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NAVY: 100-Year-Old ‘It’s Not Gay If It’s Underway’ Directive Rescinded

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navy sailor
A US Navy sailor just out for a morning stroll.

WASHINGTON, DC — Following a Pentagon study into homosexual acts committed by sexually-deprived soldiers on deployment, the Navy is quietly rescinding a century-old order commonly paraphrased as “It’s not gay if it’s underway,” sources confirmed today.

The results of the study were met with outrage, particularly from the Chief’s Mess, which prides itself as a bastion of naval heritage.

“Those daggone suits in Washington just had to go and royally screw a fine Navy tradition,” said Chief John Phillips. “I bet not one of them could even tell you where the term ‘salty’ originated.”

Despite the controversy among sailors hoping to maintain tradition, Pentagon researchers have pushed back.

“Our research yielded astonishing results,” said Dr. Justin Butts. “Namely, that a homosexual act consummated in a fan room is exactly the same as one performed ashore in the continental United States.”

Studies conducted on forward-deployed surface vessels revealed a significant spike in sodomy on “beer days,” which are awarded to crews that have gone in excess of 45 days without a port of call. Linguists now speculate that the origin of the pejorative “two-beer queer” can be traced back to beer days and resultant homosexual activity.

“Listen, I’m totally straight,” asserted one sailor speaking on condition of anonymity in mid-thrust. “This is my fourth deployment. You think I haven’t tried to plow any of the chicks around here? They’re all goddamn lesbians. I’m just trying to satisfy my masculine needs.”

“Plus, we recycle our water underway,” chimed in the unidentified bottom. “Every guy on the ship is drinking someone’s shower babies anyway.”

The study also lent credence to the urban myth that submarines “deploy with a hundred men and return with fifty couples.”

“The things we do for our country,” said Seaman Michael Jones while observing a king-of-the-ring mud-wrestling match, unfolding somewhere in the depths of the Pacific. “This isn’t gay at all.”

Officials endorsed the slogan, “86 the 69,” to educate sailors about the change.

At press time, the Navy was last seen desperately trying to redeem its image with overt acts of machismo, releasing three more films about Navy SEALs, including a documentary that follows SEAL Team members as they conduct a raid on a literary agent for their next book about Hell Week.

Meanwhile, think tanks were embroiled in a heated debate over alternative homosexual disclaimers, including: “It’s Straight As Long As It’s a Shipmate,” “It’s Only Queer By the Pier,” “Loose Hips Float Ships,” and “Fuck It – Who Are We Kidding, Anyway?”

Jay-B, Mike, Lee Ho Fuk, and Juice Box contributed to this report during a weekend getaway on Paul’s yacht.

Marine Corps

Navy announces newest occupational specialty: ‘meat gazer’

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WASHINGTON  — The Navy announced today the creation of a new career track to help with its large urinalysis test backlog: meat gazer.

The new Navy occupational specialty will require sailors to keep an eye on the wieners of service members as they urinate into collection cups during drug tests.

“Meat gazing was historically a low-level collateral duty for go getters who volunteered to impress commanders, weirdos who enjoy checking out other dudes’ packages, or simple run-of-the-mill perverts. Now, it’s a full-time job,” said Secretary of the Navy Richard Spencer.

The meat gazer rating is the result of a petition that went viral and gained the attention of Navy leaders.

The Marines started the petition.org effort as a joke, but it quickly garnered service-wide exposure. Roughly 245,000 sailors signed the petition within days, which equates to nearly three-quarters of the Navy begging and yearning to stare at rods for a living.

“In addition to the petition, we also noted that a large number of sailors already excelled in staring at the genitalia of other male sailors in the restroom,” said Capt. Richard D. Head, who is spearheading the new initiative. “It really made sense to build a satisfying career track for these hog worshipers.”

While sailors from across the Navy have been submitting rate-change request packets in record numbers, most of the new meat gazers are expected to come from the ranks of the Navy’s master at arms rating, which already has a high number of habitual meat gazers.

Advancement exams for the new specialty will cover topics such as advising sailors on how to handle their beef during testing, keeping urine containers uncontaminated, and requiring sailors to stand far enough away from urinals to allow meat gazers the perfect view to see urine leave the penis.

“Sometimes we are staring more intently and concentrating harder than the person trying to push urine through their meat sticks,” said Petty Officer 2nd Class Jack M. Hoff. “But the whole experience is satisfying to everyone involved. I’m glad the Navy has heard our voices and is allowing meat gazers to exist. I’m beyond excited.”

