WASHINGTON, DC — Following a Pentagon study into homosexual acts committed by sexually-deprived soldiers on deployment, the Navy is quietly rescinding a century-old order commonly paraphrased as “It’s not gay if it’s underway,” sources confirmed today.
The results of the study were met with outrage, particularly from the Chief’s Mess, which prides itself as a bastion of naval heritage.
“Those daggone suits in Washington just had to go and royally screw a fine Navy tradition,” said Chief John Phillips. “I bet not one of them could even tell you where the term ‘salty’ originated.”
Despite the controversy among sailors hoping to maintain tradition, Pentagon researchers have pushed back.
“Our research yielded astonishing results,” said Dr. Justin Butts. “Namely, that a homosexual act consummated in a fan room is exactly the same as one performed ashore in the continental United States.”
Studies conducted on forward-deployed surface vessels revealed a significant spike in sodomy on “beer days,” which are awarded to crews that have gone in excess of 45 days without a port of call. Linguists now speculate that the origin of the pejorative “two-beer queer” can be traced back to beer days and resultant homosexual activity.
“Listen, I’m totally straight,” asserted one sailor speaking on condition of anonymity in mid-thrust. “This is my fourth deployment. You think I haven’t tried to plow any of the chicks around here? They’re all goddamn lesbians. I’m just trying to satisfy my masculine needs.”
“Plus, we recycle our water underway,” chimed in the unidentified bottom. “Every guy on the ship is drinking someone’s shower babies anyway.”
The study also lent credence to the urban myth that submarines “deploy with a hundred men and return with fifty couples.”
“The things we do for our country,” said Seaman Michael Jones while observing a king-of-the-ring mud-wrestling match, unfolding somewhere in the depths of the Pacific. “This isn’t gay at all.”
Officials endorsed the slogan, “86 the 69,” to educate sailors about the change.
At press time, the Navy was last seen desperately trying to redeem its image with overt acts of machismo, releasing three more films about Navy SEALs, including a documentary that follows SEAL Team members as they conduct a raid on a literary agent for their next book about Hell Week.
Meanwhile, think tanks were embroiled in a heated debate over alternative homosexual disclaimers, including: “It’s Straight As Long As It’s a Shipmate,” “It’s Only Queer By the Pier,” “Loose Hips Float Ships,” and “Fuck It – Who Are We Kidding, Anyway?”
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