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Budget Cuts To Bring Military Spending Down To Pre-Civil War Levels

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Photo Credit: US Army

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel proposed deep and far-reaching cuts across the military on Monday, vowing to bring spending down to pre-Civil War levels, sources confirmed.

“There are some who would criticize a move towards bringing our military spending down to levels seen in the 1860s,” said Hagel. “But these people don’t understand the evolving nature of warfare.”

While the cuts would hit naval personnel hardest — with a reduction in the overall number of commodores in the service and the suspension of its plan to send gunboats to open up Japan to trade — the Army is also facing the end of its “two tribes” policy of having enough regiments mustered to fend off multiple Indian raids.

In a press briefing, Hagel also explained the need to make drastic cuts to equipment and personnel, but vowed to maintain important research and development funds for projects such as a regiment that can man two skirmisher lines at once and a ship of the line made of iron that runs on “steam power.”

However, plenty of programs will face the surgeon’s hacksaw. “The first thing we need to get rid of is the 32-pounder cannon,” said Hagel. “You need several extra horses to draw it and the reinforced caisson can only travel on the sturdiest dirt roads.”

He added that the Air Force would also see a reduction to “tested and sustainable technology levels,” such as hydrogen-powered dirigibles whose safety record rivals today’s Ospreys.

Hagel refused to comment if the Army would still receive funding for its controversial all-negro units.

Paul contributed a headline and emotional support for this report.

Army

Army creates cyborg that can become homeless alcoholic 200 times faster than human counterparts

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WASHINGTON — The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) announced today their development of a hybrid man-machine soldier that can become a booze-soaked, homeless wreck more quickly than humans, exceeding Defense Department goals.

Engineers at DARPA designed the Cybernetic-Human Integrated Patrol Infantryman (CHIPI) for the Army and assigned it the Military Occupational Specialty 11T (Terminator). CHIPI performed admirably as an infantry killing machine during his first assignment in Afghanistan.

The Army assigned CHIPI to the Pentagon in a complete mismatch to his skills, a common procedure.

“We thought CHIPI’s super-human strength and intelligence could improve the speed of Army staff work,” said DARPA spokesman Mitch Burmeister. “It seemed to make sense at the time.”

“On his first day, CHIPI was productive for about two hours, which is more than we get out of most colonels,” Burmeister said. “But then his artificial intelligence algorithms rapidly processed that his work was pointless, the leadership sucked, and being sidelined out of his job field, his prospects for promotion were zero.”

“Like many redeploying infantrymen, CHIPI also realized that few job prospects exist in the civilian world for a super soldier whose primary skills are working long shifts and instantaneously shooting things with amazing accuracy, at least not outside of the St. Louis Police Department,” he added.

Within one day, CHIPI resigned and processed his own discharge. With no need to sleep for his cybernetic body, CHIPI had blown his entire savings on alcohol, sports cars, and video games by the end of the weekend.

“He married and divorced two strippers in 20 minutes and that was while slamming tequila and playing ‘Assassin’s Creed,’ nonstop,” said Burmeister. “That beat the previous record held by a Marine lance corporal at Camp Lejeune.”

“Usually it takes months or years for people to lose their shit this completely. He really exceeded our expectations,” he added.

Based on this success, DARPA plans to develop a cybernetic Veterans Affairs employee that can provide the same recovery assistance 200 times less efficiently than human counterparts.

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Grim Reaper to dress as Secretary Mattis for Halloween

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MEXICO CITY — Speaking to reporters at his Día de los Muertos press conference, the Grim Reaper confirmed that he will dress as U.S. Secretary of Defense James Mattis when he goes trick or treating with his daughter this Halloween.

“I’m a huge fan,” the spiritual embodiment of death told reporters today. “I think the body of work — and the bodies — really speaks for itself.”

The Grim Reaper went on to explain the thinking behind his decision.