Sailors hoping to obtain a slot as a meat gazer have been spending their free time hanging out in as many locker rooms as possible, practicing their trade, and honing their skills, according to sources.

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Navy

Navy SEAL: The best way to tell people you’re a Navy SEAL is to tell them

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NORFOLK, Va. — Navy SEALs, one of America’s most iconic special operations forces, are renowned for their expertise, prowess, and the shroud of secrecy surrounding their operations. However, the life of a Navy Special Warfare operator can also be one of the most rewarding paths in the military service, given the right combination of experience, publishers, and celebrity connections, according to a new book by former SEAL Joe McQueeney.

“Being a SEAL isn’t all guts-and-glory, or five-mile swims before dawn,” McQueeney said. “There’s also networking with publicists, prime-time appearances on cable news channels, and telling complete strangers what you do for a living.”

According to McQueeney, it was difficult for him to learn to interject his SEAL service into unrelated conversations, but he overcame his initial hesitance during a PTA meeting at his daughter’s elementary school.

“The principal had asked if the parents had any concerns, and I remember standing up to make a comment on the school lunches. I said, ‘I think, as a Navy SEAL, the lunches here aren’t very nutritious,’ and that if I had to eat that food every day, I would never have gotten in camera-ready shape to star in the Hollywood blockbuster ‘Act of Valor,’” he said.

“From then on, it got a little easier to bring up my covert ops experience to total strangers, whether I’m buying groceries, chatting up girls at the gym, or even asking police officers to give me their service weapon on Instagram.”

McQueeney’s interview was cut short when the barista at Starbucks announced that she had a venti no-whip soy mocha frap for a “Quiet Professional.”

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Navy

Another round of high-ranking elves implicated in Fat Blitzen scandal

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NORTH POLE – Another round of high-ranking elves face allegations of corruption through their association with the known convict Fat Blitzen, sources close to Santa confirmed today.

“This is ho-ho-horrible,” Santa said. “This web of corruption and kickbacks is so pervasive that if I got rid of all the elves who were involved, I’d be left with the two nitwits in the Egg Nog room, Mrs. Claus, and an empty pair of jingle shoes.”

Blitzen, the leader of the network, had been bribing elves to redirect Santa to homes where he controlled critical holiday services such as cookie icing, fudge packing, and caroling.

The elves are charged with accepting inflated pricing on magical glitter flying reindeer feed, milk and cookies for Santa, and inflated rooftop landing fees. With the help of the elves, Blitzen was even able to re-engineer parts of the sleigh so it would only fit down Blitzen-approved chimneys.

Santa has shown leniency towards the elves, downgrading charges of caroluption. Buddy, the last elf to see UCMJ for his actions, was sentenced to pay wreathstatution.

Blitzen is facing up to 8 years on the naughty list in the U.S. and possible candy caning in Singapore.

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Marine Corps

Meet the woman who got a kidney transplant from an infantryman and woke up craving Monster and Skoal

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CARMEL, Ind. – Third grade teacher Kasie Spyker woke up after a long-awaited kidney transplant dying for a cold Monster and fresh can of Skoal after receiving an organ from an infantryman, sources at Methodist Hospital confirmed today.

Spyker, who had been suffering from lupus and on a strict diet of fresh foods her entire life, had never tried any of Monster’s products before the life-saving surgery.

“I’d heard from other patients in the transplant ward that they felt different after the transplant.” Said Spyker. “For David, he got a lung transplant from a marathoner and suddenly wanted to go running. I got a kidney from an infantryman, and suddenly wanted to pack a fat lip.”

Spyker’s friends and family had raised over $20,000 to help pay for the transplant surgery and recovery. They were thrilled to learn that she’d be getting a kidney from a young infantryman at the peak of physical fitness after he died suddenly in a freak motorcycle airbrushing accident. They now hope to raise money for the Dodge Charger payments the soldier left behind.

“I feel like a new woman,” said Spyker, drawing out a fresh new tattoo to commemorate the transplant. “I’m so thankful for this new lease on life. I can’t wait until I’m out of this hospital gown and can go buy some new affliction t-shirts and axe body spray.”

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Air Force

Charles ‘Wide Neck’ McDowell leads USO Tour request voting

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ARLINGTON, Va. — After weeks of neck-and-neck voting, Charles “Wide Neck” McDowell has pulled ahead of adult film actress Riley Reid as the most requested USO star for an upcoming international tour, sources confirmed today.

Service members from throughout the military placed more than 645,000 votes for McDowell and 320,000 for Reid this month following McDowell’s fame after his mugshot went viral.

