FT. BRAGG, N.C. – A non-commissioned officer serving in the U.S. Army’s ‘elite’ 82nd Airborne Division who has been described as alternatively as ‘playfully racist’, ‘zanily xenophobic’ or ‘agreeably antebellum’ by his fellow soldiers is actually intolerant of other ethnic groups, sources reported today.
Staff Sgt. Roberto ‘Robby’ Lee McCoy, a native of Pine Bluff, Arkansas, has apparently been making outrageously offensive comments to his fellow soldiers for several years now, who had all assumed he was “just kidding around.”
“You watch yourself there Midnight,” McCoy drawled to Private First Class James Franklin, who is an African-American. “That drinking fountain’s there for whites only. I got this here for you.”
“Roger that sergeant!” Franklin laughed hesitantly, walking past the bucket that McCoy had placed on the floor nearby labeled ‘Colords [sic] Only’. “Staff Sergeant just wants us to all know that we’re soldiers first and everything else second.” Franklin related to Duffel Blog, insisting that there is no possible way that Staff Sgt. McCoy is actually bigoted.
“[Staff Sgt.] McCoy is such a great joker,” explained Specialist Daniel Cho, who is of Korean descent. “He brought his dog into work one day and wouldn’t let me near it because he kept insisting I was going to run off and turn it into gaegogi.”
“I mean, it’s true! Koreans do eat dog,” Cho added. “He’s always yelling at me to wake up, and claiming that I’m always half-asleep on account of my eyes. Or he’ll randomly ask if I have any soy sauce on me. He’s just kidding though.”
But McCoy was not kidding at that time, or during any of the other hundreds of offensive encounters that he had with fellow soldiers of different ethnic backgrounds.
“The first day that I met Sgt. McCoy,” said 2nd Lt. Brian Hopkins, his platoon leader, “he was chalking ‘White Power’ on the sidewalk leading up to the office facility. I thought that he was doing some kind of unit motivation thing and didn’t think twice about it! I mean, our unit mascot is the G Co. Ghosts, and he had painted our mural and everything!”
The officer obliviously presented a large fresco on the wall depicting several members of the Ku Klux Klan in full regalia with a conspicuous slogan of “Ghosts Own the Darkies.”
“Isn’t it marvelous?” Hopkins asked.
“I was just standing around in the smoke pit with Hernandez and he [McCoy] came walking up telling us to cut the grass,” said Specialist Ricardo Garcia. “I tried to tell him that we have civilian contractors do that and he kept saying ‘Eh? No comprende English?’ So we just gave up and cut the grass. I mean, it’s totally something that would happen because of the sequester and everything. I guess that’s why he gets paid the big bucks.”
Speaking to Duffel Blog from his office, festooned with declarations of allegiance to the Confederate States of America and the tenets of national socialism, McCoy recounted a meeting with an equal opportunity officer. “I told her ‘this is my heritage, not hate,’ and then I went right back to braiding that there noose I made out of 550 cord.” Staff Sgt. McCoy gestured to a bottle of Aunt Jemina-brand syrup swinging from the ceiling by a length of rope.
At press time, sources confirmed that McCoy’s antics had been brought to the attention of his battalion commander, Lt. Col. Alvin ‘Boss’ Hogg. In response, the colonel chuckled around his cigar and said, “Oh, McCoy is a good old boy, he’ll come around eventually I’m sure.”
Duffel Blog Staff Writer G-Had contributed to this report.