CAMP LEJEUNE, NC — An entire rifle squad which has converted to Asatru, or Northern European Heathenry, has expressed disappointment in new Pentagon dress code requirements, claiming religious exemptions to military uniform standards are not inclusive enough.
The Asatru devotees complain they are not allowed to wear their religious clothing in uniform unlike Sikh, Muslim, and Jewish members. Focused on historical Norse paganism, the Marines want to affix horns and wings on their helmets in order to accommodate individual expression of their beliefs.
“It’s the only way Valkyrie can identify the Kindred if we fall righteously in battle,” said Sgt. Bram Gunbjorn, who serves as both squad leader and gothi (priest) of his squad of housescarls, otherwise known as 3rd Squad, Second Platoon, Charlie Company.
The squad believes upon their worthy death in combat, the Valkyrie will lead them to Valhalla, the mythological hall presided over by Odin, the Allfather.
“I think these clowns have been reading too many comic books,” said battalion Sgt. Maj. Mike Brooks. “There’s no actual historical evidence Vikings or any Northern European groups wore that garbage into battle.”
Soon after the sergeant major made this statement, the horrified Marines submitted a complaint to their Equal Opportunity Officer on the grounds of religious intolerance.
“We’ve already faced oppression from the Spartan lovers in 1st Platoon,” said Gunbjorn. “All they do is spear each other in the shower, and obsess over their abs. They’re godless swine. We’re seriously trying to prepare for Ragnarok and aid the Allfather against the scourge of the Jotnar.”
The squad of pagans recently caused quite a stir when they captured and enslaved members from a rival platoon during a field exercise. Enthralling them in accordance with the rune carved upon the Turinge Stone, they forced the captured Marines to field day their barracks rooms and police call the parking lot.
Further, Sgt. Gunbjorn and his squad are under investigation after dismembered remains of the battalion commander’s miniature poodle was found near the barracks. Navy investigators suspect the animal was ritually sacrificed in a macabre blot ceremony. The investigation continues despite an offering of $50 in weregild left in the battalion commanders office.
“This is why we’re concerned about the new uniform policy, ” said Gunbjorn as he was gluing bull horns onto his kevlar helmet. “It does little to protect us from the whims of our commanders making it impossible for minority religious groups like ours to exercise spiritual liberties without any fear of recrimination.”
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.