WINNETKA, Ill. – New Trier High School student Perry Winkles can’t wait until this fall to show all of his classmates what he’s really made of after he comes back transformed after his upcoming graduation from Army basic training, sources confirmed Tuesday.
Students and faculty alike have expressed a mix of curiosity and concern at his bold intention to become a “cold-blooded killer,” but generally conceded they really “couldn’t give two shits, because seriously – look at him.”
Instead of a teenage summer of self-discovery and youthful bliss, Winkles, 17, will be spending his break undergoing Army Basic Combat Training as a “split-option.” Following basic, Winkles will return to New Trier to complete his senior year before formally enlisting in the Army Reserve.
“People won’t even recognize me,” beams Winkles, picking up a stack of textbooks that had been knocked from his grasp by New Trier’s starting left tackle. “I’m going to become a steely-eyed killer, just you wait and see. Maybe then I’ll finally earn some respect around here.”
Drawing inspiration from successful killers Lee Harvey Oswald, James Earl Ray, Charles Whitman and Timothy McVeigh, Winkles is confident that he will finally make a name for himself after completing basic training.
“After I finish AIT [Advanced Individual Training], I’m going to become a Green Beret!” Winkles yells loudly to no one in particular, as point guard Damon Williams hoists him two feet into the air by his underwear. “Just like Rambo!” he shouts, helplessly dangling by his stretched-out drawers.
School counselor Martha Phillips openly admits Winkles’ choice of role models is disconcerting, but concludes “it must be all those Grand Theft Auto games.”
“I just don’t understand why an attention-starved runt like him who so desperately wants to do something with his life doesn’t idolize someone like Audie Murphy.”
Some students were merely befuddled by Winkles’ decision to enlist in the Army.
“I thought you had to be poor to join the military,” says a visibly confused Jason Hightower, scratching his head. Hightower, 18, will be interning at his father’s company while pursuing a degree in Fiscal Irresponsibility and Nepotism Studies at Northwestern University this fall.
Winkles was last seen in his recruiter’s office, finalizing some paperwork before having his head violently dunked into a toilet.
“This kid? He’s going to culinary school,” laughs Sgt. Duke McClusky, his recruiter.
Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.