JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, WA — A major crisis was averted in the early morning hours after Staff Sgt. William Moya apprehended a soldier jaywalking under the influence and placed him into custody.
Moya, a recent transfer from Stuttgart, Germany and no stranger to heroism, claims to have developed a “sixth sense” for ascertaining a suspect’s intoxication levels.
“Being around all those Krauts, you get used to the signs. Slurred speech, glazed eyes, anti-Semitic outbursts. Sometimes you can even smell it on a person,” Moya revealed.
The soldier, Specialist Kevin Radford, reportedly rolled onto base at 0248 with no trouble after dimming his headlights and providing Moya with his military ID. Shortly afterward, Moya was relieved of his watch and began walking to his car when he saw Radford, who had parked in the very same lot, drunkenly stagger across the street.
“Yeah, it had been a long night, and I was off-duty. I could have looked the other way, but you know what? I’m a man of action, and that soldier might as well have wiped his ass with the Constitution by disregarding that crosswalk,” Moya sternly proclaims.
Security footage from a nearby ATM showed Moya hurling his 230lb body at the unassuming Radford, who had by this point, reached the opposite sidewalk.
“That man is the very epitome of self-sacrifice. I have no doubt that Staff Sgt. Moya pisses excellence every morning,” lauds Moya’s company commander, Capt. Bill Toomey.
Fortunately, Radford was so inebriated that he sustained only minor scrapes and bruises from Moya’s bone-crushing tackle. The soldier is currently waiting for his platoon sergeant to escort him back to his command, where he will be reprimanded and assigned to provide training to his peers on the dangers of crossing the street without a reflective belt.
“Well, this blows,” said the man who would have tested positive for driving under the influence if base MPs had their fucking priorities straight.