FORT MCCOY — A soldier eager for an early discharge from the military posted what he hoped would be a career ending picture to his Facebook profile, sources confirmed today. With three years left on his contract, Specialist James Dobson had been trying to get kicked out for nearly a year.
“I almost gave up hope,” said Dobson. “Nothing seemed to work. I gained 50 pounds trying to eat my way out of the Army, but they just put me on weight control. I’ve got two DUI’s driving my motorized beer cooler, so they sent me to a substance abuse program. I even took a huge crap on my supply sergeants desk and somehow got promoted.”
Dobson believes his chain of command refuses to dishonorably discharge him because it would reflect poorly on their leadership abilities. After racking his brain for months, he discovered a sure-fire way to keep his superiors from sweeping his behavior under the rug.
“I realized the fastest way to end my career,” said Dobson, “was to embarrass the military publicly. They really don’t like that. They care more about their image than a high school cheerleader with an eating disorder.”
While Dobson decided the best way to shame the military was to post an inappropriate picture in uniform on Facebook or Instagram, it was a fellow medic who came up with the idea of how to stage it.
“We work together in the hospital,” said the unidentified soldier. “So I suggested a picture of him tipping me over in a wheelchair. We thought about taking one in the morgue but even we’re not that retarded.”
After snapping the picture, he uploaded it to Facebook with the caption, “Putting the DISS in disabled — Look how Army Strong I am!!!”
The picture soon went viral as Facebook users descended upon Dobson’s public profile to express their outrage. Most users decried his callous nature, while others called him a disgrace to the uniform. One person asked why in the world he ever thought putting that on a social media website would be a good idea.
Undeterred by the outcry, Dobson further stoked the flames by defending his picture with a status update which read, “Can’t take a joke? Here’s another one. What’s the difference between a wheelchair and cow? I’ve never tipped over a cow.”
While shrugging off numerous death threats, Dobson is confident his military career is over. He says he looks forward to life outside the military and years of unemployment due to public ostracism.
At press time, Dobson had undergone sensitivity training and was transferred out of the public eye to Italy.
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