FORT BLISS, Texas — A howl of joyous laughter rattled the dusty windows of the 5/52 Air Defense Artillery Battalion building Tuesday as 1st. Lt. Andrew Lapp leapt from his small work station in the corner of the empty S-3 shop.
Sources reported that the junior officer, who has been driven to mental extremis from the constant verbal and physical harassment of his supervisor Maj. Thomas Hale, proceeded to dance like a satyr around the filthy confines of the office, shouting at the top of his lungs.
“At last!” Lapp cried, ecstatic tears running down his prematurely aged face, “It is so beautiful! Oh God, most merciful Creator of the Heavens and Earth, thank you for blessing me with this almighty privilege! Verily I have looked upon a reflection of the Lord, and it is good!”
Lapp’s excitement stemmed from his labor of love on Slide 23 of the 14th of May Quarterly Training Brief, upon which he poured countless unrequited hours, sacrificing his three month-old marriage upon the altar of ‘Slideology’ and the sardonic hatred of his sadistic Shop Chief.
“Bone-white background,” Lapp stammered, scarcely able to control himself. “Perfect ¾” margin border with .5” line, heading in Calibri, all listings spaced even on tastefully organized bullets. My God,” he licked his cracked lips, sweat trickling down cheeks pallid from never seeing sunlight, “It even has the battalion seal as a watermark!”
Unable to contain his masterpiece anymore, the hapless lieutenant burst out of the office, looking desperately for someone – anyone – to share his Pygmalion moment with. He raced through the deserted corridors frantically, but it was nearly 7:00 pm and everyone in Battalion Staff had already left 3 hours ago for ‘Resiliency Time’.
At press time, tech support Specialist Nicholas Bock, who was also working late on a battalion IT update, had just sat down at 1st Lt. Lapp’s unattended computer and begun to re-image his hard drive.