WASHINGTON, DC — Washington Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder stunned the football community this weekend when he announced plans to change the name of his team from the Redskins to the Washington Veterans.
“Look, I know I said ‘never,’ but this way everyone wins and we can finally have a team that doesn’t offend anyone,” Snyder told reporters an impromptu press conference.
He was dressed in a camouflage uniform twirling the team’s new emblem: an imitation Medal of Honor, which fans can buy at concession stands. He added that in keeping with the new military motif, the Washington Veterans will also no longer participate in the NFL draft, but will be an all volunteer team.
Snyder also invited reporters to FedEx Field, where loyal Washington fans were getting introduced to the “new” Washington Veterans. As the team took the field, hundreds of fans stood up to cheer, holding urinalysis cups and sexual assault prevention documents, while waving their styrofoam DD214’s.
They also roared for their new mascot Homeless Harry, a double-amputee in a wheelchair who rolled up and down the field leading the crowd in whatever chants his concussion-rattled mind could remember.
“Hail to the Veterans! Hail Victo–er, Stalemate-y!” he shouted, along with “Washington Veterans are the best! We’ve all got traumatic stress!”
According to Snyder, the sudden renaming decision was made after a group of legislators, led by Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.), wrote to the Washington football team to ask “respect for my people.”
The group, calling themselves Not In My Wigwam (Slogan: “The Only Good Indian Nickname Is A Dead Indian Nickname”) held a meeting with Redskins officials at a local Sheridan Hotel, due to their policy of free blankets and complimentary drinks.
“At the end of the meeting, we realized we just couldn’t go on with the name Redskins,” Snyder explained. “Then we thought: ‘Hey! Everyone loves the military! And don’t those guys get all sorts of training in how not to offend people?’ So we called the Pentagon and asked for help.”
First the Pentagon suggested something neutral, like the Crusaders or the SS, but eventually settled on the more acceptable “Veterans.” Secretary Eric Shinseki from the Department of Veterans Affairs also suggested passing out free berets and Ranger tabs to fans for every home game.
The newly-renamed Washington Veterans will play their first game next week against the Atlanta Blue Falcons.