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Navy

Report: No One On Ship’s Bridge Has Any Clue What’s Going On

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THE OCEAN, THE WORLD – Claiming it’s not their job or admitting that they simply can’t be bothered, sailors on the bridge of the carrier USS George H.W. Bush report that not a single man or woman among them has any idea where the ship is going, how fast it’s moving, or, for that matter, where it’s even located in the world.

“I suppose you would expect me to have at least a tenuous grasp on what’s happening right now,” said helmsman Tim Peeler, “but the truth of the matter is I’ve been asleep for basically this entire watch… which I’d say is pretty normal, actually.”

“Why, did I miss something?” he added, yawning. “Is it almost dinner?”

According to the individuals who have spent the last few hours tallying farts, belching song lyrics, and one-upping each other’s mostly-false sex stories, bridge watches like this can be a “major drag.” What’s more, finding ways to pass the time that don’t involve incidentally absorbing any details whatsoever about the vessel or its whereabouts reportedly proves a daily challenge.

“You know, I’ve never totally understood the difference between heading and bearing anyway, so I try to steer clear of conversations like this,” said the Bush’s navigator, Lt. Allen Thompson. “I’m sure somebody up here’s paying attention, though, so wanna see if I can count to a billion?”

Despite being virtually surrounded by radars, nautical charts, and satellite-enabled positioning devices, the twenty-something-year-olds entrusted with this nuclear, multi-billion dollar warship’s safe passage further confirmed that each of them would be hard-pressed to correctly identify the body of water plainly visible through the bridge windows in front of them.

“Heck, I couldn’t even tell you which ocean we passed through to get here,” junior officer of the deck Ensign Kristen Yun said, posting a picture of “the beautiful Adrianic at sunset” to her Instagram. “Which is pretty ironic and hilarious, when you think about it.”

While some have criticized the bridge watch of inexcusable laziness and even dereliction of duty, most sailors on the Bush say they empathize with the team’s utter disinterest in anything related to the naval service.

“Keeping up with the myriad diversions for my generation is work enough for ten men,” said Engineman Second Class Fred Meadows, who hasn’t picked up a wrench in days between Skyping with his mom, binge watching Game of Thrones, and finding remote compartments of the ship where no one will catch him playing Xbox. “And I haven’t even started Breaking Bad!”

Back on the bridge – where nobody could quite say the difference between port and starboard – the watch standers were embroiled in an intense game of Kill-Fuck-Marry. “We’re all torn about who on the ship we’d fuck or marry,” said lee helmsman Joshua Trotter, “but the XO’s basically as good as dead.”

At press time, a poll of the Bush’s bridge team had revealed that each oblivious member was acutely aware of how many days were left of their deployment.

“143,” said officer of the deck Lt. Paul Knight. “Unless we get extended, in which case they won’t get a lick of work out of me.”

Editor’s note: The Bush’s commanding officer, Capt. Lawrence Ryan, could not be reached for comment because even he was too busy kissing the admiral’s ass to really give a shit.

Army

Soldier avoids UCMJ by living inside amnesty box

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Photo Credit: Duffel Blog

BAGHDAD, Iraq — A soldier in Iraq is successfully avoiding the Uniform Code of Military Justice by living inside an amnesty box, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Ray Thomas, a communications specialist deployed to Camp Taji, began residing in the amnesty box after becoming the focus of a 15-6 investigation into unauthorized drinking on post.

“It came to light that Spc. Thomas, while intoxicated in direct violation of General Order No. 1, allowed a negligent discharge of his M4 rifle in his housing unit,” explained Maj. Robert Sandusky, the officer in charge of the investigation. “Unfortunately, when Spc. Thomas learned he was facing punishment that could include extra duty and/or reduction in rank, he just disappeared.”

Thomas was declared AWOL 36 hours later when base security contractors discovered him inside a 5’x5′ amnesty box near the post airfield, along with his sleeping bag, a log of Copenhagen, and a rucksack full of MREs, according to sources.

“That amnesty box is essentially a legal forcefield,” admitted Sandusky. “Therefore our investigation is on hold pending his emergence from said box.”

Prominent experts on military law begrudgingly praised Thomas’s legal acumen.

“It’s a brilliant move,” commented Lt. Col. Simon Curcio, an attorney for the Army’s Judge Advocate General. “Under the UCMJ, nothing inside an amnesty box is subject to punishment, so they can’t touch him. If he can hold out until he leaves theater, he’s home free.”

