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Kremlin Seized By Self-Loathing, Fear After Kafkaesque Putin Press Conference

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MOSCOW – President Vladimir Putin caused a stir of introspection and despair today during a press conference to state media when he commented that Russia respected Ukraine’s wishes to maintain their current leadership in an obfuscating speech before proceeding to kill himself in an elaborate torture device, sources confirmed.

“If [Ukraine] likes their old government — fascisti cuka — then they can keep it,” President Putin stated flatly, banging his clenched fist upon the mahogany table for emphasis before going on to obliquely contradict himself in a bizarre rambling oratory. “The Russian Federation agrees with the Maidan’s desire for change, and Russia will bring about the change that is needed. Unless of course Ukraine doesn’t want to alter, then Russia will change it anyway.”

The Russian President glared about the room, nostrils flaring slightly, before going on to say that “all will become one with Russia. Let’s remember what the United States did in Afghanistan, Iraq and Libya.”

“They sit there across the pond as if in a lab running all kinds of experiments on the rats,” Putin said. “Why would they do it? No one can explain it.”

“Mr. President,” a reporter asked meekly from the back row. “What about the presence of Russian troops in the Crimea?”

“I am glad you asked, that depends what you mean by Russian,” Putin replied, casually ordering that the reporter by locked in a small windowless cell with no room to sit down for daring to crinkle a plastic water bottle in his presence. “We are all Russian in our own way, all the peoples of the world. Look at former Soviet republics. You can go to a store and buy a uniform. Were these Russian soldiers? No, they’re very well-trained self-defense forces.”

“But the issue is!” Putin cut off another reporter before he could finish speaking and began to remove his clothing, not stopping until he returned to his seat entirely naked, “Our major concern is the orgy of nationalists, and extremists and anti-Semites on the streets of Kiev! Russia has always loved the Jewish people and their rich history. Have you seen degenerate American musical Fiddler on Roof? The Jews are so happy in Russia that they are always singing and dancing! Bring in the machine!”

Obediently, a pair of uniformed soldiers removed the press table and placed a large instrument resembling a spiked printing press before the president. “It’s a peculiar apparatus,” said Putin to the reporters, gazing with a certain admiration at the device, with which he was, of course, thoroughly familiar. “This machine inscribes the notes of a man’s crime upon his skin with polished needles until he expires,” Putin exclaimed, licking his lips in orgiastic ecstasy and clambering into the device. “At the very moment of expiration there is a shine of transcendence within the Condemned Man’s eyes. Strap me in!” he roared to the guards, who until that moment had viewed the proceedings in utter horror. “I must experience this for myself!”

“What shall we set the machine to write, your Excellency?” quavered the soldier nearest to the control mechanism. All present stood hushed, a sickly pallor like that of yellow newspaper seemed to fall over the macabre scene. Putin set himself upon the leather straps that would hold him against the grooved surface of the apparatus. Myriad steel points glistened coldly above his giving flesh like stars set into the night sky. “You shall write, ‘BE JUST!’” he commanded.

According to witnesses, the soldier waved to his companion and they ran over to strap him in. The latter had already stuck out his foot to kick the crank designed to set the inscriber in motion. Then he saw the two men coming. So he pulled his foot back and let himself be strapped in. But now he could no longer reach the crank. The reporters couldn’t find it, and the soldiers were determined not to touch it. But that was unnecessary. Hardly were the straps attached when the machine already started working. The bed quivered, the needles danced on his skin, and the harrow swung up and down. The nearest guard had already been staring for some time before he remembered that a wheel in the inscriber was supposed to squeak.

Everything was quiet, without the slightest audible hum. The soldier could discover no sign of the promised transfiguration. What all the Condemned Men had found in the machine, Putin had not. His lips were pressed firmly together, his eyes were open and looked as they had when he was alive, his gaze was calm and convinced. The tip of a large steel needle had gone through his forehead.

OPFOR

We didn’t want to invite John Walker Lindh to our Memorial Day party, but his potato salad is so damn delicious

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Joh Walker Lindh potato salad

WASHINGTON—Every year, millions of Americans gather on the last Monday in May to drink, barbecue, socialize, and remember the fallen. But we all have that one friend who we know would be an unwelcome addition to the party. Nobody wants to invite him, but his potato salad is just so good that we have to.

