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Federal Employees, Military Banned From Viewing Wikileaks Movie

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Wikileaks The Fifth Estate movie

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite the ongoing shutdown and yesterday’s shooting near Capitol Hill, the U.S. government has apparently still found time to send out an internal e-mail to all federal and military employees reminding them that they are banned from seeing the upcoming Wikileaks film The Fifth Estate.

The government is enacting the ban due to the film’s use of classified documents and other protected material.

“Whether you’re at work, at home, or in a theater with hundreds of people, that doesn’t change your responsibility to protect classified material and avoid unauthorized disclosure,” reads the joint memorandum by the Office of Personnel Management and the Department of Defense. It was sent out to the entire federal government and U.S. military on Friday morning.

“Personnel seen in theaters may be prosecuted for unauthorized disclosure and viewing of classified information in an unauthorized medium in a non-secure facility,” the document warns.

The message adds that all local military commands and government facilities not affected by the shutdown have been tasked with providing volunteers to monitor any theater in the country showing The Fifth Estate.

These personnel have been trained to spot the trademark high-and-tights and cheap suits which many federal employees and military personnel sport while off duty.

The document suggests that all employees avoid going to the movies at all while The Fifth Estate is in theaters, and should stay at home watching the unclassified movies, such as the musical comedy 1776.

Federal workers who do feel the need to go to the movies during this period should contact their Special Security Officer for a list of approved theaters in their area not showing the film.

The Fifth Estate is a biopic of Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, who has been accused of creating leaks all over the Internet, as well as several women in Sweden. It opens in theaters on October 18 and selected government intelligence facilities several days prior.

The U.S. government has complained that the film contains footage from a 2007 airstrike in Baghdad, popularly known as the Collateral Murder video, that was never declassified. It also contains images of multiple classified documents which have also not been properly cleared for release.

Ironically, the new policy puts the U.S. government in an uneasy alliance with Wikileaks itself, which protested the film by leaking its screenplay online.

This ban comes on top of already-existing bans on federal workers and their children from viewing the website Wikileaks, its Wikipedia entry, newspapers which write about it, or even acknowledging its existence.

Current guidance is that if someone brings up Wikileaks in conversation, government workers should place their hands over their ears while loudly singing the Star Spangled Banner, or if military the appropriate service hymn, and exit the area as quickly as possible.

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Trump to host “Who Wants To Be A Cabinet Secretary?” to find next secretary of defense

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – The White House is negotiating a reality television show with producer Mark Burnett to identify the next secretary of defense nominee with President Donald Trump set to host, sources confirmed today.

The show, titled “Who Wants To Be A Defense Secretary?” will pit contestant against each other as they vie for the job of leading the U.S. military. Patrick Shanahan has been acting secretary of defense since January 1, 2019, and the White House must nominate a permanent appointee for Senate approval.

“As President Trump says, a lot of people want to be part of this cabinet,” said a senior Defense Department official involved in the show’s development. “And he proved on ‘The Apprentice’ that nobody is better at picking winners from the pack in a way that’s both thorough and entertaining.”

The Department of Defense is America’s largest employer, with over three million uniformed and civilian members. Presidential administrations often nominate appointees who are government or private sector leaders experienced with managing substantial programs or national security issues.

“Selecting a nominee the traditional way would be the opposite of draining the swamp,” said a senior White House official. “We want to give the best leaders a chance to compete. They could come from any circle – government, industry, or even television commentators. They have a unique perspective on national defense issues because they talk about them so much and many are retired majors or colonels.”

Although the show is in the early development, it will include Burnett’s familiar reality show “challenges” where contestants compete to prove their skills. One challenge will require contenders to reallocate funds to another government project while transforming the Defense Department to face peer and near-peer adversaries while simultaneously managing a housing crisis. Another will require withdrawing forces from previous conflict commitments without any discussion with senior commanders, strategic analysis, or military decision-making processes that normally support such planning.

In a challenge tentatively titled “Allies, (Huh, Good God Ya’ll) What Are They Good For?,” contestants will have to find innovative ways to pursue military cooperation with countries that traditional allies call “pariahs.”

“Mil-to-mil cooperation with allies is easy. An innovative leader finds ways to cooperate with so-called despots,” said a Defense Department official.

