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West Point Hopes Government Shutdown Prevents Another Crushing Army-Navy Defeat

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WEST POINT, NY — While many are feeling the negative effects of the government shutdown, leaders and students at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point are hoping it continues into the new year, saving them from another humiliating and crushing defeat at the Army-Navy football game.

“It’s just one of those little blessings that will help make the next round of cutbacks that much easier to handle,” said Lt. Gen. Robert Caslen, the West Point superintendent, as he looked out his window where cadets were being released for the weekend instead of remaining behind to practice drill and ceremony for the next Saturday morning football parade.

The team, which is scheduled to play against the U.S. Naval Academy in December, is renowned for their historic 2003 NCAA record, when the Black Knights went 0-13.

“Here at USMA we strive to produce the best football players on the planet,” Caslen told reporters, while getting a tattoo of ‘Beat Navy’ on his forehead. “Our entire school revolves around the team. Mandatory rallies, no seating for cadets in the bleachers, and the banning of alcohol at the games all help ensure that we provide the best possible atmosphere for our players to succeed.”

Since the team hasn’t beaten Navy in more than a decade, the institution has realigned its mission from training the next generation of officers to “just beating those goddamn midshipmen,” according to the mission statement on the academy website.

“Our number one priority is beating them. We put it everywhere: On walls, powerpoint presentations, hell-we even make the freshmen say it instead of a normal ‘hello’ or ‘good morning’. Really gets the motivation up.”

Despite the changes, Caslan noted that many young men and women are focused on some other mysterious force, other than supporting their football team.

“Why would you come to the country’s oldest football school to do anything other than support the Black Knights, the most storied team in NCAA history?” Caslen asked, as he changed into a Black Knight mascot uniform before he was to run around campus. “The Army-Navy game is the number one conflict facing our future officers, and they should prepare for the coming struggle accordingly by designing Spirit Posters, making homoerotic YouTube videos that insinuate everyone in the Navy is gay, or mindlessly shouting slogans along with your classmates instead of communicating like a fully developed adult.”

Maj. Ryan Thompson, a professor of military football science at the school, agrees wholeheartedly.

“This government shut-down is a real gift,” said Thompson. “It gives us that much more time to prepare for the next year’s battle without having to deal with the pall of shame that comes over the school after each soul-crushing loss to a team that is represented by a fucking goat for a mascot.”

When asked how many graduates were serving in Afghanistan, Caslen looked confused.

“Where’s that school again?” Caslen asked reporters. “Do we have some kind of exchange program there? More importantly, do they have a football team?”

At press time, Caslen was informed that Afghanistan was a theater of war under the U.S. Central Command that had claimed the lives of dozen of graduates, but he clapped his hands over his ears and began loudly singing the Army fight song until reporters left.

Army

DTRA major wears his uniform for the first time in five years

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FORT BELVOIR, Va. – Surprise and confusion occurred at the Defense Threat Reduction Agency (DTRA) headquarters when Army Maj. Greg Tomlinson wore his uniform for the first time in as long as any employee there can remember, sources confirmed today.

“Wearing it felt weird,” Tomlinson said. “I’ve gained some weight, so I had to suck in the old gut a bit. I doubt anybody noticed.”

As at most commands and activities, DTRA policy requires military personnel to wear their uniforms regularly. However, Tomlinson chose a path that could be considered unorthodox.

“I like to look sharp, and that’s almost impossible in that ugly-ass mashup of camouflage and velcro called the Army Combat Uniform,” Tomlinson said. “So I bought some blazers from J. Crew and ditched the ACUs. The last time I wore a uniform was on Veterans Day in 2013 to get 30 percent off at Denny’s.”

“But this month I got a wild hair and decided to break out the ACUs,” Tomlinson said. “I found them in an old aviator kit bag in the basement next to the cat’s litter box. My rank badge was stuck into the family cork board, holding up the school lunch schedule and some coupons for KFC. My beret was in our son’s toy box, and how it got there is anybody’s guess. Kids!”