“He’s really got them over a barrel — or over a box, so to speak” he added. “But my question is, ‘where’s he relieving himself?’ You know what, never mind. Please don’t answer that.”

Soldiers on post say that despite the lack of latrine or running water, Thomas has remained in the box for six days and shows no inclination of leaving.

“Ironically, this shitbag move displays more creativity, initiative, and discipline than I’ve ever seen from Spc. Thomas,” said Sgt. Dominic Johnson, his former squad leader. “He should be recommended for promotion to E-5 if he doesn’t end up getting a GOMOR [General Officer Memorandum of Reprimand].”

Speaking from inside the amnesty box, Thomas said he has been busy making the most of his environment.

“It’s amazing what people just toss in here,” Thomas said. “Just in the last week, I’ve collected a baggie of cocaine, a smoke grenade, a vintage Penthouse from a care package, and two extra-large dildos, which I can use to weigh down the corners of my poncho.”

“Plus, I’m supplementing my diet by licking used candy wrappers,” he continued. “Those sort of make up for all the cigarette butts and dip spitters that fall on my head when I’m trying to sleep.”

It remains to be seen whether Thomas can hold out until his redeployment flight in April, but he remains confident.

“I’m in here for the long haul, man,” he said. “You know if I’m living off MREs I won’t have to shit for at least another month.”

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Navy

Navy and Disney partner to offer ‘the most magical deployments on earth’

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SAN DIEGO — Disney is ready to sprinkle some magic over future Navy deployments.

The Navy plans to plus up its fleet over the next five years, but its manpower goals may as well be ‘to infinity and beyond.’ Even significant efforts aimed at immigrant and transgender communities failed to move the recruitment needle, but senior leadership hopes Disney holds the key to drawing and keeping the necessary personnel.

“Industry partnerships are critical to rebuilding readiness, and bored sailors just aren’t as interested in hookers anymore. Disney can help us tackle both issues,” said Navy spokesman Cmdr. Anthony Bellin.

Disney executives touted the partnership as an opportunity to serve America’s heroes and responsibly dispose of ships no longer fit for paying customers.

The groundbreaking deal includes ten recently condemned cruise liners that the Navy can retrofit with directed energy weapons and an Avengers-themed Chief’s Mess. Approximately 20% of new naval vessels will include Disney branding and amenities, such as chow with a Disney princess and flight deck runs with a CGI version of Mr. Incredible.

Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John Richardson acknowledged challenges to balancing a world class vacation vibe with national security goals.

“Activities that do not directly increase lethality, like the Wreck-it Ralph karaoke shack, will shut down during threat engagement in order to minimize distractions and critical power loads,” he said.

Sailors can add extra months to their “Disney Fun Deployment” passes at a military discount. E-5’s and above can purchase weeklong family passes for dependents. The first three ships will head to Pacific Fleet headquarters in Hawaii by December 2019.

Machinery Repairman 1st Class Shawn VanDiver was excited to re-enlist after hearing the news.

“I’m a single dad and was looking to get out, but now my son can deploy with me over winter break. We’re gonna have breakfast with Moana every day. Deployments are about to get lit!”

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Navy

Navy warns sailors who can’t deploy that they will be reviewed for promotion

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SAN DIEGO — Non-deployable sailors can breathe a heavy sigh of relief as Navy officials plan to implement its new “Deploy or Get Promoted” policy, sources confirmed today.

The new policy, deemed ingenious by CNN military analysts, will ensure the Navy floods its upper ranks with sailors who are injured, lazy, PT-failing, work-averse as a threat to motivate them to become deployable. Senior Navy leaders are optimistic.

“We will immediately begin processing promotions for sailors who have been non-deployable for 24 months or more,” said Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John M. Richardson. “Even those sailors who have deliberately missed medical and immunization appointments to avoid deployment will be able to stay behind and ‘run shit.’ I mean, we issued tons of medical waivers when these people enlisted. It’s time we cash in that check and grow them into the future we need.”

The new policy seeks to promote lazy, wounded broke-dicks, as well as worthless skaters, and it has garnered support in the senior enlisted ranks.

“Everyone who doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t want to contribute, and doesn’t believe in our mission should be given higher levels of responsibly. It’s the only way they can grow into the leaders we need them to be,” said Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy Russ Smith.

“I always like to say, ‘The early bird gets the shitter-scrubbing duty because they are motivated,’” said Senior Chief Petty Officer John Gillespie. “But the sailors who arrive late from phony medical appointments? They have management written all over them! I’m serious. Don’t test me. We’ll do it. Get in line and make yourself deployable, or else!” he said while pointing to his rank insignia with a smirk.