That’s what happened when we heard that “American Taliban” John Walker Lindh was being released from prison. We didn’t want to invite him to our Memorial Day party, but his homemade potato salad is so fucking delicious that we didn’t have a choice.

Sure, Lindh’s stint with the Taliban in 2001 and experience in al-Qaeda training camps will make for some awkward conversation at our backyard barbecue. But holy shit if it isn’t worth it for a couple scoops of his signature side dish.

You might think after 17 years in federal prison that Lindh’s culinary skills would have atrophied. I can tell you with certainty, however, that they have not. Most people put too much mayonnaise in their potato salad and are overly conservative with the vinegar and paprika. Lindh, on the other hand, goes light on the mayo and all in on the vinegar and spices.

Now that’s the way a potato salad should be made.

Our party guests might have their own opinions about the Taliban or supporting terrorist organizations. But we know they’ll be able to put their prejudices aside, if only for one day, once they taste John Walker Lindh’s delectable potato salad.

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News

Marvel’s “War on Terror: No Endgame in Sight” loses $5.6 trillion in first 18 years

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LOS ANGELES — Marvel Studios announced today their most recent film “War on Terror: No Endgame in Sight” has bombed badly with an estimated loss of $5.6 trillion since opening 18 years ago.

Hollywood reporters were shocked at the poor box office performance. Dan Wakeford, People Magazine’s Editor-in-Chief, vividly remembers “how excited everyone was about this project from 2001-2003. But, the public lost interest quickly once they realized how long it would run. As a result, the media also had to start ignoring the ‘War on Terror’ around 2008.”

None of the cast have stepped forward to assume responsibility for failing to win the audience’s hearts and minds. Cast member Stanley McChrystal offered a signed copy of his memoir to this reporter in lieu of on-the-record comments when approached. A-lister David Petraeus released a statement that he was still “All In” and committed to working intimately with junior staff members despite the film’s poor returns.

Notably absent from the “War on Terror” red carpet premiere, was former President George W. Bush, whose initial passion for the film was said to be hot enough to melt steel beams.

Marvel Studios CEO Isaac Perlmutter is optimistic despite the bad news.

“I expect we will recoup our losses eventually, as we plan to leave this movie in theater forever,” he said.

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Hippie Taliban defector gets so stoned

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LASHKAR GAH, Afghanistan — Gesturing the “peace” sign and telling fellow fighters that he was “totally done with this insurgent stuff, man,” hippie Taliban defector Ahmad Khan got incredibly stoned, sources confirmed today.

“Bro, did you ever just think, like, what are we doing it all for?” asked the totally lit former IED maker seconds before being stoned to death by his compatriots. “Like, did you ever think, what if we’re the bad guys and the Americans are the good guys? Or what if we’re actually both the good guys but we just don’t understand each other? Like, whoa. Damn, I’m so high.”

While many of Khan’s fellow insurgents empathize with his desire to reject the establishment and live a life of “free love and groovy tunes,” departing the Taliban to pursue an independent and off-the-grid lifestyle comes with its costs.

“Brother, I’ve got mad respect for Ahmad and everything he’s trying to do by sticking it to the man. I went through a bit of a ‘free spirit’ phase myself when I was younger,” said fellow Taliban fighter Muhammed Tarklani. “But we’re totally going to have to stone him to death. I mean, you can’t just leave the Taliban to go get high and listen to music.”

Khan’s parents attempted to convince the Taliban that he was going through a phase, and that within a few months they would make sure he finishes his classes at Berkeley and gets a job at his father’s law firm.

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Navy

“Don’t worry, this chapter of my book will be awesome” SEAL tells dying teammate

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A Navy SEAL reassured a teammate dying from multiple gunshot wounds that this portion of his book would be “awesome,” sources confirmed today.

“This is awesome. I’m talking about this on every stop of my book tour. No way I don’t hit the bestseller lists after this,” Chief Petty Officer Brian Costanza told his fellow SEAL, Petty Officer 3rd Class Chet Steel, who was gasping his last breaths.

As the MEDEVAC helicopter departed with his teammate’s corpse, Costanza jotted down plot points and significant details about the incident to use in “Triumph of the Will: A Navy SEAL’s Journey Through Syria.”