Personnel at DTRA showed a variety of reactions to seeing Tomlinson in uniform. Sgt. Greg Gomez, administrative NCO in Tomlinson’s division, mistook the major for a newly arriving officer.

“I scheduled him for a newcomer’s briefing and the next unit weigh-in and PT test,” Gomez said.

“It was a little odd that they scheduled me for a newcomer’s briefing, but I attended anyhow and learned a lot, like that it’s policy for military personnel to wear their uniforms weekly. Who knew?” said Tomlinson.

“If he’s going to sham out on the uniform, he should at least get a clue about style,” said Staff Sgt. Rachel Bailey. “He acts all ‘Mr. Fashion’ in his J. Crew outfits but in reality, Tommy fucking Hilfiger here can’t match a tie to a shirt to save his life.”

Wearing the uniform resulted in distinct changes in how people perceived Tomlinson and his role in DTRA activities.

“Nobody bothered me when I wore civilian clothes, said Tomlinson. “Maybe my identity was ambiguous, or people thought I was a senior warrant officer. Now that they know I’m a major, everybody keeps asking for help with their PowerPoint presentations as if I’m some kind of PowerPoint expert! Actually, I am a PowerPoint expert, so its really okay.”

Tomlinson’s return to the uniform may also have unintended consequences for other officers at DTRA headquarters.

“I thought he was your typical civilian with an over-inflated ego and a limited duty day,” Thomas Bowles, a senior executive, said. “Now I know he’s actually your typical major with an over-inflated ego. I’m going to see if we have other field grade officers masquerading as civilians. We make a lot of PowerPoint presentations here, so we need all the majors we can get.”

Departing for the day, Tomlinson said he intended to “devote some serious time” to getting rock hard abs. And finding his PT uniform.

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Soldier avoids UCMJ by living inside amnesty box

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Photo Credit: Duffel Blog

BAGHDAD, Iraq — A soldier in Iraq is successfully avoiding the Uniform Code of Military Justice by living inside an amnesty box, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Ray Thomas, a communications specialist deployed to Camp Taji, began residing in the amnesty box after becoming the focus of a 15-6 investigation into unauthorized drinking on post.

“It came to light that Spc. Thomas, while intoxicated in direct violation of General Order No. 1, allowed a negligent discharge of his M4 rifle in his housing unit,” explained Maj. Robert Sandusky, the officer in charge of the investigation. “Unfortunately, when Spc. Thomas learned he was facing punishment that could include extra duty and/or reduction in rank, he just disappeared.”

Thomas was declared AWOL 36 hours later when base security contractors discovered him inside a 5’x5′ amnesty box near the post airfield, along with his sleeping bag, a log of Copenhagen, and a rucksack full of MREs, according to sources.

“That amnesty box is essentially a legal forcefield,” admitted Sandusky. “Therefore our investigation is on hold pending his emergence from said box.”

Prominent experts on military law begrudgingly praised Thomas’s legal acumen.

“It’s a brilliant move,” commented Lt. Col. Simon Curcio, an attorney for the Army’s Judge Advocate General. “Under the UCMJ, nothing inside an amnesty box is subject to punishment, so they can’t touch him. If he can hold out until he leaves theater, he’s home free.”

“He’s really got them over a barrel — or over a box, so to speak” he added. “But my question is, ‘where’s he relieving himself?’ You know what, never mind. Please don’t answer that.”

Soldiers on post say that despite the lack of latrine or running water, Thomas has remained in the box for six days and shows no inclination of leaving.

“Ironically, this shitbag move displays more creativity, initiative, and discipline than I’ve ever seen from Spc. Thomas,” said Sgt. Dominic Johnson, his former squad leader. “He should be recommended for promotion to E-5 if he doesn’t end up getting a GOMOR [General Officer Memorandum of Reprimand].”

Speaking from inside the amnesty box, Thomas said he has been busy making the most of his environment.

“It’s amazing what people just toss in here,” Thomas said. “Just in the last week, I’ve collected a baggie of cocaine, a smoke grenade, a vintage Penthouse from a care package, and two extra-large dildos, which I can use to weigh down the corners of my poncho.”

