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Pentagon Shocked By Wave Of ‘Knockout Game’ Attacks

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Photo Credit: Erin A. Kirk-Cuomo/Dept. of Defense

PENTAGON — Another so-called “knockout attack” has shaken the halls of the Pentagon after a three-star admiral was beaten senseless and left unconscious in the “E” Ring.

Vice Admiral Martin “Marty” Plenio had just finished delivering his brief on “Net-Centric Environmentalism in Littoral Warfare” to the Defense Science Board when he was randomly approached by a still-unidentified Army captain.

After initially asking for an extra handout of his powerpoint presentation, the captain then viciously punched Plenio in the chest and escaped down a nearby corridor, screaming “Knockout, ladies and gentlemen!”

This came several hours after two lieutenant colonels violently assaulted an analyst from the Rand Corporation giving a presentation on “Electromagnetism in Counterinsurgency.”

While the Pentagon Force Protection Agency has refused to release any additional details, insiders say this marks the fifth attack in the last week and has left senior military and civilian leaders afraid to leave their offices, sending random expendable colonels on what used to be routine trips to the coffee shop.

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Martin Dempsey has suspended all briefs until further notice and advised senior Pentagon staff to travel in groups no smaller than six and avoid gangs of surly company-grade officers.

At first the attacks were dismissed as one of the many daily muggings that take place in the halls of the military complex, but officials began to suspect they might be rank-based hate crimes after a security guard observed a chief warrant officer being chased down an escalator by four majors carrying bats spiked with nails.

No one quite knows what has led to the attacks. Some analysts have blamed post-traumatic stress or budget cuts, while others have noted the time-honored military tradition of violent acts towards strangers.

Whispers in the cafeteria say they even have their own particular slang, and are commonly called ‘star-gazing’ (where the victim is a general officer) or ‘full bird-watching’.

There are also apparently some unwritten rules: no kicking, biting, scratching, or crushing testicles, unofficially agreed on after a failed attack on Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Micheal Barrett left all his assailants in the hospital.

PFPA has denied that these attacks are part of a new “game,” saying there are plenty of valid reasons why a group of company or field-grade officers might corner a larger officer and viciously attack him.

“You see this kind of behavior in the wild all the time among pack animals, like when several hyenas band together to take down a large gazelle,” says PFPA director and amateur zoologist Steven Calvery. “You can even see similar activity in this video of last week’s attack, where the alpha captain makes the other captains sniff at his crotch to prove his dominance and then urinates all over them.”

According to Pentagon chief historian Dr. Erin Mahan, speaking from behind a locked door, knockout attacks can be traced back to the late nineties, when Marine generals Charles Krulak and Anthony Zinni used to greet each other by punching each other as hard as they could in the face.

However the first person to turn ‘knockout’ into a game was former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who would routinely invite senior commanders into his office before pummeling them senseless with a golf club.

Dr. Mahan believes this is the most violent game to hit the Pentagon since a 2008 game of “Trust,” when Gen. Stanley McChrystal ultimately shot 15 people.

Army

Trump asks new secretary of defense to get Don Jr. job as an “Army guy”

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Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons

WASHINGTON —  President Donald Trump pulled aside Patrick Shanahan, the acting secretary of Defense, following a cabinet meeting to ask him about finding employment for Donald Trump Jr. as an “Army guy,” sources confirmed today.

“Pat, question for you,” the president began, “There’s my son, Don, you know him, Don Junior. He always wanted to be an Army guy when he was little. I mean, I think he did, I heard this from his nannies. They barely spoke English, so who knows? Anyway, so I thought, why don’t we get him a job as an Army guy?”

Sources report that Shanahan, who until the end of December had worked as the deputy under then-Secretary of Defense James Mattis, stood smiling politely as Trump continued explaining his request.

“He could be a great commander, a very, very powerful military leader,” said the president. “I’ve got a great eye for it — I went to a military prep school, it was just like the Army. So, I know what I’m talking about, and believe me, Don has what it takes.”

“So let’s make him a big shot,” Trump added. “Maybe not a general to start. He’s gotta work his way up. It’s the military. I understand, believe me. But start him at something higher than a colonel. Colonel sounds low, too low. Reminds me of Colonel Sanders. What about marshal? That’s a rank, right? Doesn’t matter, we’ll make it a rank.”

Continuing his unbroken monologue — during which Shanahan stopped smiling and began slowly rubbing his forehead — Trump also ruled out the possibility of commissioning his son in the other branches of the military.