Costanza said he was thrilled to have a significant emotional hurdle to add to the main character arc in the yet-to-be published memoir, but he faced backlash from some of his surviving teammates for the way he handled the incident.

“Don’t get me wrong. Brick is a great guy,” said Petty Officer 2nd Class Slade Paragon.“But I think it’s bullshit that he immediately claimed the incident for himself. Yeah, Chet died in his arms, but I was the one pulling security while he bled out. If anything, the trauma I suffered would make for a much more compelling chapter in my own book, ‘This Noble Warrior’s Creed.’ It’s just selfish.”

Petty Officer 2nd Class Chad Brogan, who outed himself on MSNBC shortly after receiving deployment orders to Syria, was also critical of Costanza’s decision.

“At the very least, he should have checked with the rest of the team so we could compare narratives,” Brogan said. “How would it look if all our books had similar chapters detailing Chet’s horrific death and our emotional journeys of recovery? People would think we’re assholes.”

Brogan said he now has to figure out a new anecdote to lead into his monologue about the terrible cost of war during chapter 9 of his book “The Trident Bleeds in Valhalla.”

Costanza was dismissive when asked about his teammates’ objections.

“These cherry fucks just like to complain,” he said. “My first book, ‘Uncommon Men-More Uncommon Valor,’ was published when they were still in BUDS, so I think I know a little more about narrative and plot structure than they do. Besides, what better way to honor Chet’s death than to have the most experienced writer on the team profit immensely by describing it in visceral detail?”

The remaining members of the team eventually agreed to let Constanza use the “death sequence” for his upcoming book. In exchange, they all received co-author credit for helping complete Steel’s posthumous memoir “Unkillable: The Sweet Rush of Combat.”

The SEALs chose to honor their fallen comrade’s memory by announcing that .5 percent of all book royalties will go to Steel’s widow Rhonda and their three young daughters.

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Army

Forward observer’s bracket ‘totally screwed’ after first round

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KHOST, Afghanistan — A U.S. Army forward observer’s bracket is “totally screwed” after only the first round, sources confirmed today.

Bracketing is a common practice among casual observers and almost exclusively occurs in the post-winter months after the hangover of football season dissipates and the snow recedes. This period is often called “March Madness” or the “fighting season.”

Sgt. Andrew Shelbet hoped to win fame, glory, and $110 with his bracket, but he knew it was a lost cause after the first round.

“I tried to adjust fire on a bunch of Taliban in the open, but the first round went way over my head, then over the enemy, and then over a goddamn ridgeline,” said Shelbet. “It was totally fucked. I couldn’t even bare the impact of the second round.”

Shelbet tried to hide his embarrassment by claiming to be a disinterested observer.

“Look, I only do like one bracket a year, and I don’t even bother with the rest of the season. Most of the year, I’m totally dedicated to my fantasy football team, the Big Dick Fisters,” he said.

Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that Army Staff Sgt. Zeke “Lion” Williamson, currently deployed with the 82nd Airborne in Helmand province, has maintained a perfect bracket during this year’s March Madness.

Curiously, the NCAA and Vegas insiders have expressed interest in Williamson and his bracket.

“They contacted me asking for proof of my perfect bracket, so I sent them the drone footage,” said Williamson. “It was fucking sick. Two rounds of adjusting fire, then fire for effect, motherfuckers! Guts went flying everywhere. I estimated at least 12 enemy KIA. Perfect bracket.”

Williamson now faces UCMJ action for releasing the footage, but maintains it was “totally worth it to give the world a perfect bracket.”

Shelbet, on the other hand, has been disinvited from his unit’s 2020 bracket pool.

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Rip It teases plan for GWOT 20-year-anniversary can

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PLANTATION, Fla. — Rip It Energy Drinks teased plans for a unique can design that honors the 20 year anniversary of the Global War on Terror and will be available in combat zones by late 2021, in a press release today.

“We want to go all out to impress our troops,” said head of Rip It marketing Dave Hughes. “Many of them have suffered significant injuries from either combat or the consumption of our product and deserve the very best.”

The design will reportedly incorporate significant amounts of symbolism. Included will be 20 stars the size and shape of the kidney stones the product bestows, which represents the number of years of the conflict (so far). Other design elements are said to include the American flag, a heart pumping at 220 beats per minute, and probably an eagle.

