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Navy

It’s A Delicate Balance Being Somebody’s Mentor And Fuck Buddy

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Navy mentoring

By Boatswain’s Mate 1st Class Sam Ojeda, USS Carl Vinson (CVN 70) Deck Department

The old saying “always be training your replacement” has never been more important than in today’s cash-strapped Navy, which is why the sea service’s vast mentoring program is so vital to force readiness.

And after having been a mentor to at least a dozen junior Sailors over the past few years, I can tell you there’s nothing more rewarding than taking an eager protégé (or “mentee”) under your wing, passing your skills down to that Sailor, and then watching her go on to achieve great things.

But I’ve also found that you need to be cautious in those situations where you’re not only mentoring a young Sailor but also having sex with her on a regular basis, because the line between mentor and fuck buddy can get blurred real fast.

Simply put, there are just some things that are appropriate to do —  and have done to you — as a mentor that just wouldn’t be appropriate as a fuck buddy, and vice versa.

For example, a big part of mentoring my current protégé, BM3 Keebler, involves me instructing her on the finer points of seamanship. With knot tying, for instance, I’ll show Keebler how to tie an advanced knot, she’ll attempt to tie it a few times herself, and then I’ll give her feedback on how she’s doing. This is a simple but surefire method that’s proven time and again to be an effective learning tool.

But as it turns out, it isn’t a good tool to use whenever Keebler and I are both butt naked and smashing pelvis in the second deck fan room, because me constantly correcting her form and technique during sex just makes her start crying and saying I remind her of her uncle.

See, that’s the kind of thing that happens when you forget to take your “mentoring cap” off — with your coveralls, boots and skivvies — and put your “fuck buddy cap” on.

To counter such mishaps, having good lines of communication with whatever Sailor you’re mentoring and fucking is also important. Be aware, however, that the type of communication you use should be different depending on whether you’re acting as mentor or ass-tapper.

Like, when I’m mentoring Keebler on the job, I’m always very direct when speaking to her, and she knows I can be harsh when correcting her deficiencies, just as I am with all my Sailors. Life at sea is dangerous work, and there’s no time to treat people with kid gloves.

As Keebler’s fuck buddy, though, I tend to be much more laid back in our conversations, and usually I just let her do all the talking. In fact, after sex during any of our typical weekend rendezvous at the Super 8 in Imperial Beach, I’ll usually just lay there watching  the Ice Road Truckers marathon as Keebler goes on and on with this crazy fantasy of hers where I leave my wife and kids so we can get married and start our own family, or whatever.

It’s actually pretty silly, but I always play along because I figure it’s just Keebler’s overactive 22-year-old imagination getting the best of her.

Plus, it’s always important to be supportive of your junior Sailors. Be it as a mentor, as a boss, or as some discreet dick on the side.

Write that down.

Now, much like good communication, having a strong bond of trust with your subordinates is also key to maintaining the balance between mentor and fuck buddy. And much like the other junior-ranking females I’ve worked so hard to guide, lead, counsel and fuck, Keebler knows that she can always trust me to sign off on her gundecked maintenance logs, to keep her off the watch bill, and to make sure she never gets stuck having to lift boxes during a working party.

And in return, I know I can trust Keebler to never, ever inform the chain of command or my family about our special relationship, and to always be waiting naked for me with a bottle of peanut oil in the empty overflow berthing after I get done emailing that very same wife and kids of mine.

I also trust her to never stay pregnant for very long.

By day’s end, being both a mentor and a fuck buddy to the same person isn’t always easy. But like I said, it can be very rewarding, and I plan on keeping Keebler around as my mentee and fuck buddy for the foreseeable future … That is, unless I get promoted to chief next year.

If that happens, then it’ll be time to cut Keebler loose and move on to porking other chiefs’ wives.

Ted Heller is just here to report the news and (on occasion) to relay an opinion piece from a guest author to this site's editors. Instead of hating on Ted, you should really focus your hate on the evil doers.

