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Pentagon

Hagel Supports Ban On Tobacco Sales, Combat Operations To Improve Military Wellness

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Chuck Hagel and Martin Dempsey
Photo Credit: Defense.gov

THE PENTAGON — Telling reporters on Monday that “we owe it to our people,” Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel mentioned a number of items the Pentagon is considering banning to improve wellness across the force, to include tobacco products, energy drinks and combat operations.

“The military’s health care costs attributable to just combat operations are astounding,” Hagel said, rubbing his eyes since he didn’t get the recommended eight hours of sleep last night. “I think we need to take a look at these wars and take into account all the money being spent.”

A memo sent from Hagel’s office to all military installations instructed commanders to begin eliminating tobacco sales, which it noted could have the effect of lowering costs of lung and mouth cancer while raising costs associated with mental health. It also instructed all deployed units to begin studying the health effects of combat operations.

“From our preliminary studies, we’ve found that invasions, police actions, or any kind of combat-related activity is really unhealthy,” Hagel told reporters, taking a momentary pause to kick back a shot of Maker’s Mark. “I mean, you could get shot at or stabbed in a combat zone. For heavens’ sake, they’re blowing people up with bombs!”

Other items the Pentagon may prohibit include trans fats, cell phones in government buildings, loud headphones, contact sports, sodas larger than 16 ounces, and motorcycles.

After washing down a Double Whopper with Cheese with an extra-large chocolate milkshake, Hagel explained to reporters that he hadn’t eaten all night while working on the new policy. “Hey can I get a shot of Bailey’s or Kahlua or something in this?” Hagel said, waving over a nearby aide.

While the defense secretary is confident the proposed regulations would eventually pass, there were some dissenters within the ranks, to include Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Micheal Barrett.

“What we do for a living is inherently dangerous,” Barrett told Duffel Blog, while putting a massive pinch of Copenhagen in his lower lip and muttering something about ‘Pentagon pogues.’ “I signed up to go to combat. I don’t care if it’s unhealthy.”

“And I’ll give you my Cope tin lid when you pry it from my cold, dead hands,” Barrett added.

At press time, a visibly-intoxicated Hagel was seen leaving the Pentagon on his Harley-Davidson motorcycle without wearing a helmet or reflective vest. A spokesperson later told reporters he was headed to a construction site to operate heavy machinery for “shits and giggles.”

Paul is a former Marine grunt with eight years of experience — specializing in snapping necks and cashing checks. He enjoys blowing things up, making people laugh, and hardcore gangster rap music.

Army

Cleveland Browns relieve 1st SFAB in Afghanistan

“Oh, thank God,” said Brig. Gen. Scott Jackson, the outgoing commander of 1st SFAB.

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KABUL, Afghanistan — The Cleveland Browns relieved the 1st Security Force Assistance Brigade of its mission of training Afghan security forces under Operation Resolute Support, a spokesperson for U.S. Forces – Afghanistan announced today.

The Browns, who until Thursday had not won a football game since Dec. 24, 2016, arrived in Afghanistan on Saturday for a seven-month tour.

“These boys certainly know a thing or two about winning,” said Lt. Gen. Austin Miller, the senior U.S. commander in Afghanistan. “I can’t wait for them to show these Afghans how it’s done after 17 years [of not winning].”

The Browns take over a mission to train, advise, and assist Afghan military and police units, which will now fall under the purview of Cleveland Browns head coach Hue Jackson.

“Oh, thank God,” said Brig. Gen. Scott Jackson, the outgoing commander of 1st SFAB.

The effects of an all-volunteer, professional football-playing force were immediately felt, according to defense officials, with particular praise given to the Browns’ rejuvenated offense and downfield aerial attack with quarterback Baker Mayfield under center.

“He’s certainly better than Tyrod Taylor,” said Cpl. Steve Higgins, a native of Twinsburg, Ohio.

Still, Mayfield, selected first-overall in the 2018 NFL Draft, was later sacked for a complete loss after a Taliban sympathizer slipped past his offensive line on Sunday.

“It’s critical for us to protect the quarterback, and there’s really no excuse for what happened out there today,” said Jackson.