Republican Sen. Tom Cotton, a past front-runner for defense secretary and an expert on military affairs after a tour in Afghanistan and Iraq, is a contender, according to sources. A second possible challenger is Russia expert and former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

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Pentagon reinstates ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy for troops on keto diet

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Keto Diet

PENTAGON –  “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” the controversial policy that formally prohibited military members from openly discussing their sexual orientation, will now block any talk of the keto diet, acting Defense Secretary Patrick M. Shanahan announced today.

“While it is every service member’s right to follow whatever diet their heart leads them to, it is for the good order and discipline of U.S. forces that I am directing all service members on the keto diet to keep it in the closet,” Shanahan told reporters.

The ketogenic diet, or “keto diet,” is a popular weight loss regimen that limits carbohydrate intake and promotes talking incessantly about how great it is to eat bacon and lose weight. The new policy will take effect at the end of the month with bipartisan support. It will force commanders to take action against any troop going on about how they put butter in their coffee.

“We think this is a step in the right direction,” said everyone not on the keto diet. “This diet is a choice, and the rest of us shouldn’t have to hear about it.”

“Well, keto is all about glucosamine, crossfit, and vegans suck,” said Tech Sgt. Bill Harrison when asked to comment. “I start my day with an avocado and then drink vegetable oil until my stool is only blood. The pounds come right off.”

In addition to paperwork, any military member discussing the diet will have to eat one apple. The apple contains natural sugar and will immediately return any weight lost as well as much needed nutrients.

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Pentagon announces war lineup through 2030

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WASHINGTON – The Pentagon released today the official lineup of planned U.S. wars through the year 2030.

Policymakers state that the primary goal of the project, known as the ‘Murican Combat Upsurge (MCU), is to regenerate public excitement over the military industrial complex.

“We haven’t had a real, classic blockbuster war since World War II,” said President Donald Trump. “Sure, the Gulf was okay, but that was a small, made-for-TV war. I like big wars.”

Phase I of the MCU will kick off with a series of brief, solo engagements coming to a variety of combat theaters near you.

“We’ve got to get the audience, I mean the taxpayer, emotionally involved with the different players,” said the program director J.J. Abrams, “NATO is a storied franchise with a lot of history, something those hacks trying to reboot ‘The Warsaw League’ just don’t understand.”

Abrams revealed that Phase I will culminate in a massive global conflict starring an all-star cast of NATO members. Reviewers have called the project the most ambitious crossover since the Power Rangers met the Ninja Turtles. Under the working title, “World War III” is set to release in late 2023, likely premiering somewhere in the Middle East.

In 2026, the Department of Defense plans to reboot “America: Revolution,” an origin story described in pre-production as a gritty take on the bloody rebellion for national independence.

“Remakes are tough; I know better than anybody,” Abrams admitted. “Just look at the Iraq franchise. We’re wrapping up our third try in 30 years, and we still can’t figure it out. I’m sure we’ll take another crack at that one soon enough, though.”

Planners have set a sequel to the 2023 NATO war due out in 2027. Forces of the West, led by eccentric billionaire Elon Musk, once again combine their powers to combat a vague threat from outer space. The engagement will feature Trump’s new Space Force, which keen-eyed fans will recall was teased in the post-credits scene of Operation Inherent Resolve in 2018. Easter egg enthusiasts can also look forward to recurring cameos from beloved former-Defense Secretary Jim Mattis.

At press, despite the rallying cries of deranged fanboys across the internet, there is still no word about a possible sequel to Civil War.

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Pentagon swear jar funds entire border wall after one week

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WASHINGTON – Pentagon leaders started a swear jar to defray potential losses after President Donald Trump declared a national emergency to fund parts of a wall on the U.S. border with Mexico and donations have far exceeded projections, sources confirmed today.

What began as a way to prevent cutting military construction projects quickly turned into a revenue stream for the Pentagon.

“We figured we would raise enough money to keep the lights on in the building or, at best, buy another fifth-generation fighter,” said acting Secretary of Defense Patrick Shanahan. “We had no idea we could fund the entire border wall, rid military housing of black mold, and pay for the two new carriers we approved last month.”

Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley was the first to contribute to the jar. Milley was heard mumbling a stream of obscenities under his breath when he sharted after bending over to pick up a tootsie roll that fell out of his pocket. Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John Richardson was quick to follow when aides heard him swearing like a sailor during a joint staff meeting after someone mentioned “Multi-Domain Operations.”