“You might ask, what about the Navy? But no, we dressed Don and Eric up as sailors when they were kids, age 15 or so, and it was no good, they looked like sissies. Or Marines? But they’re the same as the Army, no difference, I can’t see much difference. Why don’t we merge them, by the way? Has anyone thought of that, merging the Marines and the Army? Would save a lot of money. Anyway. Air Force? No—Trumps don’t fly planes, we pay other people to fly so we can sit back with first-class service. Only the best service on my planes, believe me. Air Force One is decent, but it’s not the best, believe me, I’ve had the best.”

Sources confirm that Trump admitted this was not the first time he had made this request.

“I ran this by the guy who came before you [Secretary James Mattis], and I gotta say, he wasn’t thrilled,” the president said. “That’s part of why I fired him.”

“Because I did fire him,” Trump clarified. “He didn’t resign, I fired him after he gave me his letter of resignation. It was a firing.”

At the conclusion of their meeting, sources report, Shanahan told the president that his new duties were keeping him “quite busy.” He then suggested revisiting the president’s proposal on February 30th, and walked briskly out of the Oval Office before the president could look at a calendar.

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News

Entire military granted shaving profile following Gillette commercial

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WASHINGTON — The entire military was granted an emergency shaving profile days after Gillette released a new ad campaign inspired by the #MeToo movement, sources confirmed today.

The two-minute ad critiqued “toxic masculinity” and “the boys will be boys” attitude, which ignited a social media firestorm.

Millions of service members reported for duty with a distinctive five o’clock shadow, while fresh faced personnel were asked which brand of razor they used.

Pentagon spokesman Charles Summers responded to the change after reports of unshaven service members worldwide began to surface and reporters questioned if the move had signaled a boycott of Gillette.

“Toxic masculinity is a subject we take seriously,” said Summers while scratching his stubbled chin. “Granted, we are an organization with the sole purpose of killing people, but Gillette says we can do better. So, I guess we should stop shooting bad guys or something.”

Gillette representatives rushed to the Pentagon for an emergency meeting with senior leaders on how to stem the tide of toxic masculinity. After a detailed review of the commercial, Gillette suggested the following changes:

  • All forms of combatives, mixed martial arts and cardio kickboxing are forbidden by Defense Department personnel.
  • Service members can no longer watch outdated 1950s cartoons, sitcoms or rap music videos.
  • Barbecues are to be removed from all military facilities.
  • Service members will no longer be able to approach anybody in a public setting and ask them on a date. They are required to meet their significant others on dating sites or craigslist.
  • Mandatory training on how to avoid being catfished by a foreign agent or federal inmate.

After the meeting, the Pentagon issued a press release thanking Gillette for taking the time to educate its leaders on an important social issue.

At press time, the Dollar Shave Club was granted exclusive rights to supply AAFES PX’s worldwide.

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Marine Corps

Troops ask to live with Mattis after divorce is finalized

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WASHINGTON — Most troops caught in the middle of a domestic dispute that resulted in their father Jim Mattis filing for divorce say they hope they can live with him after this is all over, sources confirmed today.

Mattis filed for divorce from President Donald Trump last week, citing “irreconcilable differences” that stemmed from the cancellation of vacation plans in Syria, the president’s decision to send some of the kids to border school in October, and his well-known Diet Coke drinking problem.

“I love daddy Mattis more than anything in the entire world,” said Army Spc. Nick Kester. “He reads a book to me every night, while Trump isn’t even there at bedtime.”

Although some argue Trump has been “great with the kids” and truly cares about their welfare, a number of sources have come forward to allege the president has abused the troops he supposedly loves on a number of occasions.

Sources say Trump has not once visited them while they were away at The University of Iraq and Afghanistan. Some even believe he has been cheating on their dad with National Security Advisor John Bolton, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, or Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Troops were also angered by his erratic behavior and tendency to teach them far different life lessons than their favored parent.

“Mattis makes us do pushups and wants our family to be more lethal,” said Marine Lt. Philip Allison. “Meanwhile, when I asked Trump whether he’d like to throw the nuclear football around, he said, ‘oh sure, kid, just give me a few minutes,’ and then never came out.”

“Last time I talked with him all he kept telling me was how I was an idiot for paying anything over a 4% tax rate,” Allison added.

The couple heads to family court on Jan. 1, 2019, where a judge is expected to divide their $2.7 trillion in assets and set up a custody arrangement many believe will favor Mattis, who plans to visit with the kids often, teach them about the bullets and the bees, and put them through college on the GI Bill.

“I absolutely plan to bring up his use of community property to buy this stupid border wall that he found on Amazon,” Mattis said.

