By Senior Chief Electrician’s Mate Rick Petina, Navy Recruiter
Good afternoon, young sir, and thanks for stopping by!
You may not realize it, but that moment you just walked in off the mall promenade and into this recruiting office may very well have been the moment you forever changed your life for the better. Because whether you decide to serve for an entire 20-year career or just one enlistment, any time spent serving in the Navy is time that will benefit you in a number of invaluable ways, and I’d like you to lend me your ear so I can tell you all about it.
Additionally, if it isn’t too much trouble, I’d also like you to close those blinds and help me pour this piping hot candle wax onto my naked scrotum, because I have difficulty getting the right feeling when I try to do it by myself.
Now, where to begin? If it’s job security and a decent paycheck you want, you really need look no further. Along with your base pay, there’s also sea pay, housing allowances, and a number of other financial incentives to make your time in uniform worth it. In fact, I think I have a brochure with a list of all the perks around here that I can show you just as soon as I get these pants and skivvies off.
“Skivvies” is the Navy word for your underwear. You’ll learn that in boot camp.
In terms of down time, does 30 days of paid vacation each year sound about right? It adds up quickly, and if you’re anything like me, you’ll soon have so much leave saved up you won’t know what to do with it… At least not until you finally take a solid month off to hole up in a Motel 6, where you spend all day and night paying some transvestite hooker named Raven to flog you with a cat o’ nine tails as you shove salted cashews up your own rectum.
And if you accidentally send one too many cashews up there? The Navy pays for all your medical needs.
How cool is that?
Of course, there’s much more to wearing the cloth of your country than money and benefits. Serving in the Navy isn’t a job, it’s a calling. We follow orders, we embrace a creed, and we live by the core values of “Honor,” “Courage,” and “Commitment.”
We also have a bunch of safewords that us submissives can use while our doms are steadily increasing the Taser voltage through the nipple clamps. Words like “Yellow Light,” “Iceman,” and “Gladiator.”
Now, in terms of your vocation, there’s a vast array of different jobs — or what we call ratings — that you can pursue once you enlist. Handy with a hammer? You can become a Builder with the Seabees. Fancy yourself a master chef? Then you can have full run of the ship’s galley as a Culinary Specialist. Or maybe you’re like me, and you’re into electronics. As an Electrician’s Mate, you’ll get to work with all kinds of switchboards, generators, and other types of current-conducting hardware.
And, should you ever get caught in an engineering space with one end of a coat hanger lodged firmly into your urethra (and the other end about to get stuck into a 120-volt power outlet), then fear not, because you can always get transferred into recruiting duty!
Speaking of genitalia, I’d like to get back to my scrotum and this hot candle wax for just a moment, if I may…
Say, where are you going?
Well, alright then. Please hang on to my business card, and I’ll just go about dealing with this whole burning-wax-on-my-scrotum matter by myself, as best I can.
But as a final heads-up before you leave, make sure you watch out for those Air Force recruiters on the the other side of the food court.
Because those guys are some real sick bastards.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.