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Lawmaker Introduces Bill Requiring Veterans To Warn Neighbors Of Their Combat Service

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PTSD veteran

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a second mass shooting at Fort Hood, at least one lawmaker thinks a bill currently under consideration will ensure the safety of American communities by requiring the estimated 2.6 million unstable veterans who served in Iraq or Afghanistan to tell their neighbors of their combat service.

The Fortify & Unite Communities to Keep Veterans’ External Threats Secure Act (H.R. 1874) which was introduced on Tuesday, would require military veterans to register with the Department of Homeland Security and periodically “check-in” with a case officer, in addition to going door-to-door in their neighborhood to notify people nearby that they are a powder keg of post traumatic stress, alcoholism, murder, and hate just waiting to blow.

“We really feel that we can drastically minimize the damage to some communities, especially those in troubled ‘PTSD hotspots‘ that have become a haven for these psychopathic troops,” said Rep. Jim Moran (D-Va.), who sponsored the legislation. “We are so thankful for their service, and now they can continue to serve on veterans probation.”

For the safety of communities, the FCC would also direct cable providers to block access to violent war content popular among veterans, to include The Military Channel and Lifetime. Further, a preliminary letter details instructions sent to providers to censor movies such as “Black Hawk Down” and “Saving Private Ryan” so as “not to place a veteran into a potentially violent mental state and protect the community by not ‘poking the bear.'”

The bill is up for vote in the House Veterans Affairs Committee next Thursday where watchers say it’s likely to pass before going to the floor for a full vote. However, there’s been some controversy surrounding one part of the bill barring veterans from living within 1,000 feet of bars, gun ranges, or liquor stores, as critics claim this would be unfair to local businesses.

Lawmakers are still debating a requirement that veterans need approval before moving to a new community they would eventually terrorize. An amendment requiring case officers to place crazed veterans in a locked safe room for the 24 hours of Independence Day and New Years Eve had already passed.

Duffel Blog investigative reporter Wolfman contributed to this report.

Army

The new intel analyst is weirder than the chaplain’s assistant

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Army Chaplain in the Field

FORT BENNING, Ga. – Soldiers in Headquarters Company, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 3rd Infantry Division are in unanimous agreement that the new intelligence analyst has dethroned the chaplain’s assistant as the company’s top oddity, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Eric Pridemore, the new all-source analyst, raised a few eyebrows when he arrived at the unit clad in a movie quality Kylo Ren outfit. Days later, Pridemore wowed onlookers on the brigade PT field with a flawlessly choreographed lightsaber duel, playing both sides himself.

“He seemed normal enough at first, you know … for an intel analyst,” said Pfc. Jeremy Kelly, Pridemore’s roommate. “Then I started noticing some pretty strange stuff on his side of the room. Even odds he’s a furry and I’m pretty sure I saw him throw a shovel, pickaxe, and a bag of lye in his trunk when I was walking back from the bar last Saturday night.”

Spc. Harold Ware, the unit chaplain’s assistant, was unavailable for comment regarding his fall in status. Ware, a 38 year-old juggalo, has 11 children and was once spotted in full insane clown regalia at the local Wal-Mart. His master’s thesis at Trump University was a comparative analysis between Juggaloism and the Coptic Christian Church. Ware was the company’s top weirdo due primarily to the creepy way he lingered around young female soldiers, his pencil thin mustache, and his characteristic taco and stale cat urine musk.

“Ware always gave me the willies,” said brigade chaplain Maj. Lester Kretchman. “And I went to seminary in Boston, which should speak for itself. But this new kid is a whole new level of strange. Even the mortuary affairs soldiers won’t talk to him, and I have heard some shit from them in confession … if you know what I’m saying.”

Eyewitnesses claim the new analyst was last seen moderating a debate with himself while sitting in the dining facility. When the brigade commander asked if he was okay, Pridemore reportedly hissed, made and maintained eye contact with him, and swallowed a whole banana.

Soldiers in the unit plan on conferring a “weirdo emeritus” status for Ware and believe Pridemore will only be replaced when he is arrested for beating his holographic anime wife or, more likely, promoted out of the unit.

