MOSCOW — Russian President Vladimir Putin has threatened to cut off two of the largest exports to the United States in protest of what he calls “America’s intervention in a strictly Russian affair,” the completely editorially-independent and fearless bastion of journalism Russia Today reported.
Following Russia’s annexation of Crimea, Putin called for legislators to introduce a ban on exports of organized crime and cheap vodka to the west, sending shockwaves through much of U.S. media.
“This is the country of little Odessa, where we have hurled endless Bratva and degenerates, as a boon to our American friends,” Putin said to the Duma, introducing a nationalist fervor for his land of methamphetamines, cheap heroin, and greedy public officials hungry for bribes. “Each one of these capitalist endeavors is dear to our hearts, symbolizing Russian glory and outstanding valor. But we cannot forgive the Americans for their interference in Crimean independence and so our partnership cannot continue.”
Many Americans reacted with panic soon after news broke of Putin’s speech.
“But how will we get our heroin, without the Russian mafia’s connections to the Snow Leopard Brotherhood?” asked Brad Whitaker, a local war historian and “entrepreneur” in Los Angeles, who refused to give more details about his business.
“Look, you have absolutely no idea how much damn money I stand to lose without the ability to run my cultural job exchange program,” explained a visibly frustrated Ivan “Bear” Dimitiov, owner of FromRussiaWithLove.com, an online dating website that is in no way a place for sexually frustrated American males to purchase a Russian woman to be later delivered to them as if they just ordered something off Amazon. “I thought it was bad having to pay 40 percent to the home office, now what am I to do?”
While many lamented Moscow’s decision, some support did seem to come from unlikely quarters.
“Think of it this way,” explained notorious Ukrainian crime lord Semion Mogilevich. “Where Russians fail you, eastern Europe can fill the gap. We can search for alternative market. That is capitalism, no? Well, unless we’re annexed first.”