THE AFTERLIFE — Following his death on Wednesday, controversial pastor Fred Phelps was surprised to learn that heaven was much hotter than he imagined it would be, Duffel Blog has learned.
Phelps, the founder and former lead pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church, was convinced his years spent protesting soldiers funerals and hating homosexuals would earn him an eternity of comfort and bliss, but so far his central air conditioning seems to be malfunctioning.
“It’s not quite what I was expecting,” said Phelps, communicating with Duffel Blog reporters via Ouija board. “I never believed heaven would be full of pillowy clouds and unicorn rainbows, but at least it would have temperature control. It’s hotter than hell up here.”
The temperature was not the only surprise that caught Phelps off guard. On his arrival, he found his living accommodations to be substandard and workers on staff were unreceptive to his concerns.
“The staff here is a nightmare,” Phelps said. “They’re rude, inconsiderate, and for some reason, wear these ridiculous demon costumes. Whenever I complain about my dreary, little cave room, they either whip me, lock me in a cage, or send me off to the Chamber of Rape.”
Phelps, glancing around before dropping his voice to a low whisper, said, “Don’t tell anyone, but it’s my favorite place here so far. I think the gays might have been on to something.”
Despite the rocky start, Phelps’ spirits were slightly raised after meeting some of the people he admired during his lifetime.
“I met Osama Bin Laden yesterday,” said Phelps. “I didn’t think he’d make it here since he’s a godless, heathen, but it was like meeting a rock star. He couldn’t talk long though because he suffers migraines from the whole ‘getting shot in the head’ thing.”
While Phelps maintains he’s still happy to be in heaven, even in its unexpected form, his disappointment has led him to reminisce about his former life.
“I’m starting to get homesick,” said Phelps. “I miss my comfortable bed, my wife’s cooking, and sitting around the campfire with friends and family making ‘God Hates Fags’ posters. Those were good times. Now, I hate campfires. I hate all fire. Why is there so much fucking fire in heaven?”
Phelps believes his mood will brighten as soon as other members of his congregation begin showing up. In the meantime, he says he’ll make the best of his situation and find happiness wherever he can find it.
At press time, Phelps was seen sneaking back into the Chamber of Rape.