Smallest Guy In Infantry Platoon ‘Really Excited’ To Be Humping The 240


marines hiking

AFGHANISTAN — The smallest guy in his infantry platoon is extremely honored to be humping the M240 machine-gun everywhere he goes in Afghanistan, sources confirmed today.

Lance Cpl. Joseph Nickerson, 20, confirmed to Duffel Blog reporters that his small 4-ft, 11-inch frame is built perfectly for hiking the 7.62mm weapon which weighs more than 25 pounds.

“My short legs and small build really are the best platform for hauling around this weapon. Much better than Haines over there,” said Nickerson, who motioned towards Cpl. Ronald Haines, a bulky 6-ft, 7-inch machine gunner who bench presses 450 pounds in the gym.

Pentagon officials are keeping a close eye on Nickerson and his amazing powers, which are derived from being scrawny and short, Duffel Blog has learned.

“Nickerson’s platoon commander tells me that he’s absolutely the best man for the job,” said Lt. Col. William Benning, the battalion commander. “And he was personally chosen to carry that weapons system for his amazing abilities.”

At press time, Nickerson was seen roughly one mile behind the last man in the patrol.


Paul Sharpe

Paul is a former Marine grunt with eight years of experience — specializing in snapping necks and cashing checks. He enjoys blowing things up, making people laugh, and hardcore gangster rap music.
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