“The Navy has a proud history of cursing,” said Richardson as he slipped a twenty-dollar bill into the three-story jar. “We practically made it a fucking sport over the past 243 years.”

Perhaps the greatest contributor to the cause was Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller who eventually set up a direct allotment from his paycheck to the swear jar. Neller has not used a sentence without profanity since finding out he will not be the next chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, according to sources.

Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David Goldfein could not be reached for comment but sources confirm he put a few dollars in the jar after accidentally muttering “fiddlesticks” when he scuffed his shoes on the ice cream machine in his office.

“This is great, really GREAT,” Trump tweeted after hearing of the Pentagon’s success. “Those guys in the funny clothes in the Rectangle Building have really come through for the WALL.”

At press time, a CH-47 helicopter could be seen airlifting the full swear jar from the Pentagon courtyard to an undisclosed location.

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Army leadership calls for “disruptive thinkers” to step forward so they can be more easily liquidated

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FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. — Senior Army officers and enlisted service members called for “disruptive thinkers” to come forward, so that they can more easily be identified and marginalized or even murdered, sources confirmed today.

In the “Disruptive Thinkers” seminar, a select group of senior non-commissioned officers and commissioned officers of all ranks listened to Gen. Mark Milley, chief of staff of the Army, address the crowd and speak about the importance of identifying disruptive thinkers.

“It’s of vital importance to identify you and the others among our ranks who have a good idea about how better to manage our promotion systems, our tactical doctrine, our technical training, and even the way we interact with the other instruments of government power,” said Milley, nodding curtly to the back of the room.

His personal security detail then locked the doors to the room and began the slaughter.

Other senior leaders, both currently active and retired, applaud the Army’s efforts to identify disruptive thinkers.

“I myself made a great effort to identify those officers in my command who were disruptive,” said retired Brig. Gen. William King, who before retiring led 20th Support Command ALL BY HIMSELF!

“It’s crucial to winnow the chaff from the wheat and then make sure the wheat gets cut down and made into white bread,” he said. “That’s the whole reason I was such an effective leader that I managed to disseminate anthrax and ricin to the general public over fifty times!”

Reached for comment, spokesmen for the Army general staff confirmed that disruptive thinkers are indeed a critical asset who must be quickly identified and disposed of, otherwise the Army might start winning wars, and nobody wants that.

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After North Pole moves, NORAD assures Eric Trump it can still track Santa

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Department of Defense officials assured Eric Trump that a natural geologic shift of the magnetic North Pole would not jeopardize Santa Claus, his toy workshop, or Trump’s chances of receiving Christmas gifts, sources confirmed today.

Trump expressed concerns about observations that the magnetic north pole is drifting, which he believed could interfere with Santa Claus’s navigation capabilities or prevent the U.S. Northern Command (NORAD) from using its famous “Santa Tracker” to monitor Saint Nick’s’ toy deliveries on Christmas Eve. Either situation, according to Trump, would constitute “probably the biggest national security issue of the entire world. Like, ever.”

Trump’s concern stemmed from recent news reports that the Earth’s magnetic north pole is moving from the Canadian Artic towards Russia at 34 miles per year. Magnetic north normally moves slowly over time due to energy from the planet’s core. The current drift is significantly faster than in the past and requires updates to navigation systems.

With no official role in the White House, Trump leveraged his father’s influence and convened an emergency meeting to review the situation.

Using a model of the Santa’s workshop made from legos, Trump declared that navigation issues for Santa or a gap in NORAD tracking abilities presented a national security crisis “every bit as real as the emergency on our southern border.”

Based on the pole’s drift towards Russia, Trump was particularly concerned that Vladimir Putin is “stealing” magnetic north.

The attending CIA representative stated that the intelligence community has no evidence linking the drift to Putin or any of the “bad guys” that Trump suggested as Putin’s accomplices – Boris Badenov, Natasha Fatale, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Dr. Evil, or the Hamburgler.

“Not a chance sir,” said the CIA representative, “pretty much because they’re all fictional characters.”

Trump replied that he “totally knows” that the Hamburgler is not a real person, saying “that costume is an obvious cover disguise. Duh.”

The staff duty officer at NORAD drew a picture that depicted the drift of magnetic north and placement of NORAD sensors with the words “really big antennas here,” which eventually reassured Trump.

Trump said that he is committed to be “really really super good” in 2019 to give Santa extra incentive for overcoming the magnetic shift.