Air Force

Air Force can’t figure out why sailor would spend $1,280 on tattoo

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WASHINGTON — A visibly annoyed Air Force called a sailor’s decision to pay for a full-sleeve tattoo financially irresponsible, adding with just a hint of disdain that this sort of extravagant spending is to blame for the Defense Department’s slew of budgetary woes, sources confirmed today.

“One thousand, two hundred and eighty dollars for some body art?” scoffed Air Force. “What a waste! Think of all the golf balls you could buy.”

“At least two, maybe three,” the fiscally-sensible service surmised. “Certainly no more than three.”

The Air Force’s steadfast reputation among the military for doing more with less is rooted in its proud history of battling fraud, waste and abuse.

The sailor in question, Intelligence Specialist 1st Class Michael Parker, recently had the finishing touches added to an intricate sprawl of nautically-themed tattoos covering the entirety of his right arm.

“A poor mistake like that [tattoo] isn’t some simple mulligan,” said Air Force. “Just think, if you saved $1,280 every year for 20 years, you’d be able to buy yourself a decent, middle-of-the-road nine-iron and be ready for retirement.”

Parker, 28, has been gradually adding tattoos to his arm over the past three years so as to not “break the bank.”

The Air Force expressed worry at the American public’s response to what it views as fiscal waste.

“You know, I hate to be ‘that branch,’” the responsible steward of taxpayer monies said, “but these sorts of things really make me question the professionalism of our sister services.”

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Army

Troops deploy to Alamo for dramatic last stand against migrant caravan

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SAN ANTONIO, Texas — In response to rising border tensions, President Donald Trump has ordered the National Guard and some active duty units to defend the Alamo against the incoming migrant caravan.

“There is no way we are letting the Mexicans win this time,” said Trump of his 15,000-man force crammed into the five acre historic site 300 miles from the border.

The administration conceded that the centuries-old mission walls wouldn’t provide the ideal defense against the procession of bad hombres, but that it would “just have to do” until the great wall is erected.

“I thought it would be bigger,” the president allegedly whispered to Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Gen. Joseph Dunford, upon visiting the fort.

“It’s not so bad.” said Pvt. Jeffrey Crockett of the Tennessee National Guard. “We’ve got a nice view of downtown San Antonio and there’s even a Cheesecake Factory down the road!”

Two blocks away, the U.S. Navy has been ordered to conduct riverine patrols of the Historic San Antonio River Walk. The service has been tasked with maintaining control of the narrow, Disney Land-esque waterway against drug smugglers and drunk tourists alike.

“War is hell,” shouted an unidentified swift boat sailor, face painted like child at a carnival, cotton candy in one hand, an M-16 in the other, CCR’s “Fortunate Son” blaring from his iPhone speakers.

Trump has faced fierce criticism over his use of force and a supposedly unclear mission.

“This stunt is simply un-American, and I can’t stand for it,” said Nancy Pelosi, Democratic House minority leader, who has gone down to the border town of McAllen, Texas to meet the caravan with open arms and several thousand voter registration forms for the 2020 election.

“It is truly sickening what some people will do for their political agendas.”

At press time, Trump was feverishly planning his next move to secure our borders: setting up a Coast Guard flotilla to defend Lake Erie from the Canadians in the event they “try to pull a fast one like they did in 1812.”

