Study Finds 86% of Soldiers Spend Majority Of Career Standing Outside Connex

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Pentagon announced today the results of a surprising study revealing that up to 86 percent of active-duty soldiers spend the majority of their time-in-service standing outside of a shipping container.

“The outcome of this survey is clear,” said Pentagon spokesman Maj. Zachary Browneel, referring to the containers more commonly known in the Army as “connex” boxes. “We have discovered that the modern Army is thoroughly unprepared for deploying its soldiers to standing outside of a connex, with training for the activity only at two weeks a year.”

Browneel noted that the Army likely needs to completely revamp its Mission Essential Tasks in order to better train and prepare for the inevitability of standing outside of a connex. Despite the apparent consensus from the Army on the need for more rigorous online courses on standing outside of a connex, there are some contrary voices within the force.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Col. Mortimer Cochrane, who sits at a desk in a division headquarters with the vaporous job description of ‘SHARP OIC’. “Standing outside of a connex is a key warrior battle drill, but I fear the addition of more connex training will force us to sacrifice a couple thousand slides from our sexual assault prevention program.” 

A renewed effort on how soldiers can be more effective while standing outside a connex is likely to come in a matter of months, and would include a video featuring Army Command Sgt. Maj. Raymond Chandler screaming to get your “gosh-darn hands out of your pockets while standing outside the connex” for at least 60 minutes straight, Duffel Blog has learned.

Still, others disagree with the new training.

“SHARP [Sexual Harassment/Assault Response and Prevention] and connex standing-abouting both have to take a back seat to Equal Opportunity training,” said Col. John Tunis in disagreement with Col. Cochrane, as both men sought to prove that they were in fact not completely useless. “What if some of the things stacked in the back of the connex have been placed there because of their color? You have to consider that.”

At press time, the Pentagon has promised to fill 100 percent of a soldier’s online training with SHARP, equal opportunity, and Connex-Standing. Further, the new evaluation reports for officers and non-commissioned officers have been revised to include a mandatory bullet regarding whether or not the ratee has been conducive to unit connex standing around-ness training.