The limited release product will also include commemorative flavors such as Mission Accomplished Mango, Tropical Troop Surge, Quagmire Citrus, and Poorly Defined War Aims Berry Punch. All flavors will reportedly still contain methamphetamine levels of caffeine and maintain Rip It’s signature “left out on a pallet in the Middle Eastern sun” aftertaste.

The Rip It brand itself is almost as old as the conflict, having been introduced as a non-alcoholic Four Loco substitute for troops downrange in the first year of the war. Troops immediately recognized the drink’s excellence, commonly described as carbonated battery acid, as a pallet cleanser perfect for after smoking a cigarette and immediately before throwing in a dip.  The brand’s popularity rose further once troops realized that when pairing it with Otis Spunkmeyer muffins caused simultaneous diarrhea and constipation.

“These past 20 years have been amazing, and we can’t wait to see what the next 20 holds,” said Hughes.

Though the design has yet to be fully finalized, experts believe that with the right kind of support, this promotion could be as big as Green Bean’s annual “Christmas away from your family” holiday cups.

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Army

Veteran didn’t risk his life at Bagram Pizza Hut just to see U.S. and Taliban sign peace deal

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professional veteran

A local Army veteran expressed outrage this morning over talks of a U.S.-Taliban peace deal, saying he didn’t risk his life during a two-month deployment to Bagram Airbase “just to see the war end like this.”

Cody Bennett started his protest on social media after U.S. special representative for Afghanistan Zalmay Khalilzad began negotiations with the Taliban to end the war. As one of the “elite one percent” who join the military, Bennett says most Americans won’t understand his point of view, but somebody needs to speak truth to power.

“Me and my boys put too much on the line out there just to see these spineless politicians settle for peace,” said the former administrative clerk who was sent home early due to bone spurs suffered on the base gym’s elliptical machine. “Are my blood, sweat and tears worth nothing?”

Bennett claims that he and other veterans often had to combat issues like minimal selection at the base Pizza Hut as well as long lines and limited hours at the dining facility.

“A large pizza for sixteen dollars? I put my life on the line day in and day out, and they’re going to try to swill me for sixteen dollars? On top of that, they never use enough sauce,” said Bennett, who never came within 200 meters of the base’s perimeter and was administratively separated from the Army for being overweight.

“Those guys, the ones like me that held the line for their country despite slightly below average dining standards compared to middle-class American expectations, those are the true heroes,” he added. Don’t talk to me about peace or freedom until you’ve had to live through that hell.”

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American wife of ISIS militant uses power of attorney to empty husband’s bank account while he is deployed

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arab woman

AL HAWL, Syria – Nour Muhammad, who made headlines when she left America to marry an ISIS fighter, arrived in Al Hawl today after cleaning out her husband’s bank account and sending him a “Dear Abdul” letter.

“He’s been deployed in Raqqa fighting the infidels for nearly five weeks. I couldn’t take another second alone,” Nour explained. “Luckily, he gave me a power of attorney at his Mujahideen Brigade’s legal stand down before they left, so I helped myself to all of his riyals.”

When she met her husband in the comment section of an Anwar al-Awlaki video, she never imagined that things would turn out this way.

“At first when we started chatting, things were pretty casual. But before long, we were talking every day and sending each other cute beheading videos,” she remembered with a smile. “He asked if I would fly to Turkey, sneak across the Syrian border with a human trafficker sympathetic to ISIS, and marry him. Of course I said yes. Who wouldn’t fall for a romantic gesture like that?”

But, before long, their relationship soured. Nour was horrified when the man she’d known and loved turned out to have a dark side. She “had always thought he was one of those kind, gentle, and responsible ISIS fighters.” She was shocked when he became abusive towards her.

“I thought he only did terrible things to Kurds, Shiites, westerners, and people who listen to music in public. I never imagined he’d turn on me,” Nour siad. The final straw was when he spent half their savings on a used Toyota Hi-Luxe with 20 percent APR payments without consulting her right before he deployed.

Nour was out of options. With nothing but the clothes on her back and every last cent of her former husband’s money, she packed up and walked out of the caliphate. If she ever makes it back to the U.S., she plans on leveraging the kitchen experience she picked up cooking at a variety of safe houses to land a saleswoman job with Pampered Chef.

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