CAMP PENDLETON, CA — A U.S. Marine putting the finishing touches on an “epic moto video” of numerous war crimes committed during a deployment to Afghanistan last year can’t quite figure out what music track he should use, sources confirmed today.
“Look at this epic video bro,” said Cpl. Jason Angers, in his barracks room at Camp Horno. “It’s got everything: firefights, explosions, cutting off enemy ears. Everything.”
The roughly five-minute long short film, put together in Windows Movie Maker, features Angers and his platoon patrolling through Afghanistan — at times engaging the enemy — and sometimes passing out candy to kids.
“I was thinking of using Lee Greenwood, but his chorus would really throw off the part where we piss on the dead bodies,” Angers said.
Sources confirm an array of options that Angers has presented, including Drowning Pool, Seether, and even punk band Alien Ant Farm.
“‘Smooth Criminal’ just seems too mellow for war,” complained Lance Cpl. Aldo Garcia, his roommate, “and ‘Let the Bodies Hit the Floor’ is way too overused.”
Angers agreed with the assessment that Drowning Pool’s hit song was cliche. “Maybe something ironic, like Justin Beiber?”
Sources confirmed that a Marine named Michaels had offered to write a song just for the video, but some complained that he only knew three chords, and he “sounded like a whiny Jack Johnson.”
“I mean seriously,” Angers told reporters, “Jack Johnson is great for surfing but when you have video of half your platoon severing Taliban heads to give them a taste of their own medicine, you’ve gotta go with something a little heavier, like John Mayer.”
At press time, Angers had decided to use “I’m a Barbie Girl” by Aqua.
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