“Plus, I’m supplementing my diet by licking used candy wrappers,” he continued. “Those sort of make up for all the cigarette butts and dip spitters that fall on my head when I’m trying to sleep.”

It remains to be seen whether Thomas can hold out until his redeployment flight in April, but he remains confident.

“I’m in here for the long haul, man,” he said. “You know if I’m living off MREs I won’t have to shit for at least another month.”

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Army

E-4 accidentally joins actual mafia in mix-up

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JOINT BASE MCGUIRE-DIX-LAKEHURST, N.J. — In an effort to join the E-4 mafia, a local soldier has instead joined the actual mafia, sources confirmed today.

Newly-promoted Spc. Rafael Hernandez first realized something was amiss when, according to his testimony in court, he stuck a hastily-constructed shiv into the base of an old Italian man’s skull.

“This just didn’t seem to be in line with the Army Values,” Hernandez said.

Hernandez attempted to establish contact with the E-4 mafia in the traditional way, according to witness testimony. He placed an all-day appointment on his calendar, indicating that he would not be available for any additional duties. Then, Hernandez stood in front of a bathroom mirror and recited the words “I don’t know anything about that, sergeant,” three times. According to urban legend, after doing this, a specialist passes out and finds himself sleeping in the back of a vehicle in the motor pool while the lower-ranking enlisted do all his paperwork.

“I really thought it was going to be that easy,” Hernandez said. “I mean, nobody ever told me outright how you join the E-4 mafia, but I’ve heard stories. It made perfect sense to me at the time.”

Instead of passing out, however, Hernandez was met by a man in a seersucker suit who kept adjusting his tie as he looked at himself in the mirror. He wore an unbuttoned striped coat, and did not meet Hernandez’s eyes. The man asked him if he’d be willing to give an “associate” of his a “very close shave.”

“Seemed normal,” said Hernandez when asked how he felt about the approach. “I thought maybe it was one of the specialists from medical hinting that he could write me a shaving waver. I always wanted a beard.”

As it turned out, it meant slitting someone’s throat.

“Shit, I thought ‘these E-4 fuckers are hardcore,'” Hernandez said. “But alright, whatever it takes to get out of KP duty I guess.”

“Normally it starts with small tasks, favors, stuff like that,” FBI Agent Tricia Patel, head of the Newark Organized Crime Unit, explained in an interview after the trial. “But in this case Hernandez just went right for murder. It got him fast respect, and respect is the only currency these guys deal with.”

The spree that followed involved three bank heists, two more murders, and one extremely complicated case of horse theft involving swapping a prize racehorse with a Shetland pony wearing stilts. Hernandez rose through the ranks of La Cosa Nostra in mere days, catapulting himself to lieutenant of a smaller capo.

“I thought the people calling me lieutenant were being cute,” Hernandez said, “you know, because LTs don’t do any work either, right? I guess I was wrong.”

Hernandez was finally arrested not by local authorities, but by army MPs, after it was discovered that he had missed a mandatory urinalysis appointment.

“What’s funny is that I was actually peeing at the time anyway,” Hernandez said. “Just not in a cup.”

Hernandez is currently out on bail and sleeping in the back of a vehicle in the motor pool.

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Army

Optimistic private sees burn pit as half full

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CAMP LEMONNIER, Djibouti – Pfc. Braddock Chase, the highest speed motivator in the 1-167th Infantry doesn’t listen to the haters and draggers and prefers to see the burn pits as half full, sources confirmed today.

“A lot of guys, you know, focus on the bad shit. I focus on how much shit,” said Chase, coughing up a suspiciously dark loogie. “Whatever, maybe the burn pits aren’t as dank as the old timers talk about, but they’re still burn pits.”

Chase, a PT stud who volunteers for every additional duty, is also known for having the best e-mail signature block in the battalion. Half full, half empty, full of diseased dead camels or just human shit, Chase is always willing to see the best in his situation.