As the meeting convened, attendees overheard an Air Force representative tell Trump that NORAD “should probably get a couple of billion dollars for sensor improvements, just to be safe.”

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Leaked: Fortnite revealed to be Ender’s Game

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PENTAGON — Much like the search for the golden ticket in Willy Wonka, the country has erupted into a sweet Fortnite gaming sesh that doubles as real world operation to select the leader of all U.S. forces, sources confirmed today.

Billed as a battle royale video game, Fortnite has players vie to prove themselves worthy of being stolen by the government and raised as the next general to represent the U.S. in the current and future conflicts.

“This was never supposed to get out, but we’re pretty desperate here in the back rooms,” revealed Col. Graff, a Space Force official. “So we decided to just copy the book ‘Ender’s Game.’ ‘Or The Last Starfighter.’ Whatever. We’re going to try anything.”

The reveal shocked Americans when it was leaked last week, but the public has recovered from the potential moral implications — mostly because there’s a prize. Parents are encouraging their children to play Fortnite more, and reports show some actively forcing their children to leave school, imprisoning them in much the same way the children hope to be imprisoned if they win the competition.

“We figure the wars will keep going, and we’re going to want to win eventually,” stated Graff. “Why wait for the next general to be hopefully good enough to win this thing when we can raise a kid on Mountain Dew, pit him against other children, and remove his moral core until he’s ready to take wield the full power of the United States military?”

The leaks have contributed to the government’s efforts. Fortnite players are on the rise, and most are looking forward to being launched into space with multiple children saying “that’d be pretty sick.”

The military’s effort to find the next strategic military genius are still ongoing.

“Do we have one picked out?” Graff replied. “Well, we have a few. Our number one choice murdered another child in the showers, and we thought that was sort of badass. So he’s totally the top contender.”

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Trump asks new secretary of defense to get Don Jr. job as an “Army guy”

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Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons

WASHINGTON —  President Donald Trump pulled aside Patrick Shanahan, the acting secretary of Defense, following a cabinet meeting to ask him about finding employment for Donald Trump Jr. as an “Army guy,” sources confirmed today.

“Pat, question for you,” the president began, “There’s my son, Don, you know him, Don Junior. He always wanted to be an Army guy when he was little. I mean, I think he did, I heard this from his nannies. They barely spoke English, so who knows? Anyway, so I thought, why don’t we get him a job as an Army guy?”

Sources report that Shanahan, who until the end of December had worked as the deputy under then-Secretary of Defense James Mattis, stood smiling politely as Trump continued explaining his request.

“He could be a great commander, a very, very powerful military leader,” said the president. “I’ve got a great eye for it — I went to a military prep school, it was just like the Army. So, I know what I’m talking about, and believe me, Don has what it takes.”

“So let’s make him a big shot,” Trump added. “Maybe not a general to start. He’s gotta work his way up. It’s the military. I understand, believe me. But start him at something higher than a colonel. Colonel sounds low, too low. Reminds me of Colonel Sanders. What about marshal? That’s a rank, right? Doesn’t matter, we’ll make it a rank.”

Continuing his unbroken monologue — during which Shanahan stopped smiling and began slowly rubbing his forehead — Trump also ruled out the possibility of commissioning his son in the other branches of the military.

“You might ask, what about the Navy? But no, we dressed Don and Eric up as sailors when they were kids, age 15 or so, and it was no good, they looked like sissies. Or Marines? But they’re the same as the Army, no difference, I can’t see much difference. Why don’t we merge them, by the way? Has anyone thought of that, merging the Marines and the Army? Would save a lot of money. Anyway. Air Force? No—Trumps don’t fly planes, we pay other people to fly so we can sit back with first-class service. Only the best service on my planes, believe me. Air Force One is decent, but it’s not the best, believe me, I’ve had the best.”

Sources confirm that Trump admitted this was not the first time he had made this request.

“I ran this by the guy who came before you [Secretary James Mattis], and I gotta say, he wasn’t thrilled,” the president said. “That’s part of why I fired him.”

“Because I did fire him,” Trump clarified. “He didn’t resign, I fired him after he gave me his letter of resignation. It was a firing.”

At the conclusion of their meeting, sources report, Shanahan told the president that his new duties were keeping him “quite busy.” He then suggested revisiting the president’s proposal on February 30th, and walked briskly out of the Oval Office before the president could look at a calendar.

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