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News

Trump affirms support for troops so long as they don’t get captured, tortured, elected senator, killed by brain cancer

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PITTSBURGH — President Donald Trump reaffirmed his unwavering support for the troops who have not been captured, tortured, elected senator, or killed by brain cancer, in a speech today.

“I love America and all true Americans,” Trump said, speaking to a group of civilian workers at a munitions plant in Pennsylvania. “But serving your country honorably in the military, withstanding years of torture, serving the nation in Congress, and especially dying of brain cancer, aren’t what makes someone a true American.”

The president further clarified that his comments were not referring to anyone specifically and definitely were not related to that one time “someone” disagreed with him on policy or the time that same “someone” didn’t invite him to his stupid funeral that was probably lame and sad anyway.

From there Trump launched into a list of accusations regarding former Sen. John McCain, which aides have clarified was completely unrelated to his previous remarks. The accusations included that the deceased senator pushed for the Pearl Harbor bombing, tried to give Arizona to Pancho Villa, and is Michael Cohen’s biological father.

The president ended his speech by asking the crowd if there were any veterans present. When several raised their hands, he thanked them for their service and told them they were welcome for his before pausing only briefly to have one attendee with a POW patch escorted out of the building.

The McCain family has since issued a statement condemning Trump’s remarks but acknowledging they may be part of the commander in chief’s grieving process.

“When he sent flowers to John’s funeral that said ‘Boom, roasted’ we weren’t sure how to feel about it,” said Cindy McCain. “Some people deal with loss in hurtful, unnecessary ways, and I guess this is one of them.”

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Miscellaneous

ISIS bride launches bath bomb business on Etsy

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AL-HOUL CAMP, Syria – ISIS bride Hoda Muthana is fighting to return from Syria the old fashioned American way — by running her own business until she can afford the airfare home.

“I’ve always had this innate, entrepreneurial drive,” said Muthana. “That’s why I created my own line of bath bombs and started a business on Etsy.”

Hoda’s bath bombs had an immediate sales spike after launch. Her top sellers: Inshavanilla, 72 Virgin Bubbles, and Rosy Ménage Fàtwa. Despite the mostly positive reviews, some buyers weren’t satisfied.

“These are without a doubt the worst batch of bombs I’ve ever purchased,” said ISIS fighter, Mo Deaver, who planted a dozen ‘Fresh Car Blast’ bath bombs in the battlefield. “Not a single one went off — not one. Absolute rubbish.”

At the National Ground Intelligence Center in Virginia, Army Lt. Col. Brian Curry has been overseeing a team of foreign technology experts as they scramble to understand the new rainbow-colored threats that have been popping up.

“We haven’t yet determined the exact composition of the recovered samples, but we did have a recent breakthrough,” said Curry. “A lieutenant accidentally spilled some water on one, which triggered a chemical reaction and an offensively fruity odor. The LT has since been quarantined until the long term affects can be assessed.”

The decision to work and save money wasn’t entirely Hoda’s choice but complications surfaced after she discovered that America was less than supportive of her decision to join a foreign terrorist organization committed to destroying the United States.

“I don’t think the U.S. is going to hook me up with a free ticket.” Hoda shook her head. “But hey, on the bright side I’m becoming more independent. When I fly back to Alabama, it’ll be on my own terms. Roll tide!”

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Advice

Duffel Blog guide to safe for work porn sites

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Feeling a little lonely while you do your shift at the duty desk? Pulling night watch in the motor pool and feeling a bit amorous? Or has it just been awhile since you got your ashes hauled or your clam slammed?

Well, we hate to break it to you (if you didn’t already know), but most units use network settings to prevent you from visiting porn sites at work. We can’t help you convince those busybody nerds at IT that it’s only natural for a good soldier to beat his meat or flick her bean once in awhile, but we can point you in the right direction to enjoy some good-enough-for-now porn at sites the filter software doesn’t block!

