NORTHERN NIGERIA — In an attempt to remain relevant in the face of NBA race scandals and celebrity elevator brawls, Boko Haram leader Abubakar Shekau agreed to release his school girl hostages as soon as the #BringBackOurGirls campaign reached 10 million retweets, sources confirmed Thursday.
“We will never release them until after your social media activism reaches a truly significant number of people,” tweeted Shekau, adding that he meant only those girls who have not converted to Islam and been married off to his fighters to live a life of submission and servitude.
In response to the new demands, Marine Corps Cyberspace Command unveiled a new Twitter task force of Marine Expeditionary Hashtaggers (MEH).
“This is a whole new theater of warfare,” said MARFORCYBER spokesman Lt. Col. Brock Ruggedsson. “The Marines of the MEH will significantly impact world events 140 outraged characters at a time. They will heed the clarion call of battle not in the front line but in the social media trenches online. The MEH will fight our countries battles via Twitter, on Facebook, and YouTube.”
“We will hashtag for right and freedom and to keep our online presence clean,” he added.
The intent of the MEH is to apply social media pressure in an effort to force an apology from the Islamic terrorist group “because that will make it all better,” according to MEH Operations Officer Capt. Hunter Boone. “The warriors of the MEH are standing by for inaction.”
Once the MEH begins social media operations it is predicted Boko Haram and other terrorist organizations will fold under the humiliation and pressure of online shaming.
Meritorious Service Medals have already been written up for the entire MEH staff in anticipation of their unprecedented victory.