KABUL — A platoon sergeant on his first deployment to a combat zone is sitting in his seat on a C-17 aircraft puking and praying to God like he’s about to storm the goddamn beaches of Normandy or some shit, sources confirmed today.
“I looked over and saw him kiss the cross around his neck and start praying,” said Lance Corporal Michael Nellis. “Then I was like, shit. We haven’t gotten any ammo yet. I don’t want to die.”
Sgt. John Vagitis, 29, has been seen exhibiting nervous behavior throughout the short flight from Manas air base in Kyrgyzstan to Bagram Air Field.
Sources confirmed that Vagitis was seen looking at photos of his wife and kids, as if he was about to run a full frontal assault up Hamburger Hill in Vietnam, never to see them again. Later in the flight, he was also seen puking into a bag, mumbling something about “Johnny Taliban being everywhere.”
“I’m not exactly sure what his problem is,” said Private First Class Evan Rodriguez. “Going to Bagram is better than our shitty barracks in Hawaii.”
Moments after Rodriguez’s comments, Vagitis was seen rubbing an already faded picture of his wife, taken from a small locket he keeps in his shoe, like he’s not going to see her on Skype every night of the fucking week.
“What was that?! What the fuck was that noise?,” asked Vagitis, after a bump was heard — likely from turbulence —and not in any way close to the sound of a Taliban-fired DShK machine gun. “Are we under attack?”