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Navy

Navy Town Celebrates Return Of Drunk-Driving, Bar-Fighting Miscreants

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NORFOLK, Va. — Waving flags and hoisting colorful hand-made signs, community members gathered today on Norfolk Naval Station to welcome home the men and women of the carrier USS Dwight D. Eisenhower, who tonight, sources say, will unquestionably get drunk, break stuff, and drive.

“We’re out here to let these patriots know how much we appreciate everything they do for us,” said local bartender Stan Donnelly, ecstatic for the returning business but unaware of the shattered clavicle he’ll receive later when he refuses to serve an already visibly intoxicated Quartermaster First Class Jacob Buntz.

The Eisenhower returns from eight months deployed to the U.S. Fifth and Sixth Fleet areas of responsibility with, according to its crew members, criminally few port calls and extremely limited access to alcohol – a fact sailors will reportedly point to tonight as license to get over-the-top shithoused and engage in reckless behavior with no regard whatsoever for their own or anyone else’s safety.

“I’m gonna get stupid,” affirmed Gunner’s Mate Second Class Brent Keller, manning the Ike’s rails in pristine service whites. “We’re talking pants-off, nuts-to-the-wall drunk.”

The most fun part, Keller says, will be discovering which hospital he wakes up in tomorrow morning; while the smart money is reportedly on Sentara General, the 24-year-old notes that he’s surprised himself before and could just as easily wind up on intravenous drip at Harbor View or St. Mary’s.

Yet these promised antics aren’t nearly enough to deter proud citizens like Beverly McQueen from showing her red, white, and blue colors on the pier. “Our heroes!” cheered the neighborhood grocer, who will likely spend the evening mopping up a sailor’s puke in aisle six by the bread.

"Can't wait to be run off the road by a hero," said one Norfolk motorist.

“Can’t wait to be run off the road by a hero,” said one Norfolk motorist.

“U-S-A! U-S-A!” chanted shoe repairman Reed Goodman, whose sixteen-year-old daughter Tracy will be the target of drunken cat calls for weeks and eventually, sources say, contract chlamydia from one of the very sailors her father will shake hands with this afternoon.

Proudest of all in the crowd today, though, are the family members who have spent the past eight months waiting for a loved sailor to come home.

“I get to hold my baby today,” gushed wife and mother-of-three Theresa Hemsworth, referring to the man who blew two hundred bucks on a Belarusian stripper in Marseilles three weeks back. “It’s gonna be love at first sight all over again, I just know it!”

While some have suggested the arduous deployment merits the Ike’s sailors one night of obliterating themselves into near-comas, military behavioral experts say Norfolk residents can expect the debauchery to continue for the indefinite time being.

“Sailors tend to lean on a return from deployment as justification for easily a month’s worth of repugnant tom-foolery,” said psychiatrist Dr. Ron Ornstein at the Navy hospital in Portsmouth, explaining that this wall-to-wall period of intoxication is immediately followed by several months of lying about how long the member has actually been home and then, finally, a transition to the mere fact of being a sailor as cause enough for audacious substance abuse and irresponsibility.

“Heck, even I’m still drinking off the Kennedy’s deployment of ’83!” Ornstein said, downing a tumbler of Russell’s Reserve.

At press time, the Census Bureau reported that, for all the sailors’ truly abhorrent vices, each and every lush on the whole damn Ike still knows more about service and sacrifice than your lazy ass.

Army

Troops deploy to Alamo for dramatic last stand against migrant caravan

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SAN ANTONIO, Texas — In response to rising border tensions, President Donald Trump has ordered the National Guard and some active duty units to defend the Alamo against the incoming migrant caravan.

“There is no way we are letting the Mexicans win this time,” said Trump of his 15,000-man force crammed into the five acre historic site 300 miles from the border.

The administration conceded that the centuries-old mission walls wouldn’t provide the ideal defense against the procession of bad hombres, but that it would “just have to do” until the great wall is erected.

