PYONGYANG — The government of North Korea announced today it had executed former NBA basketball star Dennis Rodman.
In an unusually strongly-worded release by North Korean standards, the reclusive state accused Rodman of being “despicable human scum” and “worse than a dog,” which is notable since dogs are generally treated better than people in North Korea.
The downfall for the flamboyant Rodman was stunning, given his friendship with Kim Jong Un, the chubby, pre-pubescent leader of North Korea. Rodman was accused of “hideous crimes such as attempting to overthrow the state by all sorts of intrigues and despicable methods with a wild ambition to grab the supreme power of our party and our state.”
Rodman reportedly beat Kim in a game of H.O.R.S.E. shortly before his execution, Duffel Blog has learned.
The human freakshow that was Rodman was accused at his trial of graft, gambling and womanizing, and his autobiography was reportedly admitted into evidence. Rodman’s confession apparently included the fact that Madonna was kind of “a dead lay.”
U.S. officials greeted the news with caution.
“If this is true,” said one senior State Department official, “it would be a positive sign for North Korea.”
“You just can’t be taken seriously if you’re going to hang out with Dennis Rodman,” the official added.
At press time, some wire reports were suggesting the “execution” was an elaborate coverup for Rodman’s abduction, in order to force him to star alongside Kim in a remake of “Double Team.”