The Browns suffered additional casualties after a reconnaissance team was struck by an improvised explosive device. Two players have been placed into the NFL’s concussion protocol and will not be expected to patrol next week, while the other three have been placed on Injured Reserve for the remainder of their lives.

“We can always improve on special teams,” admitted Jackson.

Moreover, the Browns’ leading wideout, Jarvis Landry, has been suspended for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy after indulging in a Hemland Steamer.

“What’s a Hemland Steamer, you ask?” said Jackson. “It’s basically where you pack a fat lip, snort a line of pre-workout, and then insert a Rip-It-soaked tampon in your rectal cavity.”

“I hear it’s very popular with the Marines,” he added.

Despite the initial challenges and hurdles the Browns have faced since taking over security and supporting a self-sufficient Afghan populace, leadership is cautiously optimistic.

“We’re very hopeful that we can get at least a first-round and a second-round draft pick out of our losses,” said Jimmy Haslam, the Browns owner. “Even if it means sacrificing everything.”

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Air Force

‘War (What is it good for)’ singer admits war actually quite good for boosting economy, creating jobs

He admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

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LONDON — Nearly 50 years after the release of his counterculture number one hit “War (What is it good for),” unearthed notes from singer Edwin Starr’s estate reveal that he actually believed war was “quite good” for boosting the economy and creating jobs, sources confirmed today.

Although the song, written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong in 1969, was one of the most popular anti-Vietnam War songs of the era, Starr admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

“While there are certainly many aspects of war I don’t like, my initial assessment that it is good for ‘absolutely nothing’ was a bit misguided,” Starr, who died in 2003, wrote in his personal diary. “I now realize that, despite war’s shortcomings, it plays a vital role in the economics of our country.”

Starr’s diary went on to say that when he initially performed the song in 1970, statistical data about job creation in the defense industry was not yet available. Nowadays, he said, defense giants like Lockheed Martin and Raytheon provide stable, well-paying jobs to thousands of Americans across the country.

“I’m still totally against the whole ‘death and destruction’ part of war, but from a commercial point of view it kind of makes sense,” the diary went on. “I would never have had the success I had if it weren’t for war.”

His diary went on to reveal more verses to the song that expand upon the various fiscal benefits of war which did not make the final cut.

“It ain’t nothin’ but a heart breaker,” goes the second verse, “but it is quite effective at reducing the bottleneck in entry-level civilian employment, oh-oo-oh yeah.”

“Lord knows there’s got to be a better way, whoa-oo-whoa, ya’ll,” Starr sings at the end of the song. “But, for now, war seems to lead to technological innovation and a sense of national unity and community involvement unequalled during most other periods in our history, good Lord, yeah.”

Dirty contributed reporting.

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Army

Wow! This man was born on 9/11 and gets to fight in the same war it inspired

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KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Not every soldier is as lucky as Pvt. Jesse Butler, who just signed his enlistment papers on his 17th birthday and will get the opportunity to fight in the same war that the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks inspired.

Although Butler came into the world on a terrible day in U.S. history, he’s thanking his lucky stars today that he has the privilege of avenging that attack just like thousands of others that came before and after him.

“I’m really thankful for people like Jesse who are stepping up to serve this country at a time of war,” said Sgt. 1st Class Elon Rodriguez, his recruiter. “And in his specific case, the war is the same one he’s known his whole life.”

Butler will soon ship off to Army basic training where he’ll get physically fit and learn all kinds of skills that will serve him well in Afghanistan, which the U.S. has been fighting in since before people knew what an Apple iPod was.

(Although the “classic” Apple iPod was discontinued in 2014, the obsolete War in Afghanistan continued its production run to the present day).

Sources say it’s possible that Butler may be sent to Kandahar, where his father once served, or to Bagram, where his older brother is currently deployed.

Butler has told reporters he can’t wait to pass on his knowledge of the country and how to fight the Taliban to his own sons.

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Army

‘Trust me on Afghanistan’, says man no one trusts

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Pentagon

DARPA announces it will no longer do work for Google

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WASHINGTON — The director of the Defense Advanced Research Project Agency announced today the agency would be ending its pro bono research and development relationship with Google and other Silicon Valley tech firms.