“I thought it would be bigger,” the president allegedly whispered to Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Gen. Joseph Dunford, upon visiting the fort.

“It’s not so bad.” said Pvt. Jeffrey Crockett of the Tennessee National Guard. “We’ve got a nice view of downtown San Antonio and there’s even a Cheesecake Factory down the road!”

Two blocks away, the U.S. Navy has been ordered to conduct riverine patrols of the Historic San Antonio River Walk. The service has been tasked with maintaining control of the narrow, Disney Land-esque waterway against drug smugglers and drunk tourists alike.

“War is hell,” shouted an unidentified swift boat sailor, face painted like child at a carnival, cotton candy in one hand, an M-16 in the other, CCR’s “Fortunate Son” blaring from his iPhone speakers.

Trump has faced fierce criticism over his use of force and a supposedly unclear mission.

“This stunt is simply un-American, and I can’t stand for it,” said Nancy Pelosi, Democratic House minority leader, who has gone down to the border town of McAllen, Texas to meet the caravan with open arms and several thousand voter registration forms for the 2020 election.

“It is truly sickening what some people will do for their political agendas.”

At press time, Trump was feverishly planning his next move to secure our borders: setting up a Coast Guard flotilla to defend Lake Erie from the Canadians in the event they “try to pull a fast one like they did in 1812.”

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National Guard

Trump deploys National Guard to New York border to block Pete Davidson jokes

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HOBOKEN, N.J. — Members of the 444th Mobile Public Affairs Detachment (MPAD), 63rd Army Band, and Family Readiness Program deployed to Manhattan in support of Operation Blind Panderer, sources confirmed today.
President Donald Trump tweeted out a state of emergency after Saturday Night Live cast member Pete Davidson made a lame joke about Congressional candidate Dan Crenshaw’s eye patch, which he wears after losing his right eye to an IED as a U.S. Navy SEAL deployed to Afghanistan.
“Pete never saw a day of combat in his life,” Trump tweeted. “This Country’s great veterans are off limits as your props! I declare a State of Emergency! I’ll take a one-eyed SEAL over a two ‘butthole eyes’ comedian anyway! #MAGA!”
He then ordered a giant photo banner of Dan Crenshaw be hung outside Trump Tower in Midtown and asked Speaker of the House Paul Ryan if he could bump the midterm elections back a week for “national security” concerns.
A memo from New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy to the state’s Air National Guard leadership surfaced later that day requesting a roster of 200 personnel interested in going to see “Kinky Boots” on the federal government’s dime.
The only Guardsmen not currently deployed for hurricane relief efforts, border security or actual war were mobilized Sunday night for training on how to install concertina wire across the Holland and Lincoln Tunnels. An MPAD fire team advanced to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, SNL’s studio location, as a totally non-political show of force and resolved to block Davidson’s anti-veteran jokes.
Trump tweeted authorization for armed responses to any veteran-related jokes in the vicinity of Manhattan. Murphy downgraded the escalation of force options to passive aggressive shrugs. Band members are permitted to shake their instruments in a threatening manner, and artists stealing valor by wearing camouflage will be handled on a case-by-case basis.
“This is a tough situation all around. Dan Crenshaw is a war hero, so federal protection from jokes technically falls under National Guard jurisdiction,” said Murphy. “On the other hand, Pete Davidson lost his firefighter father on 9/11, which kinda started the war, or whatever.”
Duffel Blog reporter WT Door contributed to this article.
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Navy

Navy SEALs no longer allowed to wear blackface

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FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Special operators will no longer be allowed to wear black face paint after biting criticism from activist groups, sources confirmed today.

The move is aimed to stop the controversial practice of channeling one’s inner black dude before infiltrating a compound.

“We are not 100 percent woke, but this is a big step,” said Lt. Gen. Scott Howell, the current nominee to head Joint Special Operations Command. “We must stop perpetuating the stereotype that all black people are good at tactical operations.”