Workout and diet sites

You’ve got a job that requires you to be fit and healthy, so it’s only logical that you’d be allowed to visit sites for exercise programs like Crossfit, P90X, and the like. Many of these sites don’t just have pictures of hotties doing exercises in very little clothing, but also feature message boards where users can post before/after pics. You can find a lot of real and almost nudity in this treasure trove. Ditto with websites for diets like Atkins or Whole30.

Tattoo enthusiasts

If you’re running a tattoo parlor or magazine, you need a website to get your work seen by prospective customers. And you can’t show skin art without showing skin. If that intricate linework is coincidentally close to a nipple or dong, that’s not your fault, right? You gotta show those boobie tats, otherwise where is the spice in life?

Plastic surgery and breast cancer survivor groups

This is a fantastic way to get quite an eyeful, as plastic surgeons offer photographic proof of their good work. You’re not looking at porn—you’re doing research for your health! Just remember, if you print any of the pictures for later use, don’t leave them lying around in the printer tray.

The girls who need bigger tits because they’re not pulling in the dick they thought they would are one thing. But there’s also the girls who have booby cancer, and have had boob jobs because they got their real ones chopped off. It’s an empowering thing. You are helping cancer survivors celebrate their journey by looking at their tits!

Fashion

Lots of aspiring models and designers put their portfolio up for no charge, hoping to attract work. What morons. They also compete to be the most eye-catching, and nothing catches the eye like a nipple or butt artfully arranged to look like it’s accidental. Of such things glory is made. And jizz.

Art and photography

Deviant Art isn’t just for deviants! It’s also for people who want a socially-acceptable way to look at naked stuff while at work. This is the most well known, but there are legions of websites dedicated to “art” that are really just pictures or drawings of people in various states of undress. Deviant Art even has an “erotica” category right in the navigation bar! It couldn’t be easier! “Boss, it isn’t porn, it’s art!” you’ll be able to say as you gesture with your monocle and polish your spats.  And he won’t be able to say anything because you’re so fuckin’ fancy.

So get out there and start beating or flicking, you sexy bastards!  They can’t say anything about these SFW porn sites!

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News

Rip It teases plan for GWOT 20-year-anniversary can

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PLANTATION, Fla. — Rip It Energy Drinks teased plans for a unique can design that honors the 20 year anniversary of the Global War on Terror and will be available in combat zones by late 2021, in a press release today.

“We want to go all out to impress our troops,” said head of Rip It marketing Dave Hughes. “Many of them have suffered significant injuries from either combat or the consumption of our product and deserve the very best.”

The design will reportedly incorporate significant amounts of symbolism. Included will be 20 stars the size and shape of the kidney stones the product bestows, which represents the number of years of the conflict (so far). Other design elements are said to include the American flag, a heart pumping at 220 beats per minute, and probably an eagle.

The limited release product will also include commemorative flavors such as Mission Accomplished Mango, Tropical Troop Surge, Quagmire Citrus, and Poorly Defined War Aims Berry Punch. All flavors will reportedly still contain methamphetamine levels of caffeine and maintain Rip It’s signature “left out on a pallet in the Middle Eastern sun” aftertaste.

The Rip It brand itself is almost as old as the conflict, having been introduced as a non-alcoholic Four Loco substitute for troops downrange in the first year of the war. Troops immediately recognized the drink’s excellence, commonly described as carbonated battery acid, as a pallet cleanser perfect for after smoking a cigarette and immediately before throwing in a dip.  The brand’s popularity rose further once troops realized that when pairing it with Otis Spunkmeyer muffins caused simultaneous diarrhea and constipation.

“These past 20 years have been amazing, and we can’t wait to see what the next 20 holds,” said Hughes.

Though the design has yet to be fully finalized, experts believe that with the right kind of support, this promotion could be as big as Green Bean’s annual “Christmas away from your family” holiday cups.

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Army

Badge hunter to become latest Army badge

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JOINT BASE LANGLEY-EUSTIS, Va. — The U.S. Army Training and Doctrine Command announced the most recent attempt at Army retention today — another badge.

The Army says the badge-hunter badge will distinguish the service, citing the successes of historic organizations like the Boy Scouts of America, the restaurant Chotchkie’s from the movie Office Space, and Mattel’s line of never-ending Barbie accessories.