“This is the kind of guy that everyone has necks-level love for,” commented Andrew Green, a specialist with the 82nd Airborne Division. “Soldiers across the world are coming together and neckworking to bring this god to bless our troops and potentially end racism.”

Though the voting does play a large role for the USO in selecting and funding the star, many more factors come into play before booking can actually begin.

“We sent someone down to Charles’ neck of the woods in Florida where he is currently training for his MMA debut. But despite his schedule he seemed interested, and we will discuss more necks week,” said Robert Hales, booking agent for the USO.

Hales did show some hesitation about bringing McDowell along for the European and Middle East tour starting next March.

“I want to give the troops what they have requested, but they’re in for a shock as soon as they see his neck is normal and his head is just tiny,” he said.

Reid volunteered to go on the tour for free if McDowell decided to attend.

“No lie, wide neck, a go pro, and me could trade his 15 min of fame to 15 min of bliss,” she tweeted.

Florida authorities have also voiced their full-throated support for McDowell to give back to the troops, offering to count it as community service and allowing him to travel internationally. Currently out on bail, McDowell has been capitalizing on his fame by appearing on MTV’s show “Necks,” singing in a feature of Ariana Grande’s “Thank You, Necks” hit song, and swallowing watermelons whole for five dollars in Orlando. Hopes are Ol’ Saint Neck could travel by Christmas.

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Army

Navy pranks Army with 17 years of sustained land-based combat just before Army-Navy game

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PHILADELPHIA — Midshipmen carried on a long tradition of friendly hijinks just before their collegiate rivalry game by pranking Army with 17 years of sustained land-based combat to just “get in their heads” before the big game today.

“We thought, what if these guys who aren’t old enough to drink figure out they’ve dedicated their futures to sprawling forever wars?” said Midshipman Michael Nelson, the senior leading the prank. “Who could mimic the tactics of war for screaming football fans? Once they hold the knowledge that blood and sacrifice will never accomplish the political ends we call victory, they’ll never be able to focus on the game. Navy Wins! Dude, we pwned them good.”

“Plus, after that thing with the Air Force Falcon, we didn’t want to touch animals.” added Nelson.

Nelson got the idea for the hilarious prank while making an Army-Navy rivalry video in his room in Bancroft Hall.

“We ran out of gay jokes, and I was thinking about getting stationed in Oahu with my hot first wife while West Point’s players were going to be leading pointless presence patrols on a route called futility. That’s when I realized that it was the perfect prank!” he said.

Darnell Woolfolk, West Point’s starting running back, fell victim to the hijinks late Friday night when his roommate’s sort of hot cousin called. Little did he know she was working for Team Navy and would subtly let him know that win or lose, he could look forward to multiple rotations in the same wars his father fought.

“I was really pumped up for the game.” Said Woolfolk. “I was listening to Future and thinking about crushing Navy. Then I slowly started thinking about the sacrifices I was making for an American populace that grows further disconnected and disinterested in what we say we’re fighting for. I immediately snuck into Washington Hall to eat spaghetti on ice cream from our special athlete refrigerators.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Woolfolk added, staring into an existential void of multiple deployments, football-induced brain injuries, and strawberry ice cream. “None of it matters anymore.”

As a battered copy of the ‘The Quaker Guide to Gaining Conscientious Objector Status” circulated around the student section of Lincoln Financial Field, West Point’s Corps of Cadets fought back in the healthy spirit of inter-service rivalry by reminding the Brigade of Midshipmen that soon, they’d be wearing an Army uniform and calling themselves “sand sailors” no matter how many aircraft carriers Congress to gave them.

The practical joke strategy worked so well that Navy plans to get in conference rival Tulane’s head by reminding them about the crippling interest rate on student loan debt and the chances of finding job after graduation.

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Navy

Zip-tied Somali pirates bet on how many SEAL memoirs they’ll be in

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MOGADISHU, Somalia — Four zip-tied Somali nationals placed bets on how many Navy SEAL memoirs they would be featured in, according to three SEAL memoirs already published since yesterday’s stand-off.

“Three shots in the dark, and the sacred rite of warfare had ended,” read one description of the mission in 2nd Class Petty Officer Jim MacDonald’s memoir “After Action: Hindsight through NVGs.” “It was a scene that has played out countless times in history: a little boat rocking in the moonlight that was like the gaze of Valhalla, a band of pirates arguing heatedly about how many airport bookstores would carry ghostwritten accounts of their capture.”

Another account of the event appeared in 2nd Class Petty Officer Joe Silvo’s “No Fear: Lessons on Hard Core Leadership for Market Uncertainty.”