“I know most of you were expecting me to do a dictator costume, but I’m not about to repeat last year’s debacle where I had to keep explaining that Myanmar is a country and not a Game of Thrones character,” he said. “All the dictators have been driving me crazy as of late. Bashar is all about buffer zones now. It’s freaking amateur hour over there in Saudi Arabia, and Putin won’t turn his stupid laptop off.”

“Besides, it’s one thing to kill your own defenseless people, it’s another to take down a heavily armed, suicidal army entrenched in a city made entirely of IEDs while two governments look over your shoulder,” he added. “I don’t see any Chinese generals doing that in Xinjiang Province.”

The Grim Reaper went on to describe how he will be dressing as classic Mattis in a woodlands MOPP suit, flak, Kevlar and captured PKM over his shoulder.

When asked what his daughter will be dressed as, the Grim Reaper sighed and said, “Elsa from Frozen — again. Next question.”

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News

Alarming study shows average officers indulge in merely five rosewater scones per day

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WASHINGTON —  Sagacious officers across all branches of the armed forces are only indulging in five rosewater scones per day on the average, according to a report released today.

The 14-page study, published in this month’s issue of online food journal “Gastronomica”, shows that the palates of our nation’s leaders have changed dramatically over the last two decades, moving away from almond-flour sweets towards more rustic, custard-based desserts.

“We are extremely concerned that commissioned officers are trying to relate with the enlisted by eschewing the food of their forefathers,” said Pentagon spokeswoman Col. Lucretia Portendorfer. “While admirable, it is hardly becoming of an officer of these United States to be noshing on Manchester tart and tipsy cake with soldiers who are supposed to respect them.”

Other floured delicacies are also facing a decline in dinner party merriment. Where sablés, clafoutis, tuiles, madeleines, and financiers composed over 95 percent of every officer’s post-repast snacks, their consumption has steadily declined to a record low of 90 percent. Llewelyn Davies, chancellor hostis humani generis of the Society of Cincinnati branch responsible for the study, told reporters that he hasn’t seen this kind of dessert decline since the Great Macaron Crisis of 2002.

“The drop in delicate, crumbly dessert bread being consumed by America’s lords and ladies is due to many factors,” said Davies. “We can’t put our finger on just one, but from the lack of effulgent confectioneries outside most military installations, to bothersome crumbs soiling their finely starched waistcoats, we are seeing a major shift among all commissioned ranks in the consumption of delicate finger foods.”

As the Pentagon tries to determine the root cause of the recent downturn in deportment, leaders from around the military are hardly ruffling their cravats about the results of the study.

“The geopolitical landscape is always changing and our nation’s leaders have to be able to change with it,” said Lt. Col. Septimus Nithercott III. “Gone are the days of officers sitting on their laurels and stuffing their faces with whatever second-rate panna cotta they can get their well-manicured hands on. Today’s leaders need to be flexible, three dimensional, and ready to deal with whatever tarte à la bouillie gets thrown at them.”

A compromise may be on the horizon, however, with the unveiling of Officer-specific MREs arriving in late 2020. The MREs will be an “L-shaped ambush for the senses,” according to the U.S. Army Research Institute of Environmental Medicine’s Military Nutrition Division official press release. Not only will it bolster the waning petite French cookie industry, but the delectable bagged collations will also contain perennial officer favorites such as a foie gras, escargots de Bourgogne, rosbif à l’alsacienne, and dehydrated 1982 Bourdeuax Cheval Blanc.

Intrepid Duffel Blog reporters Blonds Over Baghdad and Dick Scuttlebutt contributed to this report.

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US forces did stuff in Afghanistan or something

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WASHINGTON — US forces reportedly did stuff in Afghanistan or something in an attack on whomever in some place in whatever province, sources confirmed today.

Gen. He’s Lying To You praised the operation, telling reporters that this was the most effective use of munition that hasn’t been effective since the Gulf War.

