TEL AVIV, Israel — The nation of Israel broke a nearly 50-year silence yesterday when it revealed the sneaky diplomatic secret that it has used to increase mass and get huge gains without once going to the gym or the United Nations General Assembly.
“This is an ancient secret that has been passed down through the generations,” the State of Israel said in remarks recorded on a VHS tape mailed to Duffel Blog in a suspicious brown-paper package after we paid $19.99 in crisp, unmarked shekels and provided our social-security and bank account numbers through a Google Form. “Very ancient Israel secret. The trick is getting the Americans to either not care about, or better yet, support your shady international dealings and land grabs through a combination of guilt-tripping and savvy lobbying.”
“Now you too can experience the joys of realpolitik in the 21st Century! Thrill to the sound of the goyim American Secretary of State impotently condemning your actions!”
In late-night television commercials to advertise the tape, Israel often exclaimed, “Just listen to some of these testimonials from our satisfied costumers!” before a quick star-wipe cut to a seated Vladimir Putin.
“Hello and privyet,” said the Russian president, obviously reading a teleprompter located just off screen and surrounded by beautiful women, “My name is Vlad, 61, St. Petersburg. Even since signing up for this course, I have increased my country’s land in Crimea and my self-respect. Ukraine is weak, Russia is strong, and all I needed to do is realize that no one will stop you if America doesn’t care! Just look at all these krasivyye devushki! Thank you Israel!”
Putin paused and looked directly into the camera, asking “How was that?” before the shot abruptly cut to static.
“With this new Achievement Program in Politics, Serbia can do anything!” crowed Tomislav Nikolić, as the camouflaged leader of the self-proclaimed ‘Best Country in the Balkans’ stood in front of a burning Croatian village. “We can at long last remove stinking Turk kebab and Albanian pigdog from glorious Serbian clay!”
Nikolić proceeded to machine-gun a handful of fleeing refugees. “You steal our righteous clay, you will never find the Serbian goats!” he screamed incoherently. “World War II we destroy ten-thousand Bosnian tanks!”
Sources confirm that the widespread release of Israel’s super-secret state technique is on the brink of leading the world back into the good old days where we didn’t pretend that everyone would just be nice to each other. Israel related that the campaign has been so profitable both to its advertisements and considerable armaments industry that it is planning on releasing a guaranteed guide for male virgins to get some by following only 10 simple steps.
The target audience is rumored to be cadets at the United States Military Academy at West Point.