THE PENTAGON — Gen. James Amos, Commandant of the Marine Corps, is currently pacing up and down the halls of The Pentagon, sweating visibly and muttering to himself, sources told Duffel Blog reporters today. Apparently worried about the results of his pending Career Designation Board, Amos has reached out to his vast personal support group of nearly four “friends,” widely considered the best term for people who can still read his name in print without scowling or swearing loudly.
“My Jimmy called me this morning at about nine,” revealed one such acquaintance, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear for her reputation. “He was fussin’ and cursing up a storm about, ‘Toxic Leadership this’ and ‘Improper Command Influence’ that. So I tried to help calm him down.”
“I offered to read him his favorite bedtime story, which has worked ever since he was my darling little ‘Baby Blue Falcon.’ But he just kept going on and on about how worried he was about this test for the Marines. My Jimmy’s a Marine, don’t you know.”
Suddenly glancing around nervously, the anonymous source asked once more, “you’re not going to use my name, right? It’s just that I can’t be associated with him.”
Career Designation, according to Marine Corps, is “a force-shaping tool” that ensures Marines retain the best company-grade officers by firing half of them. The program was established in 2011, making this Amos’ first Career Designation, having recently hit the requisite post-MOS waiting period. Amos graduated at the bottom of his class in Commandant’s School in 2010.
As Commandant of the Marine Corps, Amos is no stranger to controversy: First, opposing the repeal of the military’s infamous “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, and shortly afterward, proposing a repeal of the Corps’ popular “Every Marine a Rifleman” policy. Amos — only a “Sharpshooter” on the M-16/M-4 rifle, though rated an “Expert” with the Green Weenie — prominently called the policy “discriminatory against Marines who never have to use rifles,” prompting immediate backlash from both infantrymen and support personnel who had previously engaged the enemies of the United States in close combat.
Col. Elizabeth M. Jessup, a decorated combat veteran of the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and most significantly, the School of Infantry, gleefully revealed that she can’t wait to see the Commandant’s Career Designation results.
“He’s running around the Pentagon right now, like he’s taking fire or something. Ask anyone, they’ll tell you he’s got a big fat ‘UNSAT’ coming down the pipeline. First that incident in the PX with the Marine Corps Times, then that time when he tried to fire all his subordinates. It’s as if he ordered his own ‘Code Red’ on himself.”
Jessup, who also holds the record for being the first female Marine to complete the O-course while smoking a cigar, went on to speculate, “I bet he freaks out when he gets his results. Guys like him? They can’t handle the truth — and the truth is, we’ve separated better officers than him through Career Designation.”
At press time, Amos was reportedly overheard attempting to fire his Career Designation board members while scanning job search engines for immediate-hire openings.