Roughly 11 percent of members in the U.S. military — approximately 286,000 — meet this criteria for immediate promotion into roles that are expected to swell with incompetence.

After receiving their forced promotion, the sailors will be expected to attend leadership training completely against their will, learn how to delegate all of their assigned tasks, and learn the valuable art of shirking responsibility and hiding behind sham ignorance in order to avoid putting forth any effort at all.

However, not all sailors are getting on-board with this new policy.

“This can never work,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Mike Jones while hiding behind some cabinets to avoid being selected for a cleaning party. “They are already trying to deluge leadership ranks with ineffective, worthless leaders who show ‘potential.’ It’s a program called Annapolis. Ever heard of it?”

There is at least one exception to the policy: if you are non-deployable due to being dead, then you can rest in peace knowing that you will not be posthumously promoted against your will.

Officials also confirmed that their next policy initiative will focus on raising low morale, something the Navy has been mysteriously plagued with for nearly fifty years.

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Marine Corps

Navy announces newest occupational specialty: ‘meat gazer’

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WASHINGTON  — The Navy announced today the creation of a new career track to help with its large urinalysis test backlog: meat gazer.

The new Navy occupational specialty will require sailors to keep an eye on the wieners of service members as they urinate into collection cups during drug tests.

“Meat gazing was historically a low-level collateral duty for go getters who volunteered to impress commanders, weirdos who enjoy checking out other dudes’ packages, or simple run-of-the-mill perverts. Now, it’s a full-time job,” said Secretary of the Navy Richard Spencer.

The meat gazer rating is the result of a petition that went viral and gained the attention of Navy leaders.

The Marines started the petition.org effort as a joke, but it quickly garnered service-wide exposure. Roughly 245,000 sailors signed the petition within days, which equates to nearly three-quarters of the Navy begging and yearning to stare at rods for a living.

“In addition to the petition, we also noted that a large number of sailors already excelled in staring at the genitalia of other male sailors in the restroom,” said Capt. Richard D. Head, who is spearheading the new initiative. “It really made sense to build a satisfying career track for these hog worshipers.”

While sailors from across the Navy have been submitting rate-change request packets in record numbers, most of the new meat gazers are expected to come from the ranks of the Navy’s master at arms rating, which already has a high number of habitual meat gazers.

Advancement exams for the new specialty will cover topics such as advising sailors on how to handle their beef during testing, keeping urine containers uncontaminated, and requiring sailors to stand far enough away from urinals to allow meat gazers the perfect view to see urine leave the penis.

“Sometimes we are staring more intently and concentrating harder than the person trying to push urine through their meat sticks,” said Petty Officer 2nd Class Jack M. Hoff. “But the whole experience is satisfying to everyone involved. I’m glad the Navy has heard our voices and is allowing meat gazers to exist. I’m beyond excited.”

Sailors hoping to obtain a slot as a meat gazer have been spending their free time hanging out in as many locker rooms as possible, practicing their trade, and honing their skills, according to sources.

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Navy

Navy SEAL: The best way to tell people you’re a Navy SEAL is to tell them

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NORFOLK, Va. — Navy SEALs, one of America’s most iconic special operations forces, are renowned for their expertise, prowess, and the shroud of secrecy surrounding their operations. However, the life of a Navy Special Warfare operator can also be one of the most rewarding paths in the military service, given the right combination of experience, publishers, and celebrity connections, according to a new book by former SEAL Joe McQueeney.

“Being a SEAL isn’t all guts-and-glory, or five-mile swims before dawn,” McQueeney said. “There’s also networking with publicists, prime-time appearances on cable news channels, and telling complete strangers what you do for a living.”

According to McQueeney, it was difficult for him to learn to interject his SEAL service into unrelated conversations, but he overcame his initial hesitance during a PTA meeting at his daughter’s elementary school.

“The principal had asked if the parents had any concerns, and I remember standing up to make a comment on the school lunches. I said, ‘I think, as a Navy SEAL, the lunches here aren’t very nutritious,’ and that if I had to eat that food every day, I would never have gotten in camera-ready shape to star in the Hollywood blockbuster ‘Act of Valor,’” he said.

“From then on, it got a little easier to bring up my covert ops experience to total strangers, whether I’m buying groceries, chatting up girls at the gym, or even asking police officers to give me their service weapon on Instagram.”

