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NSA Director Announces Purchase Of All Four Major Cell Phone Companies

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This week Duffel Blog sat down with Gen. Keith Alexander, Director of the National Security Agency, for an exclusive interview about Edward Snowden’s defection and the Agency’s relationship with Congress. The following are some of the highlights of that interview.

DB: Gen. Alexander thanks for taking time for this interview today. I know you’re very busy so let me get started. I can imagine it’s been a very difficult few months. What are you feeling right now? Angry? Vengeful?

Gen. Alexander: You know not really. A lot of people are surprised when I say I’m more frustrated and confused rather than angry.

DB: Confused? Over what?

DIRNSA: The first thing I want you to know is that everyone who works at NSA, be they military, civilians or contractors, are all US citizens just like you and I. Well, except for the Brits, the Canadians, the Aussies and the New Zealanders, but don’t mind them. We wouldn’t want NSA gathering intelligence on us any more than you would.

I know people are angry when they hear we’re “collecting metadata” on people but I look around at our society and I just say, “Jesus Christ! Come on people!” We live in a country where it has become the norm to share the shape, consistency and odor associated with you last bowel movement on multiple social networks. You really shouldn’t bitch that I’m invading your privacy by checking to see if you calling terrorist on your cell phone. Should you?

DB: Well, that is a good point if maybe a little overly graphically made.

DIRNSA: Here’s another one. I have this friend on Facebook who just about every freakin’ day posts an article to my wall about how NSA is invading America’s privacy and using our advanced technology to track US citizens using their cell phones. I don’t have to use advanced technology to track Dave because this asshat updates his GPS coordinates from his iPhone every 15 minutes. Sometimes I log on and all I have is, “Dave is at the Burger Barn.” “Dave is at the dry cleaners.” “Dave is at the drug store.” You know what? Screw you Dave.

DB: Wait, you have a Facebook account? You have friends on Facebook?

DIRNSA: Yeah, Dave sent me a friend request a few years back and I remember him as a pretty cool guy in high school. Now he’s just a dick.

DB: Sir, we seem to have gotten a little off track. Let’s get back to Snowden. How is NSA responding to this monumental intelligence leak?

DIRNSA: That’s a good question and one the American people should be asking. When we first learned Edward Snowden had disappeared and was likely in the People’s Republic of China we began an intensive review of his background, his work assignments and professional behaviors and his lifestyle to determine what we missed that would have indicated this was going to happen and to identify key indicators to help us prevent this type of thing from happening in the future.

DB: Can you tell us what you discovered?

DIRNSA: Absolutely, after a great deal of research we’ve determined the primary issue is that he’s a ginger.

DB: Excuse me? A ginger?

DIRNSA: Absolutely, my grandmother always told me that people with red hair are the children of the devil and they get a freckle for every soul they steal. It looks like Memaw Jenkins was right.

DB: So what actions are you taking in response?

DIRNSA: I have asked the Deputy Director to begin a review of all security files of every Agency affiliate who meets similar criteria. Let me stress, we’re not just talking gingers. We’re going to be investigating everyone from the strawberry blonds all the way to the fiery red heads. I’ve also directed that anyone with more than 15 visible freckles should be polygraphed immediately in case they have dyed their hair or tried some other subterfuges.

DB: Have you had any complaints about your new program?

DIRNSA: I got a late night call claiming to be from the Hibernian Society of Baltimore saying I was discriminating against Irish-Americans. They sounded drunk so they probably were Irish but I want to stress this is not racial profiling. NSA is not prejudiced based on race or ethnic background. If a person of Asian or African ancestry comes in here with red hair, they’re going to get treated the same as the Paddies.

DB: But sir, I’ve seen pictures of you as a young officer where your hair was brown but it had definite red tinges in it.

DIRNSA: I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about but if you bring it back up I’ll make damn sure you don’t complete another cell phone call until you’re 60! Any questions?

DB: Umm, no sir. Let’s move on to the fallout from the Snowden defection. You’ve been hauled before Congress on several occasions. You have spoken to the media more than once. The American people have expressed deep concerns about a court-sanctioned relationship between NSA and several cell phone providers. How is this going to effect NSA intelligence collection mission long-term?