“We were absolutely surgical with this strike, you can guarantee that,” he said of the bombing, which killed two members of a militant group with a scary-sounding name as well as 47 civilians.

Central Command Spokesman Who Gives A Crap confirmed things definitely happened and you probably don’t care.

“It may have been effective, or it may not have been,” said Mouthpiece For The Global Military Industrial Complex. “Honestly, no one has a clue what they are doing or why they are doing it, but we thought we would share a piece of news to make it look like we are making headway.”

“We are definitely turning the corner,” she added.

Defense Secretary It Doesn’t Even Matter says this is all part of the Pentagon’s renewed focus on Buzzword For An Impossible To Understand Strategy, which has seen impressive gains for Afghan government forces in the last – what year is it?

“I don’t know,” said Lt. Col. Pending UCMJ For Sexual Assault. “We climbed a mountain, then we climbed another mountain, then we dropped a bunch of bombs, and then we came back. It was just like, whatever, you know?”

Other people were quick to criticize all of the stuff, especially Sen. I Almost Served In Vietnam.

“We demand a robust strategy argle bargle,” said Wasting Your Breath. “This has been going on for, like, ever now, and it needs to stop.”

Bad Fitting Pant Suit With 1980’s Hair echoed his sentiments, adding that “America can’t stomach another thing” and “she literally can’t even” with the situation.

“We need a plan to make a plan to prevent our plans from failing like all the other plans,” said I Support The Troops.

Anyway, sometime in the near future the military people and members of Congress planned to hold hearings and do other stuff to make sure that America doesn’t do this again. Maybe. Or not. Whatever.

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Air Force

Air Force removes baptism from basic training graduation requirements

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WASHINGTON — The Air Force announced today that it would no longer require recruits to become baptized Christians in order to graduate basic training following yet another bout of criticism over bias from Air Force leaders who identify as evangelicals.

Secretary of the Air Force Heather Wilson addressed the change in policy in a press conference at the Pentagon.

“After deep prayer and reflection, we have concluded that Jesus will just have to enter all of our new airmen’s hearts in His own way,” Wilson said. “We pray for our Lord and Savior’s grace and forgiveness in this matter.”

The move comes amid increasing scrutiny from groups like the Military Religious Freedom Foundation (MRFF) who say leaders are pushing their religious beliefs in inappropriate ways. By removing the baptism requirement, the Air Force hopes to tamp down mounting controversy.

The MRFF says there still is room for improvement.

“I mean, for goodness sake, the Air Force Academy – an engineering school that is supposed to mass produce pilots – has outsourced all science and engineering classes to Focus on the Family,”  said MRFF President Mikey Weinstein, an academy graduate himself. “We’ve got a generation of aviators and potential astronauts who think that gravity is the devil trying to suck them down into hell and that Elijah’s magic chariot dust is what propels them into the air.”

The Air Force is exploring other moves to further address concerns of organizations like the MRFF. Proposed ideas include discontinuing punishments for airmen who do not attend Bible study on a weekly basis and no longer issuing chastity belts to females in the service.

“We’ll continue to seek guidance from our pastors, and we also intend to check the Constitution again to see if there’s an amendment about Jesus in there” said Wilson.

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Air Force

Pentagon worries that plunging morale might affect morale

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

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ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

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Mattis thankful envelopes contained ricin instead of MRE Charms

“It’s just a flashback I never wanted to have.”

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WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis is “thanking God” after an alleged assassination attempt on his life only involved seeds used to make the deadly poison ricin, not Charms, a candy once found in Meal, Ready to Eat (MRE) packages.

Department of Defense officials were alerted Monday after two envelopes addressed to Mattis, Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John Richardson, and President Donald J. Trump containing the poisonous substance triggered alarms at the Pentagon mail screening facility.

“All I was told was that there was a potentially dangerous chemical substance that had found its way into the Pentagon, no mention of ricin or anything,” Mattis said. “Every bone in my body went into shock. I thought it was for sure Charms.”

