WASHINGTON, DC – Insisting his administration has been exceptionally clear on standards of conduct for state dinners and public events, President Barack Obama says he is seriously considering staging an intervention for Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, who is yet again fucking wasted right there in front of fucking everybody.
“There are rules in our nation’s capital,” Obama said, laboriously coaxing Hagel back into soiled tuxedo pants. “Chuck here made a choice. He crossed a red line. Now, as his boss and as a friend, I’ve got to send a message that this sort of sophomoric bullshit is simply unacceptable.”
“Alright, party animal,” he added. “Time to get up. Who’s a big boy? Who’s my big, big boy?”
“Fuckin’ gahh… I don’t even fuckin’… pmnhm,” Hagel said, in his defense. “I don’t even pmnhm son of a bitch, anyway. Aghh. You know… for an Obama, you don’t look very Irish. Ummghh. Did somebody say PARTY?!”
Indeed, since his appointment to the Defense Department’s highest post, ‘Good Times Chuck’ Hagel has garnered a reputation as being “a bit of rager,” sources say. While the president has so far distanced himself from the decorated veteran and public servant’s antics, an intervention would mark the first attempt by his administration to address the problem head-on.
“We just want to sit the defense secretary down and tell him we love him,” Secretary of State John Kerry explained. “We want him to know we miss the old Chuck Hagel, who could throw ‘em back with the best of us but who would never have tried to teabag an entirely sober Supreme Court justice in plain view of goddamn everyone.”
“God, this is so hard,” Kerry tearfully continued. “You know, maybe it’s us who failed him by not doing this sooner.”
Despite Hagel’s actions being in direct violation of long-standing social norms – not to mention District of Columbia penal code – Obama faces pushback in corralling support for an intervention, even from within his own ranks.
“Who died and made Obama king of everything?” said Treasury Secretary Jack Lew. “Next thing you know he’ll be yelling at me for playing too many video games or accusing [Agriculture Secretary] Vilsack of smoking too much weed. We’re grown-ups. We don’t have to take that shit.”
In addition to philosophical isolationists like Lew, Obama must contend with the defense secretary’s hardline backers, including Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Martin Dempsey and Marine Corps Commandant Gen. James Amos, who maintain Hagel was never drunk at all but is just an “extra friendly guy who’s super fun to be around.”
“In fact, I wish none of us had pants on,” Dempsey said. “That’s the Washington I want to live in.”
With such widely diverging opinions on how to handle Hagel’s behavior, the road to a simple and successful intervention is unclear. Even if Obama does manage to keep Hagel fully clothed for a complete conversation, sources say nobody on the president’s team has the time or energy to ensure public decency for the defense secretary in the long-term.
At press time, amidst mounting confusion and concern over his proposed intervention, Obama was taking his case to Congress and the American people.
“What are you talking about?” laughing members of Congress proclaimed. “We’ve been drunk for half a decade, and nobody’s said a thing!”
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