DIRNSA: First let me say this. I have nothing but respect for our Congressional leadership. It is a basic principle of our nation, enshrined in the Constitution, upheld in the Courts and proven by history to be the greatest and most robust bulwark against tyranny in the long narrative of mankind. Sure they will bang any cocktail waitress in the District of Columbia and some of them like to send snapshots of their man parts to unsuspecting women. God only knows they haven’t passed a serious law in around eight years, and if they could pass a budget I wouldn’t have to furlough a big chunk of my workforce but they are there for a reason and we have to respect that.[pullquote position=”right”]That is not what I said. I said we’re buying four cell phone companies: Verizon, AT&T, Sprint and T-Mobile.[/pullquote]

And in the Executive Branch it could be very easily said that these people are nothing but political hacks that got their jobs through campaign contributions, favors and cronyism but these are our leaders. I have to respect their authority and their responsibilities. And let me makes this perfectly clear, when I say, “I have to respect their authority,” I’m saying I am legally obligated to. It’s the law. It’s not like I have any choice in the matter.

DB: So what are you telling Congress about the future of NSA?

DIRNSA: Great question. As you know we’ve been taking a lot of flak in the press for our court approved relationships with several cell phone service providers. As I have said on many occasions we have court orders approving the data mining. We briefed Congress on the program many times and we brief the President on our findings regularly. We’ve also briefed Congress regularly on what we’ve discovered from the data we’ve retrieved and the terrorist plots we’ve uncovered. So we’ve done our best to do our due diligence in order to ensure the American people we’re staying within the limits of the law but still, that hasn’t made people happy. So we’ve decided if they’re going to hate us anyway, we might as well do something big. So I can announce today that we have Congressional authorization to buy the four biggest U.S. cell phone companies.

DB: Excuse me; did you say NSA was going to buy a cell phone company?

DIRNSA: That is not what I said. I said we’re buying four cell phone companies: Verizon, AT&T, Sprint and T-Mobile.

DB: Isn’t that kind of a bold move?

DIRNSA: Not really. We had this idea a few years ago when through a front company we bought MySpace. That was a dead end. Who knew there wasn’t any information of any sort on MySpace anymore? Then we thought about Facebook. It was going public, we could suck up most of the stock and make sure nobody knew it but like I said earlier, any jackass with a computer can log on there any find out anything he wants about anyone with an account. We looked at Google but it turns out they’ve already been picked up by the Chinese or Satan, assuming there’s a difference.

Then this whole Snowden thing happened and we were out of the closet so to speak. We don’t have to skulk around any more. So we’re picking up the four largest cell phone providers overtly. It will cost a little more up front but those guys make huge bank, I’m telling ya’ and it will save us a ton of money on lawyer’s fees.

DB: So let me clarify my earlier question. When I said this was a “bold move” what I should have said was, “Isn’t this patently illegal.” Will the American people stand for this?

DIRNSA: Illegal, as in against the law? Since Congress writes the law, they decided to write this into it. And will the American people stand for it? No they won’t. I’m sure everyone will turn off their cell phones and do without… NOT! We’re a country welded to our phones. Listen, people are so stupid about their phones we have to spend millions of dollars to tell them not to text and drive. Do we tell them they shouldn’t read a novel and drive? No, or wear a blindfold and drive? No we don’t because people know that would be stupid but we have to tell them not to text and drive. Why? Because cell phones are like electronic crystal meth. Once someone gets a phone they have to have one all the time. And what are they going to do if the decide to leave Sprint or AT&T? Go to Cricket or Tracfone? No, I don’t think so.

And yes, I know what you’ll say next. We’re the government and the government screws up everything it touches but the amount you’re paying for that smartphone in your pocket makes a $300 ashtray on a submarine seem like good fiscal planning.

DB: And it’s not like you would make customer service any worse.

DIRNSA: Exactly.

DB: Gen. Alexander, thank you for your time. It has been very informative.

DIRNSA: It’s not a problem. My Public Affairs Office will be available if you have any follow-ups. Oh, call your mother. You blew off those two voicemails last night. I didn’t want to say anything but your dad’s drinking again and she needs someone to talk to. Have a good afternoon.

News

Admiral McRaven defends millennials in viral TikTok video

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AUSTIN, Texas — Retired Navy Adm. William McRaven offered a defense of millennials in a viral video uploaded to TikTok on Monday, sources confirmed today.

In the video, which features music from Ed Sheeran in the background, McRaven can be seen performing a handstand and saying that he’s “the biggest fan of millennials you’ll ever meet.”

McRaven, 63, posted the video on the popular social video platform with the caption, “millennials are the greatest gen #foreal #millennial #makeyourbed.”

“Critics talk about millennials being soft and pampered and entitled,” McRaven added, after dropping out of the handstand and taking a bite of avocado toast. “But I’m quick to say that you’ve never seen them in a firefight in Afghanistan.”