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National Guard

Trump deploys National Guard to New York border to block Pete Davidson jokes

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HOBOKEN, N.J. — Members of the 444th Mobile Public Affairs Detachment (MPAD), 63rd Army Band, and Family Readiness Program deployed to Manhattan in support of Operation Blind Panderer, sources confirmed today.
President Donald Trump tweeted out a state of emergency after Saturday Night Live cast member Pete Davidson made a lame joke about Congressional candidate Dan Crenshaw’s eye patch, which he wears after losing his right eye to an IED as a U.S. Navy SEAL deployed to Afghanistan.
“Pete never saw a day of combat in his life,” Trump tweeted. “This Country’s great veterans are off limits as your props! I declare a State of Emergency! I’ll take a one-eyed SEAL over a two ‘butthole eyes’ comedian anyway! #MAGA!”
He then ordered a giant photo banner of Dan Crenshaw be hung outside Trump Tower in Midtown and asked Speaker of the House Paul Ryan if he could bump the midterm elections back a week for “national security” concerns.
A memo from New Jersey Gov. Phil Murphy to the state’s Air National Guard leadership surfaced later that day requesting a roster of 200 personnel interested in going to see “Kinky Boots” on the federal government’s dime.
The only Guardsmen not currently deployed for hurricane relief efforts, border security or actual war were mobilized Sunday night for training on how to install concertina wire across the Holland and Lincoln Tunnels. An MPAD fire team advanced to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, SNL’s studio location, as a totally non-political show of force and resolved to block Davidson’s anti-veteran jokes.
Trump tweeted authorization for armed responses to any veteran-related jokes in the vicinity of Manhattan. Murphy downgraded the escalation of force options to passive aggressive shrugs. Band members are permitted to shake their instruments in a threatening manner, and artists stealing valor by wearing camouflage will be handled on a case-by-case basis.
“This is a tough situation all around. Dan Crenshaw is a war hero, so federal protection from jokes technically falls under National Guard jurisdiction,” said Murphy. “On the other hand, Pete Davidson lost his firefighter father on 9/11, which kinda started the war, or whatever.”
Duffel Blog reporter WT Door contributed to this article.
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Navy

Navy SEALs no longer allowed to wear blackface

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FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Special operators will no longer be allowed to wear black face paint after biting criticism from activist groups, sources confirmed today.

The move is aimed to stop the controversial practice of channeling one’s inner black dude before infiltrating a compound.

“We are not 100 percent woke, but this is a big step,” said Lt. Gen. Scott Howell, the current nominee to head Joint Special Operations Command. “We must stop perpetuating the stereotype that all black people are good at tactical operations.”

Recent studies show “blending in with the dark of night” to be a racist artifact of the past. SEALs will now be required to use inclusive rainbow patterns and biodegradable glitter.

“I never felt like I was being racist,” said Petty Officer 1st Class James Largo, “but I understand how cultural biases can find concealment in the covert corners of your mind.”

The changes, which go into effect next month, have support of allies and critics alike. Even hostile countries like Syria and Somalia are excited for the progressive step forward.

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Navy

‘Top Gun: Maverick’ filming halted after entire fleet of CGI F-35s grounded

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NORFOLK, Va. — Filming of the highly anticipated sequel to 1986 hit “Top Gun” was halted last week after the entire fleet of CGI F-35s was grounded, sources confirm today.

Top Gun: Maverick“, which began filming in mid-August aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, stars Tom Cruise returning to his iconic role as U.S. Naval aviator Pete “Maverick” Mitchell. The film is rumored to center around F-35s going head-to-head against unmanned enemy drones.

The movie’s director, Joe Kosinski, made the tough call to shut down filming while CGI experts could create a virtual Congressional oversight committee to raise digitized funds and lobby for a functional version of the troubled fighter jet in all 50 states.

“These things are nearly worthless,” said Kosinski. “I tasked the tech guys with creating a computer-generated, highly versatile aircraft that would make for an effective war-fighting platform depiction. They modeled it on the real-life F-35s, and the result has been disastrous.”

Kosinski was referring to two virtual incidents. The first occurred during a rehearsal run when a CGI F-35 malfunctioned on takeoff and crashed into a populated urban area theoretically killing 439 people.

The second mishap occurred shortly after filming began.

“Then, as soon as the cameras started rolling, one of the fictional CGI F-35s lost its thrusters and crashed into the ocean,” Kosinski said. “There wasn’t really a splash, though. Anyway, we finally decided to make the tough call to ground the entire fleet of all of the non-existent aircraft.”

Rumors of the F-35s’ failures had circulated early during production. An anonymous source previously predicted that production would likely be suspended, citing financial difficulties, delays on getting the non-existent aircraft airborne, and aircraft maintainers identified as Dental Cat 3 for virtual deployment.

“This film is going to crash and burn,” said Jerry Bruckheimer, who is producing the film. “We have wasted enough time and money on the CGI F-35s, and it would be insane to continue throwing good money after bad money.”

