BAGRAM AIR BASE — A sleep-deprived pilot in a severely catatonic state was unsure whether he was on final approach toward the main runway at Bagram or getting a lap dance from Carmen Electra, sources confirmed today.
The pilot who wishes to remain anonymous, indicated that he had not slept in well over 24 hours prior to the start of his flight due to a non-stop Battlefield 4 marathon. The lack of sleep didn’t deter the 31-year-old from getting in the cockpit, since he assured reporters that, in fact, “the plane practically flies itself.”
Capt. Frank “Po-Boy” Johnson, co-pilot of the C-17, noted that prior to conducting the standard combat landing during final approach, he turned the stick back over to the anonymous pilot who confirmed control with a quite audible, “mmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmm!!!!!”
In his confusion, the pilot mistakenly associated the runway and instrument lights as him being in some sort of wild rave. Additionally turbulent conditions resulted in him believing that he was getting the best lap dance ever by supermodel Carmen Electra.
When asked to give visual confirmation of the runway by a female air traffic controller, the pilot only replied, “Fuck yeah, Carmen!”
Prior to touchdown the pilot began yelling, “faster, faster, faster” to which Capt. Johnson screamed, “What the fuck? No, no, no, slower, slower, slower.”
“Where the fuck are we?,” asked the pilot who after being jarred awake during the hard landing. “Was I just seriously flying?”
At press time, air traffic controller Airman 1st Class Rachel Carmen was wondering how the pilot actually knew her name.