At that point, McRaven’s outfit of a red hoodie, ripped jeans, and Converse sneakers suddenly changed to him in Navy camouflage uniform, aiming a rifle at the camera before the video ends.

At press time, officials with Naval Special Warfare had sent McRaven a participation trophy to commemorate the video going viral.

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Air Force

Baby boomer jet realizes it may never be able to retire

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MINOT, N.D. – After reviewing its Thrift Savings Plan statement and a growing pile of maintenance bills, a B-52 bomber broke down, realizing it would likely never be able to retire, sources confirmed today.

The B-52, known officially as the “Stratofortress” but colloquially as “BUFF” (for Big Ugly Fat Fucker), first flew in 1952 and joined active service in 1955, making it one of the longest serving aircraft in the U.S. military.

On the 67th anniversary of its maiden flight, the bomber confided to friends that it planned to retire so it could revisit old targets, spend time with its grandchildren, and eventually settle down in southern Arizona. However, increasing tensions between the U.S. and Russia, along with the bomber’s failure to set aside money for the future, led to the B-52’s decision to stay in the service until at least 2029.

“I’ve got a leaky fuel bladder, and my wings are really starting to sag,” the B-52 groaned during a pre-flight inspection. “But my country needs me, and to be honest, I didn’t really plan for retirement. I guess I always thought I would die during the Cold War, burning in after dropping a nuclear load on those commie bastards.”

The bomber’s decision to stay in service required the Air Force to program an additional $14 billion in modernization funding to cover the cost of its electronics upgrades, CPAP machine, and recurring erectile dysfunction prescriptions. The B-52 is not the only aircraft disappointed in its decision.

“Some of us Gen X aircraft are ready to step up and take the reins,” said another long-range strategic bomber who wished to remain anonymous. “But that selfish clunker just doesn’t know when to leave. Even worse, it struts around the gym locker room with no pants and spends most of the day at maintenance appointments.”

Sadly, the B-52 is not the only aircraft that will continue to work well past its intended service life. The UH-1 Huey retired in 2016 but immediately began work as a contractor in places like Afghanistan to supplement its income.

One of the B-52’s pilots, Lt. Col. Jim “Scruff” Weakley, said the bomber recently began investing in gold and started a reverse mortgage, but that it will likely continue to work until it dies on the job or wins the Mega Millions jackpot.

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Point/Counterpoint: How to help servicemembers vs how to help service members

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The following is a point/counterpoint article. The point will be given by the First Baptist Church Women’s Group, and the counterpoint will be given by adult film star Mia Khalifa.

Point: Our beloved servicemembers need all our love and support, and it’s our Christian and patriotic duty to help them however we can! One thing we can all do is make care packages. Those young men and women in harm’s way need things like wet wipes for their hands and faces, cans of beef soup or tuna fish for when they can’t make it in to the dining facility, and entertainment like crossword puzzle books and inspirational reading materials. The pastor’s wife likes to include a cute little camouflaged pocket Bible in every box so they can take the Word of God with them everywhere!

Counterpoint: I’m a patriotic girl, and I like to help service members every day, sometimes, like 10 a day. I like to work up a nice big package and watch them explode with ecstasy when they really get into it. Crosswords are super fun — my favorite is two across and one down.

Point: Another way we can help the troops “over there” is to make thank-you videos from members of our congregation, to really let them know how much they are appreciated! Some of our young folks are really handy with video cameras, and they recorded a bunch of shout-outs at the annual church BBQ last month. We put those on DVD and mailed them to all of the heroes in Pastor Steven’s sister’s nephew’s unit in Iraq, or maybe it was Afghanistan. Oh, somewhere in the Middle East! Bless their hearts!

Counterpoint: I love to make videos with the troops, and they always shout out at the end.

Point: Sometimes our heroes’ wives and children need love and support too, and we like to invite them to our church picnics and have special potluck dinners when we know one of the big units is going off to war. We like to get those mommy and daddy dolls for the little ones to snuggle when their parents are far away.

Counterpoint:  If there’s a big unit going off, I will be there. I’m happy to support the wives on the front or the back end or on top or sandwiched in between. Dolls are fun to play with when that sexy mama or big daddy can’t come home in time.

Point: It’s our job to help servicemembers any way we can!

Counterpoint: It’s my job to help service members every day I can!

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Marine Corps

Helicopter parents won’t insert son at hot LZ

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CAMP DWYER, Afghanistan — A Marine infantryman scrambled to link up with his squad after his parents refused to insert him at a hot landing, sources confirmed today.