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Mattis appointed Ghost of Past, Present and Future Wars

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — James Mattis may have resigned from his position as the nation’s secretary of Defense on Thursday, but he won’t be out of work long.

Following his abrupt departure as President Donald Trump’s most experienced and knowledgeable foreign policy adviser, the former Marine Corps general announced today that he will be taking a role with the “Ghosts of Past, Present, and Future” (GPPF) organization, as the Ghost of Past, Present and Future Wars.

“I am excited to join the civilian workforce and continue to help our country prosper,” Mattis said. “For years, I have had a knack for keeping people up at night, and I think this is the perfect opportunity to really utilize that skill set.“

Mattis’ responsibilities will include haunting past and present cabinet members, pushing them to second guess any and all erratic, nonsensical and highly questionable foreign policy decisions, as well as advising future presidential candidates on how to actually improve international relations and military strategy, rather than destroying it.

“Jim will do an excellent job serving in this role, as he’s been haunting people both in real life and in their dreams, for many, many years,” said Ebeneezer Scrooge, a GPPF spokesman. “It’s alarming to me they would even let that kind of experience walk away. He’s got more brains than anybody in the White House.”

The GPPF’s prior work has mainly involved nostalgic, covert Christmas-related operations over the years, but the organization is planning to shift their focus to a more “diplomatic approach” in 2019.

“Obviously the Christmas season is a big time of year for our organization, and we excited to have Jim come on board and help us move in this new direction,” Scrooge said. “After the mess that has gone on the last week, it’s clear somebody has got to actually step up and make this country great again.”

Following his departure from the White House in February, Mattis will be sworn in as the fourth-ever Ghost of Past, Present and Future Wars, following the likes of other generational military leaders like Colin Powell, Donald Rumsfeld, and the esteemed Winston Churchill.

Scrooge could barely contain his excitement when talking about his new co-worker.

“He seemed pretty excited about working with competent leadership again,” said Scrooge. “He said meetings with his last boss were ‘beyond infuriating,’ whatever that is supposed to mean. I didn’t press him on the issue. Honestly, the guy scares the shit out of me.”

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Marine Corps

Mattis looking forward to ‘peaceful retirement’ spent firing Minigun out door of Huey

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mattis minigun

THE PENTAGON — After news broke that he would be resigning from his post in February 2019, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis told reporters he was looking forward to spending a “peaceful retirement” firing a GAU-17 Minigun out the door of a UH-1 Huey helicopter.

“Yup, I can’t wait to kick back with a relaxing 3 or 4 thousand rounds per minute every morning before PT,” said Mattis. “Much better than this boring bullshit here in D.C.”

Mattis served a storied career as a Marine general before moving into his role as Secretary of Defense, and sources within the Pentagon said that he still managed to fire a few hundred rounds every day at lunchtime “just to let off some steam.”

“Jim would regularly hump an 81mm mortar tube around the halls of the Pentagon because he said the weight helped keep his back aligned,” said Chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff Gen. Joseph Dunford.

“And he loved challenging all those little Air Force nerds to ground-fighting matches in the courtyard during his coffee break. They were always scared shitless.”

While he was admittedly emotional that he’d be leaving the military world behind after a nearly 50-year career, Mattis says he has plans to start a second career in the agricultural industry.

“Now that I’m retiring, I’ll finally have time to get out to the countryside and tend to my flock of A-10 Warthogs,” said Mattis. “Such serene and beautiful creatures.”

Danger Close contributed reporting.

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News

US quietly builds helipad on roof of embassy in Afghanistan

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Photo of average embassy in Kabul, Yemen or Saigon. (Source: State Dept.)

KABUL — The U.S. military has quietly built a helipad on the roof of its embassy in Afghanistan, sources confirmed today.

The pad was recently completed with no announcement made by either the State Department or the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan, which is scheduled to be the future tenant of the embassy in Nov. 2019 (It wasn’t clear whether the Emirate would occupy two or every single floor of the building, sources said).

Black & Tuber, an industrial services corporation headquartered in Islamabad, won the contract for the project, which required a helicopter landing pad that could handle the weight of hundreds of helicopter landings and thousands of terrified refugees. It completed in record time compared to others recently built in Yemen, South Sudan and Ukraine, officials said.

“They worked on it 24/7,” said one Marine Security Guard. “We had to escort the contractors around the clock, plus guard the suicide bomb vests we made them take off before each shift.”

When asked about the helipad by Duffel Blog, Ambassador John Bass claimed that it was a regularly-scheduled project.

“I wouldn’t read too much into that,” Bass said while taking a break from packing his suitcase. “We’ll continue to muddle along for decades into the future.”