Founded in 1958, DARPA spent decades conducting cutting edge research for the most difficult problems faced by the military, while working on its lesser-known secondary mission of creating marketable technologies that could be adapted for civilian use, making billionaires out of smart and socially inept twenty-somethings.

“It was something that had to be done,” said Dr. Steven H. Walker, DARPA Director. “While we have enjoyed a long, fruitful relationship with Silicon Valley, we think it is time to make a change.”

“We enjoyed watching them turn ARPANET, the brilliant communication and data sharing system we invented, into the largest repository of cat videos and porn mankind has ever seen,” said Jonathan Winters, a program manager. “And, you can imagine the pride we all felt when the Global Positioning System we designed to guide warships and nuclear armed bombers during the Cold War was turned into an app that guides drunk college students to the nearest Quiznos. But these tech guys have gone too far.”

The policy change came after a number of DARPA scientists raised ethical concerns about large tech firms such as Google and Facebook. Many critics have argued that technology firms are mostly responsible for the rise of “fake news” conspiracy theories that have spread quickly on social media platforms.

“They control 90% of the web search market, so the internet is mostly whatever they say it is. We may build cutting edge death-dealing, murder-bots, but we aren’t reading your emails or convincing your uncle that the Illuminati rigged the local school board election.”

When reached for comment, Google CEO Larry Page denied the news would have a significant impact on the company’s business, but he declined to answer further questions as he stepped into a self-driving car whose technological advances were made possible by the 2004 DARPA Grand Challenge.

Still, a visibly-distraught Page immediately sent an encrypted email to the firm’s senior leadership using the Tor system developed by DARPA in 1997 to discuss their options, a company source said.

“Look, no one is happy about this,” said Walker. “But we just can’t do research and development for the military and the private sector. Google just needs to work on its own technological breakthroughs from now on.”

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News

Pentagon official smokes out Congress during counter-drug testimony

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Thomas Alexander (bottom row, second from right) poses with senior Defense Department counternarcotics officials in 2018. (Source: Righteous Fotes, Kingston Bay)

WASHINGTON — The Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense for Counternarcotics and Global Threats totally got on bloop and Bobby Brown when testifying about countering transnational organized crime before the House Committee on Armed Services last week, according to sources.

Thomas Alexander, who recently returned from California where he observed National Guardsmen performing counter-drug duties, floated into the District “hungry laughing” and with “potent vision,” according to a press release from the Pentagon’s Public Affairs Office.

Alexander is reportedly very concerned about the use of active-duty personnel and money in conducting counter-narcotics support activities, especially in the U.S. This comes during a review of Defense funding after 17 blazing years of constant war in the narcotics hotspots of the Middle East and South Asia.

Before testifying, Alexander allegedly started the day with a wake-and-bake at a bro’s house in Taneytown with some Jolly Green and Devil’s Lettuce, right before gnoshing an awesome breakfast of five bagels topped with powdered eggs, bacon, salsa, pancakes, melon, beetroot and whipped cream.

Then, while being driven very slowly to the Capitol by bouldered driver Army Spc. Jahmee I. Ree of the D.C. National Guard, Alexander stopped the car and bought a dro bud called 535 Funk from a kine at the intersection of 3rd and Constitution. 

Fearing a magic cancer call — also known as a urinalysis by dem stiff necks — Alexander then mixed up some black pepper, microwave popcorn and Doobie’s E-Liminate-It Magic Syrup, and passed it to himself on the left-hand side. That reportedly broke his personal security detail, who only had Greenout juice and No-Mo-Wreck pills to help walk back their gnarly fear of The Man.

A short time later, appearing before Congress at the unrighteous hour of 9 a.m. to describe Defense counterdrug requirements for the coming fiscal year, Alexander said he needed more “chess” and “sha-bang-a-bang-a” to get inside the minds of drug users. But he didn’t want any of that “snickle-fritz” from California.

When Congresswoman Jackie Speier of California’s 14th District objected, Alexander replied that “Reggie Miller” and an unidentified general he called “Sampson” never served in California. He also said that South Bay weed isn’t “loud” or “nay nay famous.”