Pfc. Martin Sikorsky pushed out on a QRF mission for the ANA his unit is training when his parents became concerned about the state of the LZ.

“Martin knows the rules of our hangar. No screen time after 4 p.m., no driving over 45 knots and no firefights. I think any parent would agree I’m being reasonable,” Sirkorsky’s father, Huey, told reporters.

Huey’s wife Lakota looked up from the baby monitor she has in her cockpit with a live feed from a GoPro on Sikorsky’s chest rig.

“If Martin is having problems with the Taliban, all he has to do is give me a CAS 9-line, and I will speak to their mothers to get this sorted out,” Lakota said.

Sikorsky’s parents were going to allow him on the mission until they received word of an enemy RPK team in the northwest corner of the hasty LZ. Normally, they are fine with their son being exposed to medium machine gun fire. Although he is not vaccinated against 7.62, Huey and Lakota rely on a mix of essential oils to keep Sikorsky safe. However, since arriving in Afghanistan, they have been unable to find a Whole Foods that sells coconut and eucalyptus oil.

Sikorsky said he was heartbroken he could not insert with his guys and get in on the TIC. Like most 18-year-olds, he worries about the effects of his protective parents.

“How am I supposed to have a social life without my own CAR?” he said.

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Navy

Sailors walking into strip club reminded to ‘clap like Mike Pence is speaking’

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SAN DIEGO, Calif. — A group of sailors preparing to enter the Rear Admiral Gentleman’s Club were reminded by Command Master Chief Petty Officer Michael Tubbins on Saturday evening to “clap like Mike Pence is speaking,” — referencing the primal sexual energy typically elicited by the vice president’s remarks, sources confirmed today.

The sailors, who varied in age, rank, and number of vice presidential addresses attended, appreciated the reminder, according to defense officials.

“Obviously, we’ve all attended a few speeches by the vice president, usually while on temporary duty away from our home station” stated Petty Officer 3rd Class Jason Smith.

“Heck, we all know that one junior sailor new to the fleet who marries the first Mike Pence speechwriter he meets. But we’re young, horny sailors so being in a strip club was a new experience for us and the Master Chief’s advice for how to act was invaluable.”

“These kids aren’t dumb. They know if there is one thing you do in a strip club it’s clap but it’s usually more reserved like when a movie ends or when your plane lands safely,” Master Chief Tubbins told reporters.

“But when a young lady in six inch glass heels and a G-string with several C-section scars takes her top off that’s not time to just be polite, you need to really help her feel welcome.”

Sources confirmed that the entire group of sailors responded in kind and expressed enthusiasm that was more than worthy of a Mike Pence address.

“I do this job for the applause so I’m always hoping it’ll be loud but from the second I stepped out there I was like whoa, is the vice president here? This is crazy,” said DyNasti, a dancer at Rear Admiral. “And when the DJ started spinning Hail to the Chief, I knew I had to work that pole the way Mr. Pence works that podium.”

Tubbins, who was present for the Pence’s “ISIS is defeated(-ish)” speech in January, expressed pride in his sailors’ effort but says it still cannot compare to the atmosphere of a real Mike Pence speech.

“Friday night had more boobs than a typical speech by the vice president but no VIP room will ever match the raw energy, intensity, and emotion of a Pence original.”

At press time, Command Master Chief Tubbins had been asked to resign from the Navy for daring to imply that sailors would bring the type of enthusiasm exhibited in a vice presidential address into a titty bar. Additionally, Petty Officer 3rd Class Smith and Dynasti are now married and expecting their first child together.

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Air Force

Space Ghost Files IG complaint over non-selection for Space Command

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VANDENBERG AIR FORCE BASE — Space Ghost, the interstellar crime fighter and talk-show host, has filed a complaint with the Department of Defense Inspector General over his non-selection for a command position in U.S. Space Command, sources confirmed today.

Space Ghost considers himself qualified for command and is disgruntled over his non-selection, according to a copy of the complaint obtained by Duffel Blog.

“I am not being given credit for my long career,” the complaint reads, “particularly after years of operating — hel-loooo — in space on some of the worst planets this side of the Kuiper Belt.”

Air Force spokesperson Col. James Carney, however, told reporters that Space Command selections are based on potential for future leadership, not past performance. Carney added that although Space Ghost’s service dates from 1966, his career has all the luster of a collapsing black hole.

“He’s never shown much leadership, responsibility, or command abilities,” said Carney. “He recycled three times at his captain’s career course, which is pretty tough to do in a course that routinely graduates people who have traumatic brain injuries.”