Public Affairs Officer Maj. John Wagner called it “the mother of all badges,” in a press briefing.

“We aim to have the most on our uniforms,” Wagner said. “We see it as an opportunity considering the new pinks and greens uniform is coming out. Look at Marine uniforms. Almost nothing. It’s terrible. How are they able to measure their self-worth if they can’t have forty pieces of fabric and shiny metal to wear to every banquet?”

The badge aims to recognize Soldiers who endlessly pursue awards and schools, often going months without being seen in their units.

“We aren’t ready to unveil what it looks like.” Wagner said. “But what we are allowed to say is it’s epic. The size of a baby’s head. Maybe the size of a tea plate.”

The badge hunter is only available to individuals with over 50 percent school time to service ratios. Positive evaluations are not a prerequisite, and a minimum of four badges must already adorn a Soldier’s uniform prior to applying for the badge.

No other requirements are known. Only badge hunters themselves know the true path to attaining the shiny piece of metal.

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Marine Corps

NCIS sting: Marines bribe officials for acceptance into University of Phoenix, Strayer University

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The Naval Criminal Investigation Service announced today the indictment of several Marines accused of bribing college officials for admission to some of the nation’s top online diploma mills.

“These bribes deprived veterans, other service members and average American dupes the chance to get ahead,” NCIS Agent Tom Malloy told reporters. “They prevented the opportunity for hard working people to advance careers through an esteemed and rigorous education.”

NCIS opened its investigation after a Camp Lejeune unit education officer dropped an envelope stuffed with one and five dollar bills and an application to Strayer University written in crayon. A civilian contractor turned the envelope over to NCIS, igniting a scandal that involved multiple Marine Corps bases, according to Malloy.

“In most instances, an education officer took half of the money and sent the rest to the university official,” Malloy said.

The University of Phoenix, Capella University, and Grand Canyon University were also implicated in the scandal. Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Robert Neller expressed shock at the alleged scheme.

“Marines are taught to use black pens on official documents,” Neller said. “Crayons are strictly for consumption.”

NCIS agents believe junior enlisted Marines hatched the plan when looking to enroll in classes that coincided with field day formations. Education officers insisted the Marines would need extra help in enrolling in these for-profit colleges. The education officers earned between $5 and $6 per application for a total of over $500,000 in bribes, according to NCIS.

“I was a little confused when I was approached with a bribe for admission the first time,” an admissions officer for Phoenix University said. “I mean, we’ll enroll anyone with a line of credit or access to tuition assistance money. I took the bribe of course. It only had a few dollars covered in grease and glitter that probably came from a local strip club.”

It is still unclear if the universities will expel the students involved. Most will remain enrolled until their payment checks clear.

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Army

Veteran didn’t risk his life at Bagram Pizza Hut just to see U.S. and Taliban sign peace deal

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professional veteran

A local Army veteran expressed outrage this morning over talks of a U.S.-Taliban peace deal, saying he didn’t risk his life during a two-month deployment to Bagram Airbase “just to see the war end like this.”

Cody Bennett started his protest on social media after U.S. special representative for Afghanistan Zalmay Khalilzad began negotiations with the Taliban to end the war. As one of the “elite one percent” who join the military, Bennett says most Americans won’t understand his point of view, but somebody needs to speak truth to power.

“Me and my boys put too much on the line out there just to see these spineless politicians settle for peace,” said the former administrative clerk who was sent home early due to bone spurs suffered on the base gym’s elliptical machine. “Are my blood, sweat and tears worth nothing?”

Bennett claims that he and other veterans often had to combat issues like minimal selection at the base Pizza Hut as well as long lines and limited hours at the dining facility.

“A large pizza for sixteen dollars? I put my life on the line day in and day out, and they’re going to try to swill me for sixteen dollars? On top of that, they never use enough sauce,” said Bennett, who never came within 200 meters of the base’s perimeter and was administratively separated from the Army for being overweight.

“Those guys, the ones like me that held the line for their country despite slightly below average dining standards compared to middle-class American expectations, those are the true heroes,” he added. Don’t talk to me about peace or freedom until you’ve had to live through that hell.”

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