“Hard core leaders eat accountability for breakfast,” read the opening paragraph of Chapter One: Hard Core Competencies. “But it can also make even the hardest core leaders feel vulnerable. For instance, when a band of pirates ridiculed me to tears as shameless self-promoter who would disgrace the Navy by cashing in on the prestige of the SEAL name to sell schlock to corporate executives, I almost didn’t ask them for a quote for this book.”

The betting took place after SEAL snipers killed three armed pirates who had taken an American oil tanker crew hostage in a small boat in the Gulf of Aden. Four Somalis were left to contemplate their fates as the SEALs moved in.

“As the bow of our boat parted the mist, we heard groans of agony rising from the pirate’s dinghy,” recalled Chief Petty Officer Ruben Martinez in “Crunch Time: Navy SEAL Secrets to Rock-Hard Abs.”

“Prepared for an ugly scene, we were surprised to find the pirates alert and unharmed, resigned to the fact that they would be reduced to two-dimensional caricatures in the many, many books that would be written about this non-event.”

The captives were driven to piracy by social and environmental forces that were out of their control, which should be considered when depicting them in film or literature, according to screenwriter Katherine Heller who designed the memoir-writing phase of SEAL Qualification Training.

“Picture a community devastated by war, disease, starvation, and neglect, and drop it right at the edge of the sea,” she told a class Wednesday, underlining “Raise The Stakes” on a chalkboard. “It’s the brutal friction between these two realities — the barbarity of man, the endlessness mystery of the raging ocean — that wrought these charact … I mean, survivors, and drove them to confrontation with the most hardened killers in the US military.”

“This is ‘Lone Survivor‘-level sales for anyone who does it right,” she added.

As Duffel Blog went to press, the four as-yet unnamed men were en route to a holding facility in Norfolk, Virginia, where they will face a grueling schedule of interviews by the hundreds of SEALs currently writing memoirs.

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Navy

Level 63 Paladin granted religious exemption to grow neckbeard

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FORT MEADE, Md. – A sailor successfully petitioned for unrestrained growth of his facial hair on the grounds of religious expression, sources aboard Cryptologic Warfare Group Six revealed today.

The Navy’s controversial determination allows the pious sailor to keep with his World of Warcraft (WoW) faith as a devoted servant of the Holy Light and follows closely on the heels of a recent decision by the Air Force granting a Muslim airman the right to wear a beard.

“Lo, a glorious day for Azeroth, indeed, that I might champion the cause of my brothers,” declared local holy warrior, Quest4Cameltō, squeezing one of the many pustular follicles erupting from the pubescent tangle of greasy, unkempt hair below his chins.

Quest4Cameltō, a paladin from the holdfast of Stromgarde, goes by the title of Cryptologic Technician (Interpretive) Seaman Kevin Dietrich in the material world and practices the foreign tongue of ancient Mesopotamia, providing translations and intelligence reports for further analysis.

“Alas, please refrain from addressing me as such,” the godly knight requested. “Verily, I am but a lowly Level 3 peon amongst the uniformed ranks of the Navy, but here,” he said, with a sweeping gesture towards his two, 32-inch 4K UHD monitors, “Here, I am a mighty Level 63 guardian of justice, smiting the wicked and dealing swift retribution to the minions of the Burning Legion.”

WoW is a massively multiplayer online role-playing game worshiped by many sailors and members of the intelligence community. Practicers assume alternate identities as mighty heroes and intrepidly embark on mystical quests with friends and strangers in the pursuit of loot and experience points.

“This is my life,” said Dietrich, proudly sporting the facial hair customary to males of his order.

Grooming standards have prohibited sailors from growing beards since 1984, although medical exemptions have been granted on a case-by-case basis for sailors afflicted with pseudofolliculitis barbae — colloquially known as “razor bumps.” The relentless and unforgiving skin condition predominantly affects Black Americans and service members who deliberately shave against the grain in order to obtain a no-shave chit.

Dietrich had long fought to rectify the injustices the Navy levied against his religious beliefs, according to colleagues, and ultimately resorted to filing a grievance under the Equal Opportunity Program.

“Who am I to stand between a man-child and his god?” asked Gerald Housemann, inspector general for U.S. Fleet Cyber Command. “These determinations must be divined by powers greater than mine own.”

The resplendent paladin’s case is the latest in a flurry of efforts by the Navy to relax grooming standards, including permission for male and female sailors to wear their hair in man-buns and ponytails.

As the quest for unchecked religious equality presses on, Dietrich was spotted at medical seeking exemption from the Body Composition Assessment.

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