TIMBUKTU, MALI — The chief accountant for the Al Qaeda terrorist organization says he’s starting to get “a bit worried” about his safety, sources confirmed today.
Murray Goldstein, 54, has taken care of the terror network’s finances for nearly five years, replacing its previous accountant who spontaneously combusted in Peshawar.
“It’s pretty hard doing what I do, but also very rewarding,” said Goldstein, in a telephone interview from his office in Mali. “But I’ve been getting this feeling lately like my coworkers don’t really like me that much.”
Far from a fly-by-night operation, Al Qaeda has been adamant about keeping its books in line, requiring operatives to keep receipts for everything they purchase: Rice, meat, explosive materials, and their extensive libraries of extreme hardcore goat porn.
“One of our Arabian Peninsula commanders sent me this receipt that was all handwritten and was barely legible for some AK-47s,” said Goldstein. “He was really sorry about it, but when I told him that it wasn’t kosher, his tone really seemed to change. It was a bit strange.”
Often the first person in the office, Goldstein is proud of his work-ethic and uncanny ability to spot errors in the accounting process.
“We’re international you see, so we’ve got all kinds of money going all different ways — Swiss bank accounts, investments in the Caymans, deposits coming from the Saudi royal family and the Bush library,” Goldstein said, as he pored over paperwork. “So when one of these schmucks decides to plotz because I’m asking them for the receipt for the materials for the bomb vest, Oy.”
Still, despite his dedication to the group’s business success, Goldstein is wondering about his long term job prospects.
“I don’t want to kvetsh all day here, but I asked my boss Mohammed for his expense reports last week, and while he did hand them over, he smiled and said ‘Ibn Sharmoot,'” Goldstein said, confused. “I’m not sure what that means but I hope it doesn’t affect my bonus.”
“I really hope I don’t get fired,” he added.