ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis is “thanking God” after an alleged assassination attempt on his life only involved seeds used to make the deadly poison ricin, not Charms, a candy once found in Meal, Ready to Eat (MRE) packages.

Department of Defense officials were alerted Monday after two envelopes addressed to Mattis, Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John Richardson, and President Donald J. Trump containing the poisonous substance triggered alarms at the Pentagon mail screening facility.

“All I was told was that there was a potentially dangerous chemical substance that had found its way into the Pentagon, no mention of ricin or anything,” Mattis said. “Every bone in my body went into shock. I thought it was for sure Charms.”

That feeling is something that still “haunts the hell out of” the former four-star Marine general.

“Once I was briefed on the situation, I ran to my office and locked and loaded,” Mattis said. “As a Marine, when you hear the words ‘potentially dangerous chemical substance,’ your first and only thought is Charms. Those suckers are just bad juju. Everybody knows that.”

The hard candy, most comparable to a Lifesaver, was first featured in MREs during the 1970s, but today is universally accepted amongst members of the military as a cause for bad weather, bodily injury, unexpected combat, and overall bad luck.

Charms were even infamously portrayed as a source of misfortune on the HBO Series “Generation Kill,” which focused on the trials and tribulations of 1st Reconnaissance Battalion Marines during the 2003 invasion of Iraq.

Mattis admittedly “scoffed” when hearing about the curse upon his enlistment into the Marine Corps in 1969, but eventually learned just how dangerous the candy could be.

“The day we landed in the [Persian] Gulf, our interpreter opened a pack of them inside our tent and within seconds we had missiles raining down on us,” Mattis said. “The next day I had my XO ratf-ck all of the MREs on post until they were gone. Some say it’s actually what helped us take back Kuwait.”

Even after all that, Mattis was still visibly shaken up when asked further about Charms.

“I thought they were coming back in stock or something. It’s just a flashback I never wanted to have,” he added. “And I’ve seen some shit.”

Upon receiving confirmation that it was “just ricin,” Mattis went back to work Friday, even reportedly using some of the confiscated poison as coffee creamer the following morning.

“It’s actually not all that bad,” Mattis said. “Pretty weak stuff, nothing that blows my hair back, but it’ll do I guess.”

WASHINGTON — Space Force Recruiting and Retention Command announced today that it is seeking applications from current active-duty Army 11-series MOS and Marine 03xx-series MOS personnel for lateral transfer into the Mobile Infantry, the service’s direct-action combat arms branch.

The “Cross Into the Black” initiative seeks to recruit current infantry soldiers and Marines to take their ground combat skills to the interstellar battle space.

“Our goal is to be able to rapidly field an initial corps of trained warfighters who will then be able to train the next generation of mobile infantry,” said Space Force Lt. Col. John Rico. “Our troopers will be prepared to deal with anything, from the gritty hell of face-to-face combat, to the potentially awkward moral dilemmas that may arise from railing out your smoking-hot redhead platoon mate while you’ve still sort of got a thing for this pilot chick.”

Mobile infantry warfighting doctrine calls for rapidly deployable units that can counter not only Earth-based threats, but also potential attack from non-Earth based enemy forces. Insertion by orbital dropship is the primary assault tactic employed, as it enables rapid massing of friendly forces on the enemy objective and the establishment of a secure lodgment for follow-on operations or beer-and-bang parties.

Mobile infantry units will deploy aboard heavy fleet cruisers such as the USS Rodger Young, the first Space Force cruiser to be commissioned. The cruisers can deploy 32 Viking-class dropships, each capable of carrying one fully combat-equipped rifle platoon as well as four Conestoga-class support dropships stocked with mission-critical supplies including spare munitions, rations, hair-styling products, beer kegs, electric violins, and footballs.

Units are gender-integrated, which eases logistical and supply-chain burdens for field shower units, portable tents, personal prophylactic kits, and other sustainment provisions.

The Space Force is offering transfer bonuses of up to $20,000 for service experience of eight years or more, or the equivalent qualifying time and unlocked achievements in a candidate’s online gamer profile, as an incentive to lure experienced mid-career infantrymen away from sister services.

Applicants should have a GT score of 110 or greater on the ASVAB. Scores down to 50 are waiverable if the applicant has less than 12% body fat and flexible sexual standards.

Would you like to know more?  Space Force Recruiting and Retention Command says interested parties should visit its website for more information.