“Chase just won’t stop,” said Sgt. Maj. Ted Hopper. “Some guys would see a bunch of cocks drawn in the port-a-shitter and only notice that there’s no balls. But not Chase. Chase would focus on all the dicks.”

When reached for comment, Chase was leading his squad patrol despite his oozing eye infection in his left eye, preferring to focus on how well his right eye was working.

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Army

Absence of assassin from future confuses ambitious company commander

Aspiring military dictator wonders why agents from the future have not been sent to stop him… yet

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Fort Bragg, N.C. — A company commander is expressing shock and dismay that after six years in the Army a future assassin has yet to travel back in time and attempt to kill him, sources confirmed today.

“Boundless ambition? Check. Contempt for subordinates? Check. Rejection of enlightenment values combined with a burning desire to usher in a fascistic, military-style dictatorship with myself at the helm? Check, and check,” said Hawkingson. “Why haven’t I been targeted for elimination by a temporal agent desperate to stop my inevitable rise to power?”

Capt. Ben Hawkingson, a company commander with the 82nd Airborne Division, has accomplished every goal he’s set out for himself so far to date including: being promoted below zone, taking top honors at West Point, leading the scout platoon, intriguing against buddies during Ranger School resulting in their getting peered, and immediately taking command of B Co, 4/325, 3rd Brigade, 82nd ABCT upon arriving at Fort Bragg. In spite of all Hawkingson’s successes thus far, the future has yet to reach backward to stop him.

“It wasn’t until after I received a silver star for heroism in combat that I realized my true potential,” Hawkingson said. “At West Point, I knew I was destined for greatness, but everything began to fall into place for me after the award. Now, I know what I’m meant to be: leader of then newly-formed United Federation of American States. So why has no temporal agent from the future been sent to destroy me while there’s still a chance?”

Hawkingson said that he compulsively checks his rear-view mirror while driving, expecting at any moment that leather jacket-clad, sub-machine gun wielding operatives sent into the past from a dystopian future will pursue him on Kawasaki Ninjas. He keeps a loaded pistol in the glove compartment of his truck for this reason. Hawkingson also enrolled in a defensive driving course that taught him how to maintain control of a vehicle that’s being attacked by a single well-trained martial arts expert with cybernetic implants or waves of monomaniacal assailants.

“I don’t do drive-through any more,” said Hawkingson, “not since my awakening. And I try to avoid tolls, too. I’d be a sitting duck.”

While Hawkingson admitted that there are probably other threats he’s missing because the motivated and fanatical resistance his regime will inevitably provoke has yet to invent them, he tries to keep his mind open.

“Science fiction films and television programming seem convinced that the future will include directed energy weapons, and it’s already pretty easy to use drones right off the shelf,” he added. “Subversive assassins may have access to the type of technology necessary to control groups of them to rain down death from above or below. Submarine drones! Think about it.”

Another possibility, which Hawkingson considered briefly before dismissing it, is that time travel isn’t possible.

“I suppose it’s possible that at some point in the future, my bold scheme is thwarted, there is that,” he said. “My plots have never failed before of course, including when I sabotaged another platoon leader’s packet for Special Forces selection. But if I did fail, I guess there would be no need for an enterprising, aging quantum physicist to dedicate his life to vengeance after I somehow cause the death of his only beloved daughter.”

One thing is certain, according to Hawkingson.

“If they don’t kill me, in 15 to 20 years, you can expect either a presidential run from yours truly, or a no-holds barred military coup,” he said. “One way or the other. It’s happening.”

“Unless someone thinks they can stop me!” he shouted, turning to the sky.

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Army

Command climate survey filled out in bile

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FORT BLISS, Texas – Recent command climate surveys from 28th Personnel Services Battalion have proved difficult to compile due to the high proportion that were filled out in bile, semen, and spit, sources confirmed today.

“We’re not really sure what’s going on at the 28th PSB,” said Col. Megan Smith, a spokesperson for army G1 at the Pentagon. “We weren’t able to get many data points from these poorly or incorrectly completed surveys.”

