WARDAK PROVINCE, Afghanistan — Special Forces soldiers conducting operations to rid Afghanistan’s notorious cave network of Taliban fighters were astounded to discover a platoon of Soviet-era forces who were left behind during the Cold War.
“It’s amazing these guys are still alive after all these years,” remarked one solder. “Usually we shoot now and ask questions later, but those red flags with the sickle and hammer caught my eye, which in turn saved their butts. Do you know how much money a flag in such pristine condition like that would fetch?”
While the Soviets were initially startled by the bearded special forces soldiers they believed were mujihadeen fighters who had finally found their hiding place, relief set in when they realized they were only weakling, capitalist pigdogs from a country that would soon be brought to its knees by the mighty Soviet Union.
The soldiers, many in their fifties and early sixties, were all eager to return to the USSR to be reunited with their families and to further serve their nation. “Maybe I’ll get a great follow on assignment somewhere near the Fulda Gap,” said junior lieutenant Giorgi Konev, 54.
Shortly after their discovery, the soldiers were briefed on current events, which brought most to utter despair.
One of the Soviets however, 51-year-old Sgt. Marat Putin, shed tears of joy upon hearing news that his brother, Vladimir Putin, had become President of Russia. “I always knew Vlad would make something of himself for Mother Russia, I can’t believe he’s now ruler of free world.”
While many of the elderly soldiers were returned to Russia to reunite with their families, many others were congratulated by Vladimir Putin, then immediately dispatched to serve as occupying forces in Crimea.
“In Soviet Russia,” Putin said, “Soldier don’t quit army, army quits you.”