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Army

Student Veteran Also Happens To Be Expert On 18th Century Irregular Warfare

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ARLINGTON, Texas — A university professor was proud to learn that his classroom was being graced with not only the presence of a U.S. Army veteran of Afghanistan, but also, as it turns out, an expert on 18th century irregular warfare, sources confirmed today.

Thanks to his extensive experience during a single six-month deployment to Afghanistan, 22-year-old former Private First Class Brian Wintergreen is shedding all kinds of new light on a wide array of topics in an American History class at the University of Texas-Arlington, an institution of higher learning that Duffel Blog’s resident West Pointer confirmed is ‘just one step higher than community college.’

The budding amateur historian went to great lengths to assure his classmates he does not draw his opinions about past events from such trite sources as assigned reading, but instead from his own personal experiences or anecdotes that he read on Facebook.

“This is total bullshit man,” Wintergreen related angrily as he wielded the consigned textbook that his teacher had instructed him to read. “Look at this dumbass,” the student-veteran jabbed at the author’s name, the late Dr. John Richard Alden, “He can’t write about shit he hasn’t seen. I’ve been to war, I know! I got a CIB! He can’t say that the American militia in the Revolution was ineffective at fighting those British bitches. They could hide behind trees and snipe at them just like the Indians! Sniping wins wars!”

Wintergreen puffed out his chest and thumped it in a violently confrontational manner. “I was a sniper in Afghanistan with 60 confirmed kills!”

Wintergreen continued to aggressively relate how he steadfastly resolved to view linear Early-Modern Warfare through anything but the lens of his own personal experience, flying in the face of all historical perspective.

“I have never pressured my students to speak about their military service,” Dr. Andrew Farrell, Wintergreen’s history professor, reported behind his hand planted firmly on his forehand. “But Mr. Wintergreen is always willing to share his life stories. He doesn’t seem to grasp that the military techniques utilized at the time were designed for the most effective use of the weapons they had. Sometimes I want to just tell him to shut the hell up and stop using my lecture hall like the Xbox Live Lobby.”

Confidently stating the way the redcoats fought back then was “retarded,” Wintergreen then ran his fingers along the brutal high-and-tight haircut framing his pale scalp and winked at a young woman attempting to surreptitiously scoot her seat away.

“Know what I’m saying girl? Lining up and taking turns shooting at each other, pfft! What a bunch of fags!,” said the student veteran, befitting an Emeritus at Oxford University. “I would have gone full Mel Gibson on their asses with a tomahawk and pick them off from two hundred yards away and stab ‘em with the American flag at the end! Boo ya!”

In response to his professor asking him if he knew what the maximum effective range of a smoothbore musket was and how long it took to reload, Wintergreen retorted that “You poguey-ass bitches don’t even know the effective range of a Barret .50 cal!” He then made a vulgar motion towards his pelvis and profanely invited his classmates to perform fellatio upon him.

At press time, ex-PFC Wintergreen was found to have served as a DFAC guard his entire deployment, and earned his Combat Infantryman Badge when an enemy mortar landed 49 meters in front of his position. The projectile did not detonate.

Duffel Blog Investigative Correspondent ArmyJ contributed to this Report.

Army

Afghans request US take action on growing feral drone problem

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KABUL, Afghanistan — Afghan President Ashraf Ghani issued a public call today for the U.S. to take action on the feral drones marauding the skies of eastern Afghanistan.

“When they escape these drones roost in our mountains and attack our vehicles and machinery,” Ghani said. “If the U.S. is serious about rebuilding the country for the future, they will act on this problem before it gets out of control.”

Abdul Jabbar Naeemi, the governor of Khost Province, claims that feral drones have destroyed over three hundred vehicles, essential infrastructure and some of the swankiest bed down locations in his province.

“It is becoming an infestation,” he said. “The Americans introduced these things to our land, they must do something about it before it is too late.”

Kabul University’s top Dronologist, Dr. Feroz Sherazi, said the problem has grown worse over the years because of the isolation of the Hindu Kush Mountains.

“There are no natural predators and tons of poppy and scrap metal,” he said. “It’s a perfect breeding ground. That’s why we are seeing entire nests develop hellfire missiles.”

Ghani’s cabinet has a proposal that asks for $8 billion over four years to wrangle all the drones onto a preserve in Badakhshan Province. Local aide workers will neuter the drones once they reach full maturity then administer a vaccination program to prevent rust accumulation.

