QUANTICO, VA — The Marine Corps is taking steps to limit on-base liquor sales as the first stage of the Corps’ ramp-up for the possible conflict in Syria, keeping troops so furious they’ll destroy everything as soon as they arrive in country.
Bill Allen, the director of Semper Fit and the Exchange Services Division, said he is taking immediate steps in response to a memo from Headquarters Marine Corps directing more restrictions on alcohol sales.
“Look, that silly breathalyzer plan just wasn’t doing the trick,” Allen said. “We figure if the troops have to go farther to get their liquor they’ll spend less time actually drinking.” He went on to explain hard liquor will no longer be sold at sites adjacent to barracks, such as the post exchange, the roach coach, and several day care centers.
A spokesman for the Marine Corps says Marine leaders hope this will encourage Marines to engage their local communities with public drunkenness, instead of sitting in their barracks rooms playing video games seated on thrones built from cases of beer.
Further, alcohol will only be sold until 10 p.m. in Marine Corps exchanges. Tired of fielding 2 a.m. phone calls concerning alcohol-related liberty incidents, company First Sergeants are cautiously hoping to only get pulled out of bed around 11 p.m. instead.
Base Military Police are positive in their reaction to the new directive.
“In the past we’ve had to respond to a wide range of drunken stupidity,” remarked one MP. “Pulling drunks out of our patrol cars and wiping their puke off the seats is a pain in the ass. About time we pushed this nonsense out in town where it belongs so the civilian police can handle it. Now we can get back to really important things like glow belt enforcement and ensuring joggers are not wearing ear buds.”
In an effort to support initiatives to promote readiness, safety, fitness, and health, the sale and display of alcohol will now take up no more than 10 percent of retail space within stores, down from its current 90 percent.
The extra floor space will be instead used to market energy drinks, potato chips, and tobacco products. Alternatively, the Marine Corps Association is campaigning to fill the shelves with PME books from the Commandant’s reading list.
It is believed the new directive will be as equally effective as the recent ban on on-base sales of pornography, also part of a policy designed to direct Marines’ energy into combat efficiency.
The twin motivators of sexual repression and sober fury are hoped to be a combat multiplier on the Syrian front.
“The new mission of the Marine rifle squad,” said one squad leader, “is to locate, close with, and destroy the enemy by fire and raging hard-ons.”