INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Pentagon and NCAA sources have confirmed that military action against Bashar Al-Assad’s regime in Syria will be delayed until after the completion of the 2014 college football season.
The NCAA, which has long been criticized for the enforcement of its archaic code for student athletes, is now taking an active role in world politics. Through a freedom of information act request, Duffel Blog was able to obtain NSA wiretap records between NCAA President Mark Emmert and Senators from at least 11 different states, to include Alabama, Ohio, Oregon, California, South Carolina, Texas, Florida, and Louisiana.
Many of these states, coincidentally, have football teams expected to compete for the college football national championship.
In one conversation between Emmert and Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.), the NCAA strategy becomes clear. “Alabama is in the SEC, we know you’re dirty,” said Emmert, “and unless you want our enforcement division poking around y’alls program, you better find a way to delay the war until after the season.”
In another conversation Emmert can be heard telling University of South Carolina Alumnus and South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham, “It sure is some coincidence that your team, which has never been very good at anything, is now ranked sixth in the nation. Spurrier was dirty at Florida and we’ll prove he’s dirty at South Carolina unless you postpone this war.”
The NCAA is no stranger to stepping outside of its lane. The organization, which has no real oversight, has come under criticism for several recent high profile mishaps. In some instances the NCAA has declared athletes ineligible for minor offenses, while overlooking major offenses with some of its most popular athletes and schools.
Most recently, 2012 Heisman Winner Johnny Manziel of Texas A&M was given a suspension of one half of one game for accepting money for autographed memorabilia. Many people in the world of college sports felt that the suspension was so light because the NCAA did not want to jeopardize the week three matchup between Texas A&M and 2013 national champions Alabama.
“We know Johnny Football accepted $800,000 in cash from an agent,” Emmert told Maj. Gen. Lester Alfred in one phone call. “We will suspend him for another half of a football game unless this war is delayed.”
While military leaders publicly admit the possibility that another war could hurt an understaffed military amidst budget cuts, private emails show their true motivations: “I don’t want to watch football in another shitty KBR dining hall at 3am in Bumfuck, Middle East,” one read.
“I already missed LSU’s national championship game because I was in Afghanistan in 2008,” said one disgruntled Marine, “if I miss them this year then I might have a blue on blue.” Others recommended starting the war during baseball or basketball season, since only three people care about those sports, and one of them is Kim Jong-un.
In addition to the shocking conversations, the conspiracy is furthered by the fact this is the last year of the Bowl Championship Series (BCS). The BCS, whose supporters include Al Qaeda, the Taliban, Kim Jong-Un, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and President George W. Bush, receives nearly universal hate from all Americans.