Recent studies show “blending in with the dark of night” to be a racist artifact of the past. SEALs will now be required to use inclusive rainbow patterns and biodegradable glitter.

“I never felt like I was being racist,” said Petty Officer 1st Class James Largo, “but I understand how cultural biases can find concealment in the covert corners of your mind.”

The changes, which go into effect next month, have support of allies and critics alike. Even hostile countries like Syria and Somalia are excited for the progressive step forward.

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Navy

‘Top Gun: Maverick’ filming halted after entire fleet of CGI F-35s grounded

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NORFOLK, Va. — Filming of the highly anticipated sequel to 1986 hit “Top Gun” was halted last week after the entire fleet of CGI F-35s was grounded, sources confirm today.

Top Gun: Maverick“, which began filming in mid-August aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, stars Tom Cruise returning to his iconic role as U.S. Naval aviator Pete “Maverick” Mitchell. The film is rumored to center around F-35s going head-to-head against unmanned enemy drones.

The movie’s director, Joe Kosinski, made the tough call to shut down filming while CGI experts could create a virtual Congressional oversight committee to raise digitized funds and lobby for a functional version of the troubled fighter jet in all 50 states.

“These things are nearly worthless,” said Kosinski. “I tasked the tech guys with creating a computer-generated, highly versatile aircraft that would make for an effective war-fighting platform depiction. They modeled it on the real-life F-35s, and the result has been disastrous.”

Kosinski was referring to two virtual incidents. The first occurred during a rehearsal run when a CGI F-35 malfunctioned on takeoff and crashed into a populated urban area theoretically killing 439 people.

The second mishap occurred shortly after filming began.

“Then, as soon as the cameras started rolling, one of the fictional CGI F-35s lost its thrusters and crashed into the ocean,” Kosinski said. “There wasn’t really a splash, though. Anyway, we finally decided to make the tough call to ground the entire fleet of all of the non-existent aircraft.”

Rumors of the F-35s’ failures had circulated early during production. An anonymous source previously predicted that production would likely be suspended, citing financial difficulties, delays on getting the non-existent aircraft airborne, and aircraft maintainers identified as Dental Cat 3 for virtual deployment.

“This film is going to crash and burn,” said Jerry Bruckheimer, who is producing the film. “We have wasted enough time and money on the CGI F-35s, and it would be insane to continue throwing good money after bad money.”

The CGI F-35s — along with the movie itself — have been in development for nearly 17 years. Despite the money and man-hours devoted to getting the jets into the air, they continue to be plagued by glitches, malfunctions, and complete failures.

The studio is currently looking into whether they should change course and return to the more reliable and cost effective better-performing CGI F-14s, based on the model of aircraft that easily defeated the CGI F-35s in recent air-to-air combat tests.

“Top Gun: Maverick” is scheduled to be released in July 2019.

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Coast Guard

Coast Guard saves lovable Navy SEAL tangled in net

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PANAMA CITY, Panama — A Virginia-based U.S. Coast Guard crew recently became a helping hand for an adorable sea creature needing help. The USCG Cutter Bear’s crew was on routine patrol in the eastern Pacific Ocean when they spotted a fully-grown Navy SEAL entangled in a mass of lines, garbage and abandoned GovX gear, sources confirmed today.

The Coast Guard was able to provide the SEAL a life ring and various ego-boosting complements in order to keep the entangled animal afloat. Petty Officer 3rd Class Walt Howell, who disentangled the SEAL, said the mission highlighted one of the reasons he joined the Coast Guard.

“You could see that it was in a lot of pain and needed help,” explained Howell. “Despite people approaching it from the boat, it wasn’t reacting because it seemed too insecure to do anything like tell cool stories or show off its tattoos. If it had been confident and able, it would have been able to break free with its hilarious diver knife or something.”

Cutter Bear Commanding Officer Capt. Tim Piper contacted multiple agencies for advice but animal experts had little expertise they could offer.