WASHINGTON — U.S. military officials have assured worried allies that the fight in Syria will continue until it spends at least $1 trillion defeating ISIS and a corrupt, democratically-elected government beholden to the U.S. can be instituted, sources confirmed today.

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis told reporters this week that the primary mission for the U.S. has not changed in Syria, which is to defeat remnants of the ISIS terrorist group. Still, he added that the situation was “complex” and the military would also remain in Syria to guard against Iranian influence, work to end the Syrian civil war, deal with humanitarian issues, play geo-strategic chess with Russia, support and defend against its ally Turkey, and ensure girls can attend school.

“We may need to call up the DEA and get them involved in some counter-narcotics stuff as well,” Mattis said.

Mattis downplayed the idea of “mission creep” in Syria to reporters, reiterating the mission of the Defense Department has been to take care of every problem in the world since the country’s founding.

“The U.S. military is proud to be America’s 911 force,” Mattis said. “And 411, switchboard operator, therapist, and seedy 900 number.”

The strategy in Syria would mirror other successful Post-9/11 military campaigns, such as the War in Afghanistan, which officials touted as having accomplished far more in a shorter period of time than the Hundred Years’ War.

WASHINGTON — In the face of a perceived spike of attacks on female joggers in recent weeks, the Pentagon has affirmed its commitment to women’s safety by prohibiting female service-members from jogging, sources confirmed today.

“We are committed to the safety of all of our service members, but especially those that may make themselves targets for sexual assaults,” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. David Petrides. “We want to ensure that these service members are not attracting unwanted attention via their choice of clothing, perspiration, or movements that could be characterized by depraved maniacs as ‘sexual’ in nature.”

Petrides also acknowledged the difficulty of the ban, telling reporters that other initiatives are being considered by senior leaders to help women exercise less provocatively in safer environments.

“Nothing is off the table when it comes to the health and welfare of our female service members,” said Petrides. “From a buddy system, pairing women with big, strong men to protect them from would-be attackers, to instituting vibrating-belt machine PT, we want to make sure we send a strong message that violence against women will not be tolerated.”

The most promising solution, according to Petrides, is to move-up the initiative already underway to make women’s PT uniforms less flattering, which is set to launch in late 2020.

Still, the move to ban jogging by female service members has been met with stiff opposition. Frank Saldana, the Morale, Welfare, and Recreation (MWR) director at Fort Campbell, Kentucky, is one of the people directly impacted.

“Now that women aren’t allowed to run, the base gyms are packed with female soldiers exercising,” said Saldana. “We never planned on any soldiers using the gyms, let alone this many female soldiers.”

According to Saldana, the influx of female soldiers has caused other unforeseen issues like weights being properly racked, equipment sanitized, and scented candles in the unisex restrooms.

“It is a literal nightmare,” said Saldana.

Officials are hopeful, however, that a permanent solution can be instituted that will eliminate attacks on female joggers.

“As long as it is an easy one,” added Patrides, “that doesn’t require a lot of work.”

Meanwhile, senior Pentagon leaders are also looking at the benefits of eliminating women jogging to address problems like low retention, weight control, and government travel card fraud.

Intrepid reporters Blondes Over Baghdad and AndieDiGianni contributed to this report.

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis told a number of reporters that he “absolutely” wasn’t leaving his post at the Pentagon “any time soon” as he made his way out to his car with a large cardboard box, sources confirmed today.

“I wouldn’t take these stories seriously at all,” Mattis said of recent news stories speculating on his imminent departure from the Trump administration. “This stuff is all cooked up by the media just looking for a good story,” the former general added, before opening up his car’s trunk, which was filled with papers, photos, plaques, and other mementos that he removed from his office.

“I’m just, uh, bringing these back home so I can swap them out with other photos and trinkets that I want instead,” Mattis sheepishly told reporters, when questioned about all the suits hanging in his back seat as well as the various ‘good luck in retirement!’ greeting cards found strewn across his passenger side.

Rumors have swirled that President Donald Trump has soured on Mattis in recent months, apparently due to a number of private clashes over defense policy. The speculation has reached a fever pitch in recent days, especially after the publication of Bob Woodward’s book on the Trump administration, which reported the defense secretary compared Trump’s understanding of national security to a “fifth or six grader.”

