USS BOXER – A Meal, Ready-to-Eat (MRE) aboard the amphibious assault ship USS Boxer says it would be nice to have some foreplay prior to getting torn from its packaging and ratfucked by whichever Marine eventually pulls it out of its cardboard box in search of a late night snack.
Though the Menu 7 Beef Brisket MRE says it’s keenly aware that whomever its hungry suitor turns out to be will most likely rip open its plastic bag and wastefully discard all of its edible contents with the exception of one or two choice items, the pre-packaged food stuff is still holding out hope that it might be able to “get a little somthin’-somethin’” prior to the aforementioned ratfucking.
“I know we’re out to sea and people are busy executing the mission,” said the MRE, “so it’s not like I’m expecting the same romantic treatment I’d get from some unemployed doomsday prepper who has the time to go nice and gentle while masticating upon all my nutritional goodness.”
“At the same time, though,” the MRE went on, “is it asking too much to have somebody get this flameless ration heater fired up by having my brisket’s most tender and juicy pieces nibbled ever so delicately? Or maybe to get a little cheese spread squeezed-out and rubbed all over my crackers? I think I deserve that before letting anybody get all up in my gum and matches.”
When asked as to whether those remarks were meant to be an ultimatum to any hungry Marine who might have ratfucking on his or her mind, the self-contained individual field ration was resolute.
“Anybody wanting to get at these Skittles and cookies had best show a little appreciation of MY needs,” said the MRE, “because this biscuit ain’t about to eat itself.”
At press time, the MRE happily reported that it had avoided a ratfucking, and was instead being “culinarotically pleasured” not by an embarked Marine, but by an overweight ship Sailor with a fetish for eating dry cocoa beverage powder while wallowing in his own loneliness.