Command climate surveys have been a tool in the army since 2013 and are now usually completed online with a paper option. West Pointer Capt. Keith Konzel had the grand idea to initiate the 28th PSB’s surveys as famously hands-on. The 28th was unique in that the entire unit completed the survey without reminders and a high proportion of soldiers opted for paper surveys.

“It’s really unusual to get so much participation,” said Smith, pinching her nose above a seeping pile of climate surveys. “Soldiers often feel that they can’t be completely honest on the survey.”

The chaplain reports an unusually high number of pastoral care requests for the company, and medics have been attempting to track down a small typhoid outbreak related to a batch of surveys covered in “sick baby shits.”

At press time, G1 was close to compiling the command climate results based almost entirely on the one survey where the bubbles had been filled out to resemble a penis.

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Army Fortnite Lieutenant Goes Missing During Navigation Exercise

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FORTNITE ISLAND — A lieutenant in the Army’s eSports team was reported missing early in his training, and leaders are conducting a thorough search before a virtual storm makes rescue efforts dangerous, sourced confirmed today.

Hundreds of Soldiers have flocked to represent their service branch in popular games such as Call of Duty, League of Legends, and Fortnite since the Army’s announcement of plans to create a number of sponsored professional eSports teams

The Army recently completed its first pre-screening cycle for what will become its Fortnite team. 150 Soldiers undergo an intensive selection cycle in the hopes of earning the coveted “Fortnite Ranger” tab and a spot on the eSports roster.

Second Lt. Joshua “$n1P3$” Sykes, a recent graduate of West Point and one of the four Fortnite platoon leaders, was reported missing just a few days after the start of the selection process. Sykes and his platoon were out on a routine navigation exercise when the lieutenant took a wrong turn, according to Staff Sgt. Elizabeth “MtND3W” Hernandez, a spokesperson for the Marketing and Engagement Brigade at Fort Knox.

“$n1P3$ and his team were en route to Polar Peak from Pleasant Park. Upon arriving at Tilted Towers, the first rendezvous point, platoon sergeant Sgt. 1st Class Jason ‘D0r1To$’ Kissinger noticed that the Lt was no longer with them,” Hernandez said.

“He honestly could be anywhere,” D0r1To$ told reporters as he expressed his dissatisfaction and concern with a “Heartbroken” emoticon. “The best thing that we can do now is hope that he can manage to look at the top of his screen to see in which direction our markers are.”

The search area has been widened to include all of the spaces between Loot Lake and Paradise Palms.

“We just hope that we can get to him before the storm does,” D0r1To$ said as he rallied his team after an intense dance off to go find the missing lieutentant.

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Unit’s position given away by first sergeant’s knees

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FORT IRWIN, Calif. – Eight soldiers were notionally killed during a tactical exercise when their first sergeant gave their position away by trying to stand up from the prone position, sources confirmed today.

“We take good noise discipline very seriously there,” OPFOR commander Sgt. 1st Class Tim Nelson said. “When (1st Sgt. Anthony) Palmer stood up and attempted to take a running step, the obvious crackling sound alerted everyone in four miles and scared a deer away. We had to take the opportunity to teach them a lesson about stealth and attack.”

Palmer’s knees are graduates of the Airborne, Air Assault, and Army Ranger Schools, with deployments to Afghanistan and Kuwait.

“First sergeant’s knees are the crunchiest in the company,” said Staff Sgt. Michael Landry, a squad leader in Palmer’s company. “Mine might pop occasionally, but his sound like a Rice Krispies commercial.”

Soldiers in Palmer’s company have long been hoping that he would stop leading by example to come check on them during exercises while his knees sounded like a caveman rubbing two sticks together to make a fire. While this was the first occasion that a tactical engagement was lost due to the knees, for years, soldiers have been using knee echolocation to know exactly when to stop shamming before their caught.

When reached for comment, Palmer told the Duffel Blog he’d done more in 25 years than any of those kids and threw 800 milligram motrin at the problem.

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