LEESVILLE, WV – Officials are scrambling for answers after a West Virginia National Guard captain was revealed to be in an inappropriate relationship with his wife, who sources confirmed was not a blood relative.
Thousands of sickened citizens have taken to the streets in protest to express their disgust at the revelation that Capt. John Olsen has been in a sexual relationship with a woman who, in fact, is not even a distant cousin or even a step-sister.
Olsen, a battalion staff officer who moved to the state last year after his release from active duty, reportedly brought along his wife of five years, Stacy Olsen, whom he married soon after his graduation from the United States Military Academy. The discovery that his wife was not his sister and in fact, bears no discernible family relation to him at all has sent shockwaves throughout the state.
“We demand the immediate removal of this here Olsen from his position,” said Obadiah McCoy, who heads the Occupy Your Cousin movement, brandishing a double-barreled shotgun that he repeatedly referred to as his ‘dadgone picket sign. “Such behavior is abhorrent to all true sons of the Appalachians!”
Acting swiftly in response to the virulent public outcry, the office of Gen. Jeremiah McCoy, commanding general of the guard, and Gov. Micah McCoy issued a joint statement saying, “Capt. Olsen’s behavior is out of line with and does not represent the West Virginian values that it is his duty to uphold and will be investigated thoroughly.”
Email inquiries by Duffel Blog to the Governor’s office resulted in an automated email response directing callers to the website of West Virgina law S.29-4312 Section A, which prohibits all sexual intercourse between members of the opposite sex not first cousin or closer.