The Taliban have also made action on feral drones a precondition for peace talks with the Afghan government along with the withdrawal of all foreign troops and the transfer of Justin Bieber into their custody.

For its part, the Pentagon maintains that it has complete control of every drone it has ever brought to Afghanistan, and the CIA issued a rebuttal that was completely redacted.

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Army

Troops on border continue winning hearts and spades

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1-8 Inf. Regt. works to bring security to east Mosul

NOGALES, Ariz. — U.S. service members deployed to the U.S.-Mexico border are winning Hearts at an unprecedented level, embedded journalists within the task force have learned.

The troops, who have been on the mission since October, have now won hundreds of Hearts — and Spades — one round at a time.

“We’re trying to take the lessons we learned in Iraq and Afghanistan to heart,” said Task Force Commander Col. James Fisher. “As Americans, we’re used to holding all the aces. But sometimes you have to give up a trick to win the game.”

Between their duties walking around, poking at concertina wire, checking for cell service, and talking about when the best time to get lunchtime chow is, service members taking part in Operation Faithful Patriot have won an estimated 987 games of hearts, 1,289 games of spades, 18 house of cards building competitions, and one half-hearted emergency game of Go Fish!

“Echo Company has always been the best at listening to locals, building alliances, and then taking their tricks,” said Spc. Travis Keller, a light wheeled vehicle mechanic. “We used to play to 100, but at this point in the deployment, we’re playing to 1,000.”

While many pundits have publicly debated if the estimated 5,000 troops still mobilized to the border are a good use of government resources, the estimated 5,268 decks of playing cards have received so much attention and mentorship at the border that many are saying they’ll be ready to take on the operation for themselves in the next three to six months.

“Even if we never have to stop migrants at the border, our troops’ time will not be wasted,” said Fisher. “Just today, I’ve seen some of our military police learn pip hearts, shoot the moon and even schwartz kartze. These are valuable fieldcraft skills our brave men and women will use in field exercise, National Training Center rotations, and future deployments.”

Defense analysts are concerned that if the troops aren’t deployed by Christmas, they’ll be forced to turn to Bridge — long a weakness for ground troops, particularly combat engineers.

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Army

Caravan of strippers stopped at Mexican border by soldiers with engagement rings

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TIJUANA, Mexico — A massive caravan of illegal strippers heading to the U.S.-Mexico border was stopped at the border by a deployment of U.S. soldiers with engagement rings, sources confirm today.

The strippers, most of whom were from South America, had joined the annual march to the U.S. border seeking asylum at one of the many strip clubs outside of 29 Palms. Most had been walking for months with little food, water, or shelter. The drastic conditions resulted in the perfect storm of losing a bit of weight, tightening up c-section scars, and weakened judgement, which made them the perfect target for a third marriage.

“We met them in a three to one ratio, so we knew that it was critical to engage them immediately,” said Col. Todd Richardson, Task Force Lonely Patriot Commander. “Then they started throwing rocks. By our Rules of Engagement, that meant we could throw rocks back at them— and by that, I mean cubic zirconia.”

“Tear gas? Oh, that’s not tear gas,” said Richardson. “They’re crying because they’re happy. This will be the best 3-6 months of their lives.”

At last estimate, 30 percent of the strippers, which arrived just today, are pregnant with military dependents to be born in six months.

“It’s hell out there,” said Chaplain (Maj.) Bobby Weatherly. “I’ve never been under so much strain to pull together so many marriages so quickly. We’re out womanned out there. I had to call in close pair support.”

The troops have been stationed on the border since October to stop any illegal immigrants from entering the country. By the end of the month, 100 percent of the stripper caravan is expected to enter the country legally as military spouses and build their own businesses selling essential oils.

“This has been a glorious military exercise,” said Richardson. “From the second they started throwing those rocks, I told the boys the penguins threw rocks as a sign of affection and that they were weapons free with those rings.”

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Air Force

Charles ‘Wide Neck’ McDowell leads USO Tour request voting

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ARLINGTON, Va. — After weeks of neck-and-neck voting, Charles “Wide Neck” McDowell has pulled ahead of adult film actress Riley Reid as the most requested USO star for an upcoming international tour, sources confirmed today.