The ambassador also noted improvements to the embassy such as a helipad were part of a long-running upgrade program. “For example,” he said, “we’ve recently purchased a pallet of ‘go bags’ for the staff to use on vacation, plus 20 stair climber workout machines. So there’s nothing to speak to here.”

The U.S. commitment to the troubled country’s internal security has been widely discussed among statesmen, defense leaders, and lance corporals masturbating in guard shacks long before incoming Central Command leader Lt. Gen. Kenneth McKenzie, Jr., told Congress that he doesn’t know how long it’s going to take until Afghan forces can defend their own country.

“McKenzie is basically saying that we’ll be there until the first Pakistan-supplied T-80 tank smashes through the front gate,” said Henry Kissinger, a former Secretary of State and 1980s-era disco party animal. “After that, it’s hells bells for the roof.”

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Air Force

North Pole warns of pilot shortage as reindeer leave for commercial sleighlines

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SANTA’S WORKSHOP — The North Pole is in the midst of a readiness crisis as it struggles to fill its pilot ranks with qualified reindeer, who are leaving the service in record numbers to work at commercial sleighlines, sources confirmed today.

Santa Claus claims he has only 75 percent of the deerpower he needs to deliver presents this year, especially in crucial heavy lift squadrons.

“This is truly alarming. There is no way I’ll be able to deliver presents to all the good girls and boys, let alone coal to all the naughty ones,” said Claus. “The reindeer we do have are being worked to the antler, flying three or four gumdrop sorties a day.”

Santa is offering hefty incentive bonuses to keep reindeer from leaving for more lucrative jobs at commercial sleighlines like Hoofthansa. But even offers of triple helpings of moss and herbs are not enough to keep them in the service. Unless he can fix the retention problem soon, Santa says he might have to cancel Christmas across large swaths of North and South America.

“We’re trying to do more with less, but the fact is that’s impossible,” said Lt. Col. Rudolph, commander of Red Squadron. “With this Op Tempo, my guys already refuse to fly over Detroit and Chicago. It’s just too dangerous.”

The average reindeer costs about $1 million and takes 3 years to train, according to North Pole figures. The North Pole needs to keep those ruminants in its ranks past their initial commitment to maximize return on its investment.

“Not only are large numbers of reindeer getting out, our best reindeer are getting out,” said Rudolph. “Donner and Blitzen dropped papers last week, and Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen all took private jobs at Doeing testing unmanned sleighs.”

While Claus increasingly has been filling the ranks with unmanned aerial sleighs (UASs), turnover among the elves who pilot them has also been an issue.

“These UAS pilots are always on the clock, delivering presents to hundreds of houses an hour from thousands of miles away,” he said. “Nobody can handle that much Christmas cheer. Nobody.”

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Air Force

Space Force now soliciting uniform concepts from industry

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Two months ago, President Donald Trump announced the creation of a new branch of military service within the Department of Defense, the U.S. Space Force. A recently released Pentagon report revealed that, almost immediately after the President’s announcement, a Pentagon official named Mr. James Fortran deployed to various locations within the U.S. in an attempt to find an answer to the question that what was cited as “the Space Force’s most significant hurdle in its long road to activation:”

“What will the uniforms look like?”

The report details that Fortran was first sent to California to meet with interested uniform suppliers. Bored by extraordinarily simple suggestions like “let’s make human exosuits with built-in jetpacks” or cost-effective, nonsensical ideas such as “just keep the same design as the rest of the military, you idiot,” Fortran decided to head to the San Francisco Comic Con event for inspiration.

The images featured above represent a portion of Fortran’s portfolio, which he submitted to the Pentagon at the conclusion of his trip. Published transcripts from his presentation cite him as commenting that “they’re perfect… look at how eccentric, robust, and forward-thinking these designs are! When Americans think of space marines, this is what they will picture in their minds.”

Fortran’s portfolio also mentions a meeting with Bungie, the creators of the Halo gaming universe. Details from this meeting were unfortunately classified, but Fortran was cited as stating that the meeting went “very, very well” and that the ensuing discussion was “very, very promising” in the presentation’s transcripts.

Fortran has returned to the Pentagon, where a series of meetings are currently underway to evaluate his findings. The Pentagon declined to comment on any specifics relating to the consideration of Fortran’s uniform findings. However, inside sources revealed that Captain Charles Bunkley of the United States Navy, who led the introduction of the blue type 1 working uniform made to have sailors blend in with the ocean, suggested a black uniform imprinted with various constellations, nebulas, and galaxies. It appears as if this idea is also being seriously considered.

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