McQueeney’s interview was cut short when the barista at Starbucks announced that she had a venti no-whip soy mocha frap for a “Quiet Professional.”

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Navy

Another round of high-ranking elves implicated in Fat Blitzen scandal

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NORTH POLE – Another round of high-ranking elves face allegations of corruption through their association with the known convict Fat Blitzen, sources close to Santa confirmed today.

“This is ho-ho-horrible,” Santa said. “This web of corruption and kickbacks is so pervasive that if I got rid of all the elves who were involved, I’d be left with the two nitwits in the Egg Nog room, Mrs. Claus, and an empty pair of jingle shoes.”

Blitzen, the leader of the network, had been bribing elves to redirect Santa to homes where he controlled critical holiday services such as cookie icing, fudge packing, and caroling.

The elves are charged with accepting inflated pricing on magical glitter flying reindeer feed, milk and cookies for Santa, and inflated rooftop landing fees. With the help of the elves, Blitzen was even able to re-engineer parts of the sleigh so it would only fit down Blitzen-approved chimneys.

Santa has shown leniency towards the elves, downgrading charges of caroluption. Buddy, the last elf to see UCMJ for his actions, was sentenced to pay wreathstatution.

Blitzen is facing up to 8 years on the naughty list in the U.S. and possible candy caning in Singapore.

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Marine Corps

Meet the woman who got a kidney transplant from an infantryman and woke up craving Monster and Skoal

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CARMEL, Ind. – Third grade teacher Kasie Spyker woke up after a long-awaited kidney transplant dying for a cold Monster and fresh can of Skoal after receiving an organ from an infantryman, sources at Methodist Hospital confirmed today.

Spyker, who had been suffering from lupus and on a strict diet of fresh foods her entire life, had never tried any of Monster’s products before the life-saving surgery.

“I’d heard from other patients in the transplant ward that they felt different after the transplant.” Said Spyker. “For David, he got a lung transplant from a marathoner and suddenly wanted to go running. I got a kidney from an infantryman, and suddenly wanted to pack a fat lip.”

Spyker’s friends and family had raised over $20,000 to help pay for the transplant surgery and recovery. They were thrilled to learn that she’d be getting a kidney from a young infantryman at the peak of physical fitness after he died suddenly in a freak motorcycle airbrushing accident. They now hope to raise money for the Dodge Charger payments the soldier left behind.

“I feel like a new woman,” said Spyker, drawing out a fresh new tattoo to commemorate the transplant. “I’m so thankful for this new lease on life. I can’t wait until I’m out of this hospital gown and can go buy some new affliction t-shirts and axe body spray.”

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Air Force

Charles ‘Wide Neck’ McDowell leads USO Tour request voting

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ARLINGTON, Va. — After weeks of neck-and-neck voting, Charles “Wide Neck” McDowell has pulled ahead of adult film actress Riley Reid as the most requested USO star for an upcoming international tour, sources confirmed today.

Service members from throughout the military placed more than 645,000 votes for McDowell and 320,000 for Reid this month following McDowell’s fame after his mugshot went viral.

“This is the kind of guy that everyone has necks-level love for,” commented Andrew Green, a specialist with the 82nd Airborne Division. “Soldiers across the world are coming together and neckworking to bring this god to bless our troops and potentially end racism.”

Though the voting does play a large role for the USO in selecting and funding the star, many more factors come into play before booking can actually begin.

“We sent someone down to Charles’ neck of the woods in Florida where he is currently training for his MMA debut. But despite his schedule he seemed interested, and we will discuss more necks week,” said Robert Hales, booking agent for the USO.

Hales did show some hesitation about bringing McDowell along for the European and Middle East tour starting next March.

“I want to give the troops what they have requested, but they’re in for a shock as soon as they see his neck is normal and his head is just tiny,” he said.

Reid volunteered to go on the tour for free if McDowell decided to attend.

“No lie, wide neck, a go pro, and me could trade his 15 min of fame to 15 min of bliss,” she tweeted.

Florida authorities have also voiced their full-throated support for McDowell to give back to the troops, offering to count it as community service and allowing him to travel internationally. Currently out on bail, McDowell has been capitalizing on his fame by appearing on MTV’s show “Necks,” singing in a feature of Ariana Grande’s “Thank You, Necks” hit song, and swallowing watermelons whole for five dollars in Orlando. Hopes are Ol’ Saint Neck could travel by Christmas.

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