Ask A Needlessly Complex Army Flowchart

Dear Needlessly Complex Army Flowchart,

I’m moving to Fort Hood with my wife, and I’m concerned about housing. I understand that living in married housing is probably the financially responsible decision, but my wife and I are willing to take a hit in the pocket book for something a bit nicer. We are a younger couple, and this will be our first real place together. That being said, I’m a bit concerned of unscrupulous property managers which might take advantage of us. What should we do?

— Home is where the Kevlar is.

Dear Home is where the Kevlar is,


Dear Needlessly Complex Army Flowchart,

I’m expecting a baby in May, and I have yet to pick a color for our new nursery. My husband is no help with the matter (not that I trust his taste in decorating either way :D). I’m torn between a traditional blue/pink approach and a more modern neutral color. I know this sounds silly, but is it really acceptable to just go with green or yellow?

— Having a Silly Quandary at Fort Carson.

Dear Having a Silly Quandary at Fort Carson,



Dear Needlessly Complex Army Flowchart,

I’m a short timer with only about 2 years left until I can retire. Yet, because of the Army’s reshaping, I’m starting to get a bit worried. I love my country, and I have very much enjoyed serving. Can the Army really force me out with partial retirement?  This seems a bit far-fetched, but the rumor mill is a buzz. Just wondering if you could shed some light on this situation.

— Trepidations and temptations

Dear Trepidations and temptations,



Dear Needlessly Complex Army Flowchart,

Oh My God! They’re coming from all around! The perimeter has been breached. Herbert’s SAW went quiet ten minutes ago. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck, that means no one is covering his field of fire. I can hear their goddamned Haj-speak all around. They’re everywhere!

— In a Bind in Afghanistan

Dear In a Bind in Afghanistan,

Coin Chart


Dave is a communications wizard of the 4th degree. Having served in Iraq twice, he is pretty good at staring blankly at hesco baskets and getting exhaust samples.