YOUR HOME — Fuzzyhugs, the adorable stuffed bear you sent your wife for Valentine’s Day while deployed in Afghanistan, was happy to report that she is really enjoying getting fucked absolutely cross-eyed by your neighbor.
“Yep,” confirmed Fuzzyhugs from his perch atop the cherry walnut credenza that your wife insisted on buying with your money, even though you know the movers are going to ruin it the next time you PCS.
“She sure does love when he plows into her. For hours and hours they go, and she screams loud enough that it hurts my cute little fuzzy ears. She sure does have plenty of those — what does she call them? — ore-basms? And she tells him that she never has them with you. I bet you sure are glad she’s having so much fun while you’re away.”
“Hoo hoo!” he added charmingly, clutching his camouflage-clad tummy and giggling.
Fuzzyhugs further reported that your wife enthusiastically and acrobatically engages in all manner of outlandish positions, wild costumes, and sexual activities with your neighbor. Most of these she refuses to do with you, calling them “demeaning” when you request them, and usually shaming you into backing down and jerking off bitterly in the shower.
She readily shaved her bush at his request even though she tells you she can’t because it gives her bad razor burn. When you called home on your birthday, according to the teddy bear, while she sang you “Happy Birthday” on the phone, she was getting finger-blasted by your neighbor while his friend Tony waited his turn in the corner.
And while you bought her Fuzzyhugs for Valentine’s Day, your neighbor’s present to her for the holiday was a bag of weed, an 18-inch double-ended dildo, and his ex-girlfriend, all of which she consumed with great poise and vigor while he filmed it and posted it to his X-rated Tumblr.
Fuzzyhugs was sure would be happy to know that your wife was staying positive while you were away, keeping herself occupied, and getting lots of exercise, especially in the area of her lady business. She also got her nipples pierced after your neighbor casually remarked that it would be hot, and plans to tell you that it was for your enjoyment once you return home.
When asked for comment, your wife was unable to reply, due to every orifice and both hands being invaded like the Crimea.
At press time, Fuzzyhugs reported, she and your neighbor were discussing whether they should clean out your bank account and take off to Cozumel, since they had such a good time at the Swingers’ Ball orgy festival down in Florida last weekend.
Coincidentally, “Fuzzyhugs” is the joke nickname that your neighbor and your wife have laughingly given to her vagina.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.