“It is a major concern of mine that when I phoned SEAL World, they simply told me that they are not prepared for helping such a creature,” Piper said. “Apparently, it wasn’t good at sliding on it’s belly or clapping. It just kept pointing its FN FAL rifle at the ship and asking for permission to fire.”

“I wonder whether NOAA would have taken more interest in this distressed animal had it been an adorable little dolphin,” Piper added.

The cutter transported the SEAL to Naval Amphibious Base Coronado, where it can take months to complete BUD/S, jump school, and a class where you learn how to balance a ball on your nose.

The SEAL will eventually be nursed back to health and begin his rough draft of the tell-all book he will inevitably write about this experience, according to a Navy spokesperson.

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Navy

STDs get tested for sailors

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PHUKET, Thailand — Sexually transmitted diseases have been racing to nearby clinics to get checked for sailors in an effort to curb a spate of recent outbreaks, sources confirmed today.

The outbreaks come after a group of U.S. Navy ships made a stop at a port in Thailand and released sailors out into the public, a move the local population views as nothing short of biological warfare.

“With no regard for public safety, the commanders saw fit to unleash a swarm of sailors out into the open air, knowing full well that they can easily spread,” said Bobby Khachatryan, a public health practitioner. “Have they no idea what sort of social stigmas STDs encounter when they catch a case of the squids?”

Local sexually transmitted diseases are canvassing the area, looking for fellow maladies who might have unwittingly come in contact with a sailor.

“You can never be too safe or get tested too early,” said a batch of chlamydia. “You don’t want any sailors sneaking up on you. They are nasty, fat and lazy — just gross. It’s also super embarrassing when others find out that you’ve contracted sailors.”

Reported cases of sailors had dwindled prior to the arrival of the ships. Public officials attributed the decline to sailor awareness, sailor prevention, and sailor avoidance.

“It seems the time of plummeting sailor cases is at an end,” Khachatryan said. “Now, we are in reactive mode, and the STDs have to be treated with medication and ointments while we try to contain the sailor outbreak. The public healthcare system is currently overburdened as most STDs are making a dash to the pecker-checker to get swabbed for ‘swabbies.’”

Not everyone is panicking, however. Gonorrhea, a local sexually transmitted infection, welcomes the sailors with arms wide open.

“I caught a grand total of four sailors back in the fifties. They aren’t anything to worry about, really – some squirting and oozing. They are nothing a good dose of penicillin can’t tackle,” gonorrhea said proudly. “Bring those men and women on!”

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Air Force

Pentagon worries that plunging morale might affect morale

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

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ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

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Air Force

Pentagon celebrates first successful F-35 crash in South Carolina

The downing of an F-35 out of Beaufort is yet another historic feat for the $115 million aircraft, officials said.

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f35 crash

BEAUFORT, S.C. — The Pentagon is hailing the first successful crash of an F-35 fighter in South Carolina, sources confirmed today.

Though officials cautioned that they were still hoping for a successful crash under combat conditions, the downing of an F-35 out of Marine Corps Air Station Beaufort is yet another historic feat for the $115 million aircraft, officials said.

The pilot ejected and was being evaluated by medical personnel and the F-35 program office for insight into whether officials could credit the pilot or Lockheed Martin for the aircraft hitting its most recent milestone. The crash came just one day after a different F-35B conducted its first combat strike in Afghanistan against an important enemy weapons cache of AK-47’s and RPG’s, costing the Pentagon only about $150,000 in spent munitions and aircraft flight hours.

“Just as the F-35 secretly outperformed the A-10 in a close air support role in the past, this aircraft has shown it is far better suited at crashing than the F-16,” said Lockheed Martin CEO Marillyn Hewson.

The crash was considered by the Marine Corps as a “total loss” of the aircraft. Military analysts have also used that language to describe the F-35 program’s budget.

The Pentagon intends to buy more than 2,400 of the jets at a cost of the military budgets of China and Russia combined, or $406 billion.

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