That feeling is something that still “haunts the hell out of” the former four-star Marine general.

“Once I was briefed on the situation, I ran to my office and locked and loaded,” Mattis said. “As a Marine, when you hear the words ‘potentially dangerous chemical substance,’ your first and only thought is Charms. Those suckers are just bad juju. Everybody knows that.”

The hard candy, most comparable to a Lifesaver, was first featured in MREs during the 1970s, but today is universally accepted amongst members of the military as a cause for bad weather, bodily injury, unexpected combat, and overall bad luck.

Charms were even infamously portrayed as a source of misfortune on the HBO Series “Generation Kill,” which focused on the trials and tribulations of 1st Reconnaissance Battalion Marines during the 2003 invasion of Iraq.

Mattis admittedly “scoffed” when hearing about the curse upon his enlistment into the Marine Corps in 1969, but eventually learned just how dangerous the candy could be.

“The day we landed in the [Persian] Gulf, our interpreter opened a pack of them inside our tent and within seconds we had missiles raining down on us,” Mattis said. “The next day I had my XO ratf-ck all of the MREs on post until they were gone. Some say it’s actually what helped us take back Kuwait.”

Even after all that, Mattis was still visibly shaken up when asked further about Charms.

“I thought they were coming back in stock or something. It’s just a flashback I never wanted to have,” he added. “And I’ve seen some shit.”

Upon receiving confirmation that it was “just ricin,” Mattis went back to work Friday, even reportedly using some of the confiscated poison as coffee creamer the following morning.

“It’s actually not all that bad,” Mattis said. “Pretty weak stuff, nothing that blows my hair back, but it’ll do I guess.”

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Army

Space Force seeking applications for transfer to mobile infantry

It’s called the “Cross Into the Black” initiative.

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WASHINGTON — Space Force Recruiting and Retention Command announced today that it is seeking applications from current active-duty Army 11-series MOS and Marine 03xx-series MOS personnel for lateral transfer into the Mobile Infantry, the service’s direct-action combat arms branch.

The “Cross Into the Black” initiative seeks to recruit current infantry soldiers and Marines to take their ground combat skills to the interstellar battle space.

“Our goal is to be able to rapidly field an initial corps of trained warfighters who will then be able to train the next generation of mobile infantry,” said Space Force Lt. Col. John Rico. “Our troopers will be prepared to deal with anything, from the gritty hell of face-to-face combat, to the potentially awkward moral dilemmas that may arise from railing out your smoking-hot redhead platoon mate while you’ve still sort of got a thing for this pilot chick.”

Mobile infantry warfighting doctrine calls for rapidly deployable units that can counter not only Earth-based threats, but also potential attack from non-Earth based enemy forces. Insertion by orbital dropship is the primary assault tactic employed, as it enables rapid massing of friendly forces on the enemy objective and the establishment of a secure lodgment for follow-on operations or beer-and-bang parties.

Mobile infantry units will deploy aboard heavy fleet cruisers such as the USS Rodger Young, the first Space Force cruiser to be commissioned. The cruisers can deploy 32 Viking-class dropships, each capable of carrying one fully combat-equipped rifle platoon as well as four Conestoga-class support dropships stocked with mission-critical supplies including spare munitions, rations, hair-styling products, beer kegs, electric violins, and footballs.

Units are gender-integrated, which eases logistical and supply-chain burdens for field shower units, portable tents, personal prophylactic kits, and other sustainment provisions.

The Space Force is offering transfer bonuses of up to $20,000 for service experience of eight years or more, or the equivalent qualifying time and unlocked achievements in a candidate’s online gamer profile, as an incentive to lure experienced mid-career infantrymen away from sister services.

Applicants should have a GT score of 110 or greater on the ASVAB. Scores down to 50 are waiverable if the applicant has less than 12% body fat and flexible sexual standards.

Would you like to know more?  Space Force Recruiting and Retention Command says interested parties should visit its website for more information.

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