Service members from throughout the military placed more than 645,000 votes for McDowell and 320,000 for Reid this month following McDowell’s fame after his mugshot went viral.

“This is the kind of guy that everyone has necks-level love for,” commented Andrew Green, a specialist with the 82nd Airborne Division. “Soldiers across the world are coming together and neckworking to bring this god to bless our troops and potentially end racism.”

Though the voting does play a large role for the USO in selecting and funding the star, many more factors come into play before booking can actually begin.

“We sent someone down to Charles’ neck of the woods in Florida where he is currently training for his MMA debut. But despite his schedule he seemed interested, and we will discuss more necks week,” said Robert Hales, booking agent for the USO.

Hales did show some hesitation about bringing McDowell along for the European and Middle East tour starting next March.

“I want to give the troops what they have requested, but they’re in for a shock as soon as they see his neck is normal and his head is just tiny,” he said.

Reid volunteered to go on the tour for free if McDowell decided to attend.

“No lie, wide neck, a go pro, and me could trade his 15 min of fame to 15 min of bliss,” she tweeted.

Florida authorities have also voiced their full-throated support for McDowell to give back to the troops, offering to count it as community service and allowing him to travel internationally. Currently out on bail, McDowell has been capitalizing on his fame by appearing on MTV’s show “Necks,” singing in a feature of Ariana Grande’s “Thank You, Necks” hit song, and swallowing watermelons whole for five dollars in Orlando. Hopes are Ol’ Saint Neck could travel by Christmas.

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Army

Navy pranks Army with 17 years of sustained land-based combat just before Army-Navy game

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PHILADELPHIA — Midshipmen carried on a long tradition of friendly hijinks just before their collegiate rivalry game by pranking Army with 17 years of sustained land-based combat to just “get in their heads” before the big game today.

“We thought, what if these guys who aren’t old enough to drink figure out they’ve dedicated their futures to sprawling forever wars?” said Midshipman Michael Nelson, the senior leading the prank. “Who could mimic the tactics of war for screaming football fans? Once they hold the knowledge that blood and sacrifice will never accomplish the political ends we call victory, they’ll never be able to focus on the game. Navy Wins! Dude, we pwned them good.”

“Plus, after that thing with the Air Force Falcon, we didn’t want to touch animals.” added Nelson.

Nelson got the idea for the hilarious prank while making an Army-Navy rivalry video in his room in Bancroft Hall.

“We ran out of gay jokes, and I was thinking about getting stationed in Oahu with my hot first wife while West Point’s players were going to be leading pointless presence patrols on a route called futility. That’s when I realized that it was the perfect prank!” he said.

Darnell Woolfolk, West Point’s starting running back, fell victim to the hijinks late Friday night when his roommate’s sort of hot cousin called. Little did he know she was working for Team Navy and would subtly let him know that win or lose, he could look forward to multiple rotations in the same wars his father fought.

“I was really pumped up for the game.” Said Woolfolk. “I was listening to Future and thinking about crushing Navy. Then I slowly started thinking about the sacrifices I was making for an American populace that grows further disconnected and disinterested in what we say we’re fighting for. I immediately snuck into Washington Hall to eat spaghetti on ice cream from our special athlete refrigerators.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Woolfolk added, staring into an existential void of multiple deployments, football-induced brain injuries, and strawberry ice cream. “None of it matters anymore.”

As a battered copy of the ‘The Quaker Guide to Gaining Conscientious Objector Status” circulated around the student section of Lincoln Financial Field, West Point’s Corps of Cadets fought back in the healthy spirit of inter-service rivalry by reminding the Brigade of Midshipmen that soon, they’d be wearing an Army uniform and calling themselves “sand sailors” no matter how many aircraft carriers Congress to gave them.

The practical joke strategy worked so well that Navy plans to get in conference rival Tulane’s head by reminding them about the crippling interest rate on student loan debt and the chances of finding job after graduation.

