KANDAHAR – The United States Air Force was forced to issue a formal apology for the offense caused by the parachuting of hundreds of Christmas hams onto assorted Pashtun tribes in the Hindu Kush, sources confirmed today.
“The 173rd Airlift Wing accepts full responsibility for this misguided effort to win hearts and minds in the wild, Taliban-controlled areas of Afghanistan,” explained Wing Commander Col. George Armer, speaking from his headquarters at Kandahar Air Base.
In an attempt to show the benevolence and generosity of the United States, Armer said, approximately 750 ornately decorated and honey-glazed hams were dropped at great expense into villages deemed “tactically significant.”
“Despite the assurances of my trustworthy Afghani counterpart and the friendly neighborhood sponsorship of Heavenly Hams™, the subsequent outburst of violence has proven my initial hypothesis incorrect,” said Col. Armer, who visibly flinched as a large explosion nearby shook the conference room.
Information released by the Dept. of Defense shows that outrage fueled by the porcine peace-offering has led to a spike in suicide bombings and an increase in side-splitting Taliban propaganda internet videos. The consumption of pork violates halal, a Muslim regulation that also forbids the imbibing of alcohol, personal grooming, societal advancement, and treating women like people.
While most villagers were upset by the airdrop of banned meats, some were angered much more by the interruption of their quiet time with local chai boys.
“Don’t these assholes have any idea we’re trying to partake in sacred Afghan rituals here,” said village elder Mohammed Omri Gul, while caressing and ogling at a seven-year-old boy pouring his tea.
The Air Force cites the widespread backlash for the postponement of their latest endeavor, the airdropping of thousands of almanacs featuring “Afghani Girls’ Ankles Gone Wild!” as an attempt to ease the backwards tribesmen into the Gregorian calendar and heterosexuality.
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