THE PENTAGON — The parent company of the popular Budweiser beer brand announced Monday it had reached a deal with military officials to acquire the naming rights to Arlington National Cemetery, sources confirmed.
Although the dollar amount was not disclosed, a spokesperson for inBev/Anheuser-Busch told reporters that the nation’s most hallowed resting grounds would now be known as “Anheuser-Busch National Cemetery at Arlington.”
In a statement, released in French from the company’s headquarters in Belgium, inBev noted that, “Anheuser-Busch and dead soldiers are both quintessentially American icons, and the synergy of mixing them for all eternity was totally obvious.”
In addition to the cemetery’s name change, several smaller deals and promotions were also included. President Kennedy’s “Eternal Flame” would be replaced with the “Budweiser Eternal Keg” because “JFK really liked to party,” as spokesman Jean LaEfite indicated through a translator. (Officials declined to comment on a report that they were looking to move Marilyn Monroe’s body to ABNC next to the former president.)
Further, The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier would now include the company’s non-alcoholic beer brand, O’Doul’s.
“We think the ‘O’Doul’s Tomb of the Unknown Soldier’ appropriately captures the struggles many soldiers have with alcohol—often anonymously,” said LaEfite. “By offering them a non-alcoholic way out, we are saying ‘You don’t have to wind up a John Doe in a morgue, nor do you have to be a loser and skip the party.”
New signs on major paths will tastefully suggest to funeral goers and loved ones, “You’ve committed your loved one to the earth. Why not toast their ascent to heaven at the Michelob Pavilion, located adjacent to the Civil War section?”
Finally, the Caisson Platoon will now feature the Budweiser Clydesdale Horses and a beer wagon, “Giving many veterans the sendoff they’d want,” according to LaEfite.
Members of the press office and staffers from the Joint Chiefs could not be reached for comment, as they were still “sleeping off” their “surprise trip” to last weekend’s Super Bowl and a mixer with new spokesmodel Lt. Chad Teste.