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Army

Army sniper unable to hit toilet bowl

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FORT BENNING, Ga. – A local Army sniper met his match as he failed to successfully hit a toilet bowl at a nearby tavern, sources confirmed today.
Sgt. Doug Taylor, a 28-year old native of Des Moines, Iowa, missed his mark after whipping out his rifle and repeatedly failing to strike the water in the bottom of a toilet bowl during multiple ‘long shots’ that were fired after hours of heavy drinking.
“I don’t get it,” said Taylor who was unable to stand in one spot without swaying. “I adjusted to account for wind speed, altitude, and the ballistics involved – just like I was taught in sniper school. But, it was a no-go.”
Prior to the failed mission, reports show that Taylor properly identified and stalked the target and positioned himself for the most optimal shot by leaning up against a wall. He then fired, missing instantly and instead shooting the floor, spraying shrapnel all over his shoes.
One witness, Sgt. 1st Class Stan Hope, was disappointed to see one of his fellow snipers fail so miserably on what should have been an easy hit.
“He was out of range but only a little bit,” said Hope, who was assigned to follow Taylor into the bathroom and serve as the spotter. “He fell short. So I grabbed his hips and helped him readjust like we do in the field. He took a deep breath, relaxed, aimed, and I yelled ‘Send it!’ But, he was still off the mark by several inches and hit a nearby toilet plunger.”
Blaming the Coriolis Effect, the sniper and his spotter then quickly decided to take another shot. They immediately adjusted to an alternate firing position and squeezed off another round, missing by mere millimeters.
“We train with the M2010 Winchester Magnum rifle and can hit targets up to 1,300 meters. This, on the other hand, shouldn’t be a problem for him, even with his mini-rifle,” continued Hope. “Plus, this is a no-stress environment. I mean it’s not like toilets fire back at you.”
Staff Sgt. Salvatore Rotella, a tavern patron and designated marksman at another unit, saw the messy aftermath of the snipers handiwork.  “
“Isn’t accuracy supposed to be a priory for these guys?” he asked while his shoes stuck to the smelly floor. “Just last week I was able to chip off the edge of a urinal cake from a distance of 1 meter. The Army is going to deploy these guys? Embarrassing.”
Sources report that Taylor has been reprimanded by his teammates and will be provided supplemental training to attain the skills necessary to be successful during his next bathroom op.
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Army

ALL THE WAY! This Airborne Ranger refused to accept a blood transfusion from a leg!

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FORT BENNING, Ga. – They say that when you become an airborne ranger, it’s for life! This airborne ranger took it ALL THE WAY when he refused to accept a life-saving blood transfusion from a dirty, dirty leg, sources confirmed today. Hooah!

Army Spc. Ryan Collins, a graduate of the U.S. ARMY AIRBORNE SCHOOL, was so airborne! that when he took a bad landing, broke his leg, and started bleeding out, he motivated everyone around him by pulling out of consciousness long enough to say he’d only accept blood from an airborne-qualified soldier assigned to an airborne unit and receiving jump pay. No six jump chumps for this ranger!

“We wouldn’t usually accept yelling ‘Rangers lead the way’ as an advanced medical directive,” said Army doctor Lt. Col. Josh Malloy. “But woah, check out that motivation. He made me remember why I earned the tab.”

Collins was last seen on his way to Martin Army Community Hospital begging his medics to let him die in his jump boots rather than set the broken bone. He passed out again in the front leaning rest.

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Army

General breaks jaw while talking out of both sides of mouth

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WASHINGTON – Legislators, members of the press, and hearing attendees were stunned today when a general’s jaw fell apart during testimony in front of the Senate Armed Services Committee after a career of talking out of both sides of his mouth.

The fracture came on the heels of the general saying, “We remain an agile fighting force ready to fight and win the nation’s wars,” moments after remarking that “the force is under-resourced, over-deployed, and suffering from low morale.”

Sources close to the general suggest that this injury is not the result of an isolated moment but rather a career of wear and tear.

“He’s been a people pleaser as long as I have known him,” remarked one former aide-de-camp.

The general was only a few minutes into his prepared remarks when the injury occurred. Among the topics not yet addressed was the recent embarrassment of numerous service members involved in a nude photo phishing scam run by prison inmates.

“It’s actually lucky his jaw fell apart when it did,” remarked the general’s current aide. “He was about to say, ‘I continue to be nothing but inspired by the intelligence and integrity of our young soldiers every day,’ right before announcing that he was mandating an Army-wide safety stand down to learn about the dangers of sexting.”

The general expressed regret over the years of self-service that lead to his injury.

“I am ashamed of my years of pandering to whatever audience is in front of me and like a good soldier, I will fade away,” the general said in a press release after the incident. “I plan to distance myself from my embarrassing past by posting weekly nonsensical leadership platitudes to LinkedIn.”

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