Exhaling a massive power-cloud of Lanai Cabbage smoke, Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard of Hawaii’s like, only the second of two whole districts, breezily quizzed the Chief on the current posture of the National Guard’s counter-drug programs. Alexander, who was by then totally lit on widdle that enhanced the upper reaches of his holy state, said that Hawaii’s bogus decriminalization laws have had no influence on overall Guard readiness or his personal state of mellow with regard to “haters” and “the pigs.”

He also said for the record, he hates funding “these bogus DoD counter-drug task forces that are the children of Babylon.” He added that they are not what DoD’s main mission is about — defending the U.S. “They’re totally all in on supporting drug law enforcement,” he said. “No brethren and sistren can tolerate that since it harshes everyone’s mellow.”

At press time, Alexander was seen telling the Undersecretary of Defense for Policy to refer to him as haile nigušu t’īsi, the Ethiopian-language translation of “Mighty King Smoke.”

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News

Military’s dumpster fire-fighting plane unveiled by Public Affairs Office

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A newly-purchased Canadair 215 puts out all PAO dumpster fires. (Source: PAO)

WASHINGTON — The Defense Department’s Public Affairs Office has unveiled a new aircraft to combat dumpster fires today, according to its own press release.

Dana White, the Assistant to the Secretary of Defense for Public Affairs, personally demonstrated the Canadair CL-215 “Scooper” by flying over a roll-off, open-topped Dixie dumpster in a Pentagon parking lot, and releasing one thousand gallons of water in a single pass that extinguished all potential public relations infernos at once.

The bin, which was filled to the brim with substantiated reports of financial misconduct, validated sex scandals, and a current Space Force investigation, was left a water-logged mess that no investigator or journalist would touch, according to sources.

“That was easy,” joked White while back on the ground, pushing an annoying red button that repeated, “That was easy.” She added, “No other part of the federal government has this kind of firefighting capability.”

A twin-engine, high-wing aircraft, the Scooper is designed to react at low speed and in dangerous dumpster environments, such as those found over wrecked Navy ships in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and on U.S. Space Force bases across the solar system.

Public Affairs reportedly acquired the aircraft from Turkey in a sweetheart deal that will send scores of F-35 fighter aircraft to America’s favorite NATO ally next week, so long as Turkey promises not to detain and execute all the U.S. Air Force officers currently stationed at Incirlik Air Base.

Sources say White will soon head to Syria and then back to Central Command headquarters in Tampa with the aircraft, before its diverted toward the website Task & Purpose, which recently reported a green-on-blue attack on a U.S. Marine in Syria.

“We are always ready to fight under our motto, facta es fictus,” White said, from behind the aircraft controls.

At press time, White was continuing to refuse pleas from the California Air National Guard to contribute the Scooper to help fight its wildfires. “Our information special forces don’t have time for that,” she said.

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Pentagon

Pentagon says Taliban can just have Ghazni, we didn’t want it anyway

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PENTAGON — Pentagon officials say the Taliban can just have the city of Ghazni in Afghanistan since the U.S. military didn’t really want it anyway, sources confirmed today.

Days after the Taliban launched a major assault on the city of about 280,000 people, senior defense officials downplayed its significance in the overall South Asia Strategy. Although the Taliban was able to mass about 1,000 fighters and took over large portions of the city, American officials stressed it wasn’t really that important since it was 100 miles from the capital of Kabul.

“If the Taliban got in their trucks and started rolling up to Kabul, it would take them over an hour to get there,” said Gen. John Nicholson, the commanding general of NATO forces in Afghanistan.

Still, American forces have assisted Afghan forces in clearing operations in the city. Officials said that so far, roughly 140 Taliban fighters had been killed, demonstrating that the U.S. and Afghans would likely retake the city as soon as the enemy body count was accurately tallied.

“Things are complicated there,” said Pentagon spokeswoman Dana White. “But our Afghan partners are valiantly holding the line with the weapons and air support we continue to provide to them like a warm blanket.”

Officials added that Ghazni was “strategically irrelevant” in the grand scheme of the Resolute Support mission, whose goal is to support defense contractors and generals’ careers by not defeating the Taliban by, with, and through their Afghan partners.

“There are hundreds of cities in Afghanistan,” Nicholson told reporters. “I just don’t get why all of you are focused on this one.”

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