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BREAKING: Navy SEALs Capture Terrorist In Somalia, Or Kill Him, Or Shit We Don’t Know


SOMALIA — Sources confirmed that members of the elite U.S. Navy SEAL Team 6 captured a member of the Al Shabaab terror group just weeks after they pulled off a deadly attack on a Nairobi shopping mall.

Or maybe it was SEAL Team 2, or Special Forces. Media sources confirm we’ll let you know later.

The raid featured the trademarked “coming out of the water with weapons raised” technique which then morphed into a firefight exactly like the Bin Laden raid.

Or wait. The Bin Laden raid had very little shooting. CNN reports we’ll find out more and let you know.

This is a developing story, goddamnit.

A senior U.S. official said the raid netted a senior Al Shabaab leader, who will be flown back to the U.S. for trial. Or maybe he was the leader of Al Shabaab. Oh shit, that sounds even better. The leader of Al Shabaab was captured.

Oh fuck, the guy’s dead.


We can now confirm that U.S. Navy SEALs are stationed somewhere in the Middle East, according to an unnamed U.S. official.

At press time, sources were seen editing their breaking stories, hoping people don’t notice.

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