

Blondes Over Baghdad Contributed to this report.

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National Guard

Trump deploys National Guard to New York border to block Pete Davidson jokes

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HOBOKEN, N.J. — Members of the 444th Mobile Public Affairs Detachment (MPAD), 63rd Army Band, and Family Readiness Program deployed to Manhattan in support of Operation Blind Panderer, sources confirmed today.
President Donald Trump tweeted out a state of emergency after Saturday Night Live cast member Pete Davidson made a lame joke about Congressional candidate Dan Crenshaw’s eye patch, which he wears after losing his right eye to an IED as a U.S. Navy SEAL deployed to Afghanistan.
“Pete never saw a day of combat in his life,” Trump tweeted. “This Country’s great veterans are off limits as your props! I declare a State of Emergency! I’ll take a one-eyed SEAL over a two ‘butthole eyes’ comedian anyway! #MAGA!”
He then ordered a giant photo banner of Dan Crenshaw be hung outside Trump Tower in Midtown and asked Speaker of the House Paul Ryan if he could bump the midterm elections back a week for “national security” concerns.
A memo from New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy to the state’s Air National Guard leadership surfaced later that day requesting a roster of 200 personnel interested in going to see “Kinky Boots” on the federal government’s dime.
The only Guardsmen not currently deployed for hurricane relief efforts, border security or actual war were mobilized Sunday night for training on how to install concertina wire across the Holland and Lincoln Tunnels. An MPAD fire team advanced to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, SNL’s studio location, as a totally non-political show of force and resolved to block Davidson’s anti-veteran jokes.
Trump tweeted authorization for armed responses to any veteran-related jokes in the vicinity of Manhattan. Murphy downgraded the escalation of force options to passive aggressive shrugs. Band members are permitted to shake their instruments in a threatening manner, and artists stealing valor by wearing camouflage will be handled on a case-by-case basis.
“This is a tough situation all around. Dan Crenshaw is a war hero, so federal protection from jokes technically falls under National Guard jurisdiction,” said Murphy. “On the other hand, Pete Davidson lost his firefighter father on 9/11, which kinda started the war, or whatever.”
Duffel Blog reporter WT Door contributed to this article.
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