The CGI F-35s — along with the movie itself — have been in development for nearly 17 years. Despite the money and man-hours devoted to getting the jets into the air, they continue to be plagued by glitches, malfunctions, and complete failures.

The studio is currently looking into whether they should change course and return to the more reliable and cost effective better-performing CGI F-14s, based on the model of aircraft that easily defeated the CGI F-35s in recent air-to-air combat tests.

“Top Gun: Maverick” is scheduled to be released in July 2019.

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Coast Guard

Coast Guard saves lovable Navy SEAL tangled in net

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PANAMA CITY, Panama — A Virginia-based U.S. Coast Guard crew recently became a helping hand for an adorable sea creature needing help. The USCG Cutter Bear’s crew was on routine patrol in the eastern Pacific Ocean when they spotted a fully-grown Navy SEAL entangled in a mass of lines, garbage and abandoned GovX gear, sources confirmed today.

The Coast Guard was able to provide the SEAL a life ring and various ego-boosting complements in order to keep the entangled animal afloat. Petty Officer 3rd Class Walt Howell, who disentangled the SEAL, said the mission highlighted one of the reasons he joined the Coast Guard.

“You could see that it was in a lot of pain and needed help,” explained Howell. “Despite people approaching it from the boat, it wasn’t reacting because it seemed too insecure to do anything like tell cool stories or show off its tattoos. If it had been confident and able, it would have been able to break free with its hilarious diver knife or something.”

Cutter Bear Commanding Officer Capt. Tim Piper contacted multiple agencies for advice but animal experts had little expertise they could offer.

“It is a major concern of mine that when I phoned SEAL World, they simply told me that they are not prepared for helping such a creature,” Piper said. “Apparently, it wasn’t good at sliding on it’s belly or clapping. It just kept pointing its FN FAL rifle at the ship and asking for permission to fire.”

“I wonder whether NOAA would have taken more interest in this distressed animal had it been an adorable little dolphin,” Piper added.

The cutter transported the SEAL to Naval Amphibious Base Coronado, where it can take months to complete BUD/S, jump school, and a class where you learn how to balance a ball on your nose.

The SEAL will eventually be nursed back to health and begin his rough draft of the tell-all book he will inevitably write about this experience, according to a Navy spokesperson.

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Navy

STDs get tested for sailors

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PHUKET, Thailand — Sexually transmitted diseases have been racing to nearby clinics to get checked for sailors in an effort to curb a spate of recent outbreaks, sources confirmed today.

The outbreaks come after a group of U.S. Navy ships made a stop at a port in Thailand and released sailors out into the public, a move the local population views as nothing short of biological warfare.

“With no regard for public safety, the commanders saw fit to unleash a swarm of sailors out into the open air, knowing full well that they can easily spread,” said Bobby Khachatryan, a public health practitioner. “Have they no idea what sort of social stigmas STDs encounter when they catch a case of the squids?”

Local sexually transmitted diseases are canvassing the area, looking for fellow maladies who might have unwittingly come in contact with a sailor.

“You can never be too safe or get tested too early,” said a batch of chlamydia. “You don’t want any sailors sneaking up on you. They are nasty, fat and lazy — just gross. It’s also super embarrassing when others find out that you’ve contracted sailors.”

Reported cases of sailors had dwindled prior to the arrival of the ships. Public officials attributed the decline to sailor awareness, sailor prevention, and sailor avoidance.

“It seems the time of plummeting sailor cases is at an end,” Khachatryan said. “Now, we are in reactive mode, and the STDs have to be treated with medication and ointments while we try to contain the sailor outbreak. The public healthcare system is currently overburdened as most STDs are making a dash to the pecker-checker to get swabbed for ‘swabbies.’”

Not everyone is panicking, however. Gonorrhea, a local sexually transmitted infection, welcomes the sailors with arms wide open.

“I caught a grand total of four sailors back in the fifties. They aren’t anything to worry about, really – some squirting and oozing. They are nothing a good dose of penicillin can’t tackle,” gonorrhea said proudly. “Bring those men and women on!”

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Air Force

Pentagon worries that plunging morale might affect morale

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

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ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

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