MEDITERRANEAN SEA — A sailor on the USS Barry (DDG-52) off the coast of Syria is getting extremely tired of waiting around to push a big red missile launch button, sources confirmed today.
As a fire controlman, FC2 Brian Andrews, 23, has received extensive training in operation and maintenance of electronic equipment on the Tomahawk missile system, as well as practice runs with the fire control system.
“Now, I’d just like to press the goddamn button already,” Andrews told reporters as he hovered his finger over the button that could launch a missile right up Assad’s asshole. “I mean, come on! What are we waiting for here?”
Indeed, Andrews is just one of many sailors currently circling around in the Mediterranean as a show-of-force against the Syrian regime. One of the most frightening displays of American might of course, is the regular sighting of 20-30 overweight sailors on ship crowding around in a circle, smoking and complaining about being off the coast of Syria.
“Personally, I’d rather be sailing to Australia myself,” said Andrews, while playing an XBox game so he could “keep his fingers limber,” he added. “But if we’re going to be this close, and I’ve done all these fire control checks, and made sure the computers work, and plugged in all the GPS data — can’t I just press the fucking button already?”
“Come on, just ONE TIME. Please,” Andrews asked of one of his superiors.
Despite his superiors being a bunch of “prudes” as he calls them, Andrews has been spending much of his free time practicing by locking onto other nearby targets, such as Turkish destroyers and Iranian airliners.
At press time, Andrews was seen playing Whack-a-Mole in the ship’s arcade.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.