Soldiers patrolling in Flint, Michigan, or Mosul, Iraq, or Kabul, Afghanistan. We’re not totally sure.
THE PENTAGON — Troops headed overseas will soon be offered the most realistic combat training yet, as Pentagon officials announced late Friday that pre-deployment training would take place in Detroit and Chicago.
“We wanted to offer our soldiers and Marines realistic urban environments, a local populace that hates police and other government officials, and lots of gunfire,” said Lt. Col. Mike Hayes, an Army spokesman. “Hell, you hit more than those three if you walk in Flint, Michigan after dark.”
Pentagon sources confirmed that Detroit and Chicago offer much better training opportunities than built-up towns of conex boxes filled with actors playing Afghan insurgents.
“Instead, now we have an ultra-realistic city, bullets, and real gunshot wounds to soldiers who happen to roll into the wrong gang territory,” Hayes said. “Think of how much better our medics are going to be.”
In addition to gang retaliation and gunshot wounds, soldiers training at Detroit’s six-week infrastructure rebuilding and destabilizing course will learn to master providing electricity, water, and other basic services to the civilian populace while being stifled by realistic government corruption and mismanagement.
“I’m convinced that by the time these troops get overseas after training in these shitholes, Afghanistan will be a piece of cake,” Hayes said.
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