47 Arrested After Alcohol Abuse Skit Goes Horribly Wrong

FORT DRUM — Shock and outrage swept through upstate New York on Thursday after 47 soldiers from the 10th Brigade Support Battalion (BSB) were arrested on assault charges during a unit-wide alcohol abuse prevention stand-down.

With the unit schedule to depart for Afghanistan soon, Battalion Commander Lt. Col. Rich Barry conducted the most important pre-deployment training soldiers can receive: Substance abuse and sexual assault prevention training.

“At first the soldiers seem to really be enjoying the briefing,” said Marley Hammersmythe, a women’s studies professor from University of California-Berkeley. “I was showing them various screen-shots of horrific DUI related deaths and injuries and every time I asked if they’d seen enough, the soldiers would demand to see more. I guess they were really serious about understanding my message.”

“Then it all went crazy,” the distraught woman added, still visibly shaken by the memory.

“I just … just wanted them to understand how ridiculous the masochistic gender dominant role actually is when viewed by a neutral audience. I had set up an elaborate pseudo-club type set on the stage.”

The point of the skit, Hammersmythe explained, was to show various ways to overcome the primitive desires that alcohol and intense social contact between the sexes creates. The professor then gave the male soldiers 15 minutes to consume as much alcohol as possible.

“Usually the men in my groups have a few cosmos and they’re sufficiently intoxicated to perform my experiment, but this, this was insane,” she explained. “They were like wild animals desperate for water! They didn’t even speak to each other; I just heard the sounds of grunting and chugging for 15 straight minutes. After the alcohol portion of the test was completed, I gave them each a breathalyzer. The first soldier blew a .214! I don’t know how he was even conscious.”

Sources confirmed the audience clapped and cheered every time she showed a blood alcohol level higher than the previous.

“It was like some kind of sick contest,” Hammersmythe said. “I should have stopped right there, but I didn’t.”

Moving onto the ‘social’ portion of the exercise, Hammersmythe hoped to show everyone how ridiculous drunk men acted in public. “Hopefully the memory would stick when they were in a real club.”

“Instead it was like watching feral dogs in heat. Those poor women didn’t have a chance. The first song hadn’t even started and clothes were already being torn off. I could barely hear their screams over the excited whistling and shouting of the audience.”

Military police arrived promptly two hours later, although much of the damage had already been done. There were 47 arrests in total, forcing the battalion to postpone its deployment date.

At press time, the battalion was reportedly getting reinforcements from the Afghan Army, an extremely close ally and steadfast friend of the United States.