“I really love fiction, which is absolutely what that book is,” Mattis said of the book, titled ‘Fear.’ “I never said those things of the President. Woodward got it 100% wrong. I said Trump had the understanding of a third or fourth grader.”

At press time, Mattis again denied that he was leaving his post after being confronted with updates he made earlier this week to his LinkedIn profile.

Lieutenant Dan contributed reporting.

KABUL, Afghanistan — The Cleveland Browns relieved the 1st Security Force Assistance Brigade of its mission of training Afghan security forces under Operation Resolute Support, a spokesperson for U.S. Forces – Afghanistan announced today.

The Browns, who until Thursday had not won a football game since Dec. 24, 2016, arrived in Afghanistan on Saturday for a seven-month tour.

“These boys certainly know a thing or two about winning,” said Lt. Gen. Austin Miller, the senior U.S. commander in Afghanistan. “I can’t wait for them to show these Afghans how it’s done after 17 years [of not winning].”

The Browns take over a mission to train, advise, and assist Afghan military and police units, which will now fall under the purview of Cleveland Browns head coach Hue Jackson.

“Oh, thank God,” said Brig. Gen. Scott Jackson, the outgoing commander of 1st SFAB.

The effects of an all-volunteer, professional football-playing force were immediately felt, according to defense officials, with particular praise given to the Browns’ rejuvenated offense and downfield aerial attack with quarterback Baker Mayfield under center.

“He’s certainly better than Tyrod Taylor,” said Cpl. Steve Higgins, a native of Twinsburg, Ohio.

Still, Mayfield, selected first-overall in the 2018 NFL Draft, was later sacked for a complete loss after a Taliban sympathizer slipped past his offensive line on Sunday.

“It’s critical for us to protect the quarterback, and there’s really no excuse for what happened out there today,” said Jackson.

The Browns suffered additional casualties after a reconnaissance team was struck by an improvised explosive device. Two players have been placed into the NFL’s concussion protocol and will not be expected to patrol next week, while the other three have been placed on Injured Reserve for the remainder of their lives.

“We can always improve on special teams,” admitted Jackson.

Moreover, the Browns’ leading wideout, Jarvis Landry, has been suspended for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy after indulging in a Hemland Steamer.

“What’s a Hemland Steamer, you ask?” said Jackson. “It’s basically where you pack a fat lip, snort a line of pre-workout, and then insert a Rip-It-soaked tampon in your rectal cavity.”

“I hear it’s very popular with the Marines,” he added.

Despite the initial challenges and hurdles the Browns have faced since taking over security and supporting a self-sufficient Afghan populace, leadership is cautiously optimistic.

“We’re very hopeful that we can get at least a first-round and a second-round draft pick out of our losses,” said Jimmy Haslam, the Browns owner. “Even if it means sacrificing everything.”

LONDON — Nearly 50 years after the release of his counterculture number one hit “War (What is it good for),” unearthed notes from singer Edwin Starr’s estate reveal that he actually believed war was “quite good” for boosting the economy and creating jobs, sources confirmed today.

Although the song, written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong in 1969, was one of the most popular anti-Vietnam War songs of the era, Starr admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

“While there are certainly many aspects of war I don’t like, my initial assessment that it is good for ‘absolutely nothing’ was a bit misguided,” Starr, who died in 2003, wrote in his personal diary. “I now realize that, despite war’s shortcomings, it plays a vital role in the economics of our country.”

Starr’s diary went on to say that when he initially performed the song in 1970, statistical data about job creation in the defense industry was not yet available. Nowadays, he said, defense giants like Lockheed Martin and Raytheon provide stable, well-paying jobs to thousands of Americans across the country.

“I’m still totally against the whole ‘death and destruction’ part of war, but from a commercial point of view it kind of makes sense,” the diary went on. “I would never have had the success I had if it weren’t for war.”

His diary went on to reveal more verses to the song that expand upon the various fiscal benefits of war which did not make the final cut.

“It ain’t nothin’ but a heart breaker,” goes the second verse, “but it is quite effective at reducing the bottleneck in entry-level civilian employment, oh-oo-oh yeah.”

“Lord knows there’s got to be a better way, whoa-oo-whoa, ya’ll,” Starr sings at the end of the song. “But, for now, war seems to lead to technological innovation and a sense of national unity and community involvement unequalled during most other periods in our history, good Lord, yeah.”

Dirty contributed reporting.