WASHINGTON D.C. – Department of Defense and White House officials praised the actions of the Syrian government for their mass slaughter of defenseless civilians through non-chemical means this weekend.
“When we heard that there was another incident in a small suburb outside Damascus,” said Pentagon spokesman Maj. Daniel Michaels in a press conference, “There was great consternation that it may have been another use of chemical weapons of mass destruction by the desperate Assad loyalists.”
Michaels flipped a slide to show a graphic image of dismembered corpses. “Fortunately — after investigation — we found that the population was humanely butchered and bludgeoned by ordinary weapons like machetes and assault rifles.”
When pressed for more details on the two-year long civil war in Syria that has killed an estimated 100,000 civilians through means that the U.S. has previously been totally fine with, Michaels took the opportunity to wax poetic. “When the loyalist forces passed and the dust settled on the village, the only sounds to be heard were the harsh calls of carrion fowl hovering over the desolated houses. That’s a good thing because it means that there weren’t any lingering agents in the ground that could damage the environment or wildlife.”
At a press conference later in the day, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad said he, like Obama, was “deeply concerned” over allegations of chemical weapons usage, and promised to steadfastly slaughter innocent civilians using only conventional means.
“Using chemical munitions is one of the worst things that a human being can inflict on another,” commented expert 2nd. Lt. Gordon McArthur of the U.S. Army Chemical Corps. “I heard from my platoon sergeant that we used to have stockpiles of it back in the day, but we sold it all to the Russians because Congress decided that it was too inhumane.”
Back at the press conference, Maj. Michaels brought up images of piles of decapitated heads built in pyramids reminiscent of the Mongolian conquest of Baghdad in the 13th Century A.D. “As you can see,” he said, “None of these helpless women and children were poisoned by chemical agents, but were instead flayed alive or raped to death. This definitely marks an improvement in their responsiveness to our concerns.”
“The President is greatly relieved at the report that Syrian civilians have once again been victims of conventional wholesale butchery,” White Press Secretary Jay Carney said in a prepared statement. “We will insist, through force of arms if necessary, with the full might of the United States and our allies, that the Assad regime stop killing civilians in ways we can’t ignore — and resume doing so in ways we can.”