Carney also pointed out that while other officers have demonstrated leadership abilities in combat over the last 18 years, Space Ghost avoided terrestrial deployments because of his attendance at Galactic Command and Staff College.

“It’s a one-year course on Jupiter, but that’s almost 12 Earth years, so its not really my fault I never made it to Iraq or Afghanistan,” reads Space Ghost’s complaint.

Records show that for the times that Space Ghost was present on Earth, he was frequently accused of mismanagement, TDY abuse, and favoritism. His supervision was also limited to two teenage sidekicks and a monkey, in whom he demonstrated no interest in promoting or professionally developing.

“These are behaviors we expect from senior officers after they take command, not before,” said Carney.

Reached for comment, Space Ghost said, “Do any of those assholes being selected for command singlehandedly break up the interstellar slave ring run by the Lizard Men? I don’t think so. Do they have letters of recommendation from super villains the quality of Moltar and Borak? This is like getting hit with a Venusian stun ray.”

Carney noted that Space Ghost received positive evaluations for his physical fitness and command voice.

“He’d be in if we were selecting commanders based on having cut bodies and rocking a yellow cape,” Carney said, “but we’re not.”

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News

Real Housewives of Raqqa about to blow up on Bravo

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RAQQA, Syria — Bravo channel executive producer Andy Cohen debuted a sneak peek today of the latest installment to the Real Housewives series: “Real Housewives of Raqqa,” set to premiere during Ramadan.

The reality television show provides an all-access pass to five lavish wives as they shop, dine, party, and let drama unfold on the streets and underneath their sheets that cover their entire bodies. Cohen originally stated there would be six housewives, but unfortunately Nasrin As’ad Ibrahim was killed by Kurdish fighters during the second episode.

“You’re going to be able to see these women like you never imagined,” said Cohen. “They really are the bomb, one even has a skincare line for burn victims of homemade explosives.”

While most of the women have given birth to multiple children, only one actually still has a child living with her. Dura, originally Canadian, fell in love with an ISIS fighter in 2011 on Chaturbate, a website where anyone can video chat with people across the world.

“Now that my second husband has died and I belong to Yasiif, I am finally able to pursue my musical career that I was promised eight years ago,” Dura said through the slit in her veil. “Soon I will be able to release my first single, “Don’t be late to detonate,” which should be a real banger,” she said.

Another wife, Allayatah Fawad, runs a successful hijab bedazzling business and is considering leaving her fourth husband for a German ISIS fighter that has lately taken an interest in her as evidenced by the nightly raping. The preview shows the feisty Fawad fighting with the other wives and screaming at another wife, Fattah, that her hijabs deserved to be featured in Fattah’s fashion blog.

Cohen even teased the cliffhanger finale, stating that Muthana, now 24, was a college student when she traveled to Syria over four years ago to join ISIS, eventually marrying three fighters and calling for the killing of Americans on Twitter. Now, she wants to return to Los Angeles for the reunion show.

“Let’s just say that some big names get involved, and I can’t say anything else,” Cohen said.

Season two is currently focusing on the ladies as they transition to internally displaced persons camps at the border of Iraq and Syria.

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Navy

Sailor can’t pee unless someone is watching

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SAN DIEGO — Retiring Chief Petty Officer Joe Andrews hasn’t peed without someone watching him in 22 years and isn’t about to start now.

“At first, I thought all the meat gazing was weird,” said Andrews. “Now, after all this time in the Navy, I went from not being able to piss with someone watching to not being able to piss without someone watching.”

Andrews told fellow sailors at the his retirement party that he’s not sure how he’s going to piss without someone making eye contact with his one-eyed monster.

“I’ve told Andrews that he just needs to reach out,” said Lt. Cmdr. Ross Stevens, Andrews’ commanding officer. “No one should have to pee alone.”

Many sailors are able to make the transition to pissing alone by running water in the background or pasting a picture of a urinalysis observer above the toilet, according to a recent Veterans Affairs Public Information for Sailors Study (PISS). Some, however, never fully make it through the transition, and find themselves seeking YMCAs, baseball stadiums and subway stations to avoid kidney problems.

Andrews expressed his hope for the future with a loud groan at the urinal before leaving the Chief’s Mess for the last time today. His first proctology appointment with the VA is a week from today, which he feels is a festive step up from the usual wiener wagging.

Stevens said that might be willing to go warm up Andrews’ bed and sweat on it